


Roses of the Alps

by mgd



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-16
Updated: 2014-03-16
Packaged: 2018-01-15 23:58:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 14
Words: 53,996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1324075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mgd/pseuds/mgd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Burt has his heart attack towards the end of Kurt's sophomore year and dies from it, leaving Kurt orphaned. His family, unable to care for him, send him off to an international boarding school in Switzerland, where one of his ancestors is an alumni.<br/>Meanwhile, Sebastian got into trouble once too often and gets kicked out of his school in Paris. Figuring that he won't be able to get into as much trouble in the middle of nowhere in the Alps, his parents send him off to the same school as Kurt.<br/>While Kurt is trying to get over his father's death, he and Sebastian meet and start a friendship with benefits, that has potential to become more.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the Kurtbastian Big Bang on livejournal.  
> Huge thanks to my sister and my friend Jassanja, who jumped in to beta-read for me, when none of the betas who signed up on the Kurtbastian Big Bang, who I wrote, answered the messages I sent to them. Also, kudos, hugs and thanks to Freakingpotter on tumblr for the wonderful art.  
> Additionally, I don't own Glee. I only own my OCs.

### Prologue

 

Kurt would never forget that moment in French class in his sophomore year. There had been a knock on the door. Miss Pillsbury and Mr. Schuester had called him out, asking him to bring his stuff. He remembered Miss Pillsbury clasping his arm and telling him, “Kurt, your father has had a heart attack. Mr. Schue…” and everything faded out.

 

He could still vaguely remember Mr. Schuester leading him towards his car and buckling him in. He was saying something, and Kurt heard the words, but couldn’t quite connect them to their meaning. He recalled how everything had seemed blurry.

 

The next thing Kurt had actually heard was the doctor’s words of, “We’ve done everything we can. The rest is in God’s hands.”

 

It had been late that night when Kurt’s world had fallen apart. He remembered sitting in the room his father had been transfered to, dozing slightly, when the machines had suddenly started to send out loud warning signals. Doctors and nurses had come running and he could still recall the face of the nurse who had gently forced him to leave the room, telling him to go back to the waiting room.

 

He hadn’t been able to go, though. Instead he’d remained rooted to the same bit of floor he’d been left on as the warning had died out. At that point, another nurse had passed by and had gently guided him back towards the waiting room.About half an hour later, one of the doctors had come to Kurt, shaking his head. “I’m sorry. There was nothing we could do.”

 

He still recalled the haze during which a nurse had held him as he had cried. Part of him had recognized her short brown hair, but the rest of him just didn’t care until he felt her tears against his skin. She had finally snapped into focus and he had recognized her as Carol. He had vaguely heard her requesting to go home and bring Kurt with her.

 

Kurt had felt a pang of sympathy for her. First she had lost her husband and now she had lost her boyfriend, as well… but that thought had soon been swept away in the sea of anguish in which he couldn’t think: he could only feel and it was too much; it was just too much. The edge of his vision had grown darker and darker. He vaguely recalled Carol calling out for some assistance, but the words were faint, as if heard through a waterfall. His head had felt fuzzy and his body heavy: too heavy to keep it upright anymore. Darkness had taken him as he had felt himself manhandled onto a bed and, for a split second, he had wished to never wake up again – at least not without his father.

 


	2. Chapter 2

### Chapter One

 

Kurt looked around his new school. He didn’t want to know how his grandparents had gotten the money to send him here: a private international school in Zuoz, Switzerland. He was still trying to grasp how much his life had changed since that fateful day in the hospital waiting room.

 

The social worker had checked out his aunt and uncle, only to deem them unfit for guardianship. He had been a little relieved about not living with Aunt Mildred, but would have liked to have lived with Uncle Andy. Unfortunately, he wasn’t really home enough to take care of a teenager, not to mention that his wife already had too many kids, as was.

 

Finally, it came down to his grandparents on his father’s side and his mother’s side. Neither side of the family really had the vitality left to take care of him, so they agreed to split the cost of sending him to a private boarding school. His mother’s family had wanted him to go to Dalton, but his father’s family had insisted that he follow in his great-grandfather’s footsteps and go to a good Swiss school, insisting that a good education like that would improve his chances of getting into a good university. They had finally agreed on the Lyceum Alpinum in Zuoz, Graubünden, which was the same one his great-grandfather had gone to. His Hummel grandparents had gotten the guardianship of him, because they had been instrumental in the choice of his school and because they were slightly healthier.

 

Although a part of Kurt was upset about having being torn away from his friends, he was grateful that his grandparents had at least let him finish his school year at McKinley before they’d sent him off to German language camp all summer long. Even though the classes would be in English, they didn’t want to throw him into another country and have him be like a fish out of water. It had been painful, though, watching his old home sold and all his stuff put in a storage locker.

 

Burt’s long-time employee and friend, Bruce Ryan, had taken over running the garage until Kurt was old enough to decide what to do with it.

 

Kurt had had to come in early to do an aptitude test. Unfortunately, McKinley was a terrible school so, despite the fact that he had taken all sorts of AP classes, the school had decided to let him repeat tenth grade. Ironically, because the students started school a year later in Switzerland, he’d still be going to school with kids his age.

 

He picked up his information packet along with a map of the school grounds and set off to find his room. According to the information he had, he was rooming with two other guys in the Kleinhaus. Their names were Urs Hauri and Reto Walker.

 

He signed in at the Kleinhaus to let them know he was there and received instructions on how to get to his dorm room: second story, third door to the right. He knocked twice before entering.

 

_ooo_

 

It was a nice room with two large windows. The walls were painted a nice mint green that and meshed nicely with the wooden ceiling. There were three individual beds, each on a different wall, with dressers next to them. In the center of the room, there were two desks; the third one was placed in front of the window. The windows had translucent curtails pulled across them with dark green and cream plaid opaque curtains on each side to cover them at night.

 

His two roommates were already there. One of them looked slightly gangly, with a slender and wiry build. He had brown eyes and short, straight, dark blond hair. The other boy was slightly taller and more muscular. Kurt noticed that his leg muscles were especially well-defined. He also had brown eyes, but his hair was slightly longer, curly and brown. Both of them had a nice tan.

 

The gangly youth stood up from where he was sitting on one of the chairs, “Hoi, du muesch de Kurt sii. Ich bin de Reto Walker, aber alli Lüt säget mer Reto.”(Hi, you must be Kurt. I’m Reto Walker, but everyone calls me Reto.)

 

The other guy waved. “Ich bin de Urs Hauri. Freut miech dii känne z’lerne.“(I’m Urs Hauri. Pleased to make acquaintance with you.)

 

Kurt just blinked at them. “Hallo? Mein Name ist Kurt?” (Hello? My name is Kurt?)

 

The first one answered, “Jöö! Wie härzig! En Ami!” (Aww! How cute! An American!)

 

The second one retorted, “Sei nöd so gemein, Reto. Er verstaht keis Wort.” (Don’t be so mean, Reto. He doesn’t understand a word.)

 

The first one sighed and spoke with a heavy accent, “Hello. I said that you must be Kurt. I am Reto Walker and I think your accent is cute. We looking forward to meet you.”

 

The other guy retorted, “You mean, ‘We are looking forward to meeting you.’ If you do not get better in English you will fail this year. Hello Kurt. I am Urs Hauri. I am happy to meet you. I told Reto to not be so mean to you, since I believe you did not understand us speaking.”

 

Kurt scratched the back of his head. “Not really. I went to German language camp this year, but didn’t have German before that. I’m more proficient…” he took note of their questioning glances, “ _better_ in French.”

 

Reto moaned, “I hate French!”

 

Urs commented, “You hate all languages.”

 

“French is the baddest!”

 

Kurt corrected, “The worst.”

 

“Ach menno…” Reto whined.

 

Urs ignored him. “We were waiting for you to get here to split up beds and desks. Which one do you want?”

 

Kurt pointed at the single desk that was in front of the window and the bed right next to it. “If you don’t mind, I’d like that one. I’d like to be able to see out.”

 

Reto moaned, “But I wanted that!”

 

Urs asked, “This is your first year here?”

 

Kurt nodded.

 

“Then you have first pick. Reto is not a good student. He does not need the distraction of looking outside.”

 

Reto took the bed next to the door and one of the desks in the middle, while Urs took the bed closest to Kurt’s, right under the other window. He claimed that he liked the fresh air when he slept, but Kurt figured it was so that he could be right next to the radiator in winter. He was fairly sure that it got to be really cold in the winter, what with how high up they were.

 

They settled in, putting their stuff away and hanging up a few posters over their beds. Kurt put away all the clothes that had fit into the single suitcase he’d been able to check on the flight over and the charcoal blazers and ties he’d been issued with by the school.

 

He wasn’t exactly ecstatic about the fact that he had to wear a uniform blazer, but he figured it could always be worse. At least, for lessons, he could choose what shirt to wear under it, as long as it followed the guidelines, and wear smart, clean jeans, without rips or tears, and clean sneakers. Still, he’d had to buy a pair of dark grey dress pants for formal occasions. He’d already had the required black leather shoes. Most of the shirts he’d brought were white and pale blue; he’d only packed a few T-shirts for wearing outside of lessons. Still, a lot of his clothes were on the list of garments that were not allowed to be worn at any time at all. Between what he’d had to take with him and what he was allowed to bring with him, Kurt had left most of his clothes packed up in the storage locker.

 

_ooo_

 

When they were finished, they headed to the common rooms to sit and get to know each other better.

 

Kurt introduced himself first, taking care to speak slowly and annunciate clearly, “My name’s Kurt Hummel. I’m an American from Lima, Ohio. I turned sixteen in May and I’m in tenth grade.”

 

“My name is Reto Walker. My family comes from canton Wallis, but I grew up in canton Thurgau, Islikon. We have a great medieval store in town. I am doing my Swiss Matura here. I like play football.”

 

Urs cut in, “You like _to_ play _soccer._ Remember, he is American.”

 

Reto grumbled before continuing, “I am fifteen and in our choir. I am in class M3a. I plan to take Biology and Chemistry as my major next year.”

 

Kurt added, “I’m in class DIS4b.”

 

Urs spoke up, “I am Urs Hauri. My family is from Basel. I am here because my parents travel much because of their job. They do not want me at home alone, so they sent me here. I just turned seventeen, so this is the last year I can be in this boarding house. My class is M4b. My major is in Business and Law. I plan to become a lawyer. I am on our school soccer team.”

 

Kurt pursed his lips. “I should probably tell you this now and I really hope you guys don’t care, but I’m gay.”

 

Reto blinked and asked, “Why does that matter?”

 

Urs added, “Here at the Lyceum Alpinum, we are taught to accept people despite home country and way of life. Bullying is forbidden. Please to not…” He turned to Reto. “Wie seit mer ‘anbaggere’ uf Anglich?” (How do you say ‘chat up’ in English?)

 

“Kei Ahnig. ‘Pick up,’ viellicht.” (No clue. ‘Pick up,’ maybe.)

 

“Ich lueg es gschwin na.” (I’ll look it up quickly.)

 

Kurt watched them talk, not having a clue what they were saying. He quickly realized what they were talking about when Urs pulled out a Langenscheidt Electronic Dictionary for English, German and French.

 

Urs continued, “Anbaggere hät’s nöd druf. Ich lueg bi anmache na.” (Chat up isn’t in here. I’ll look under pick up.)He entered something else into the translator and turned to Kurt. “We do not mind you being gay as long as you do not attach to us.”

 

Kurt raised an eyebrow and asked, “I usually don’t get too attached to people in general but, if you want, I’ll keep my distance.”

 

Urs shook his head. “No, that word is wrong.” He looked in the dictionary again. “Oh, here: jemanden anmachen; chat someone up. Do not chat us up. There.”

 

Kurt giggled. “There’s a big difference between the two, but sure: I won’t flirt with you, if you want. I won’t try to get you to sleep with me, either.”

 

“Do not bring boys to our room for sex.”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “I won’t. I promise. The same goes for you guys with girls, though, too, okay?”

 

Urs responded, “Yes, that is okay.” Reto nodded in agreement.

 

Reto added, “We will put together laws for you in Switzerland. So you know your rights.”

 

Kurt replied, “I checked out Wikipedia before I came and know the basics.”

 

Urs shook his head. “That is not enough. We will find the written-out versions of the laws for you. I have them in German in my copies of the law books I have for Business and Law. I have to find them in there and then find an English translation. My English is not good enough to translate laws.”

 

Kurt smiled. “Thank you. This is the first time people have just accepted me as I am… well, other than…” he paused unable to continue, “I was bullied at my old school for it.”

 

Reto cocked his head. “Being gay is not a choice. Why did they bully you for it?”

 

Kurt shrugged. “Beats me.”

 

“Why would it hurt you?”

 

Kurt laughed. “That’s not meant literally. It means that I don’t know.”

 

“Oh…”

 

Urs said, “Anyway, enough talk. The Töggelichaschte is free. Let’s play.”

 

Kurt asked, “The what?”

 

Reto responded unhelpfully, “He means the Tschütelichaschtä.”

 

Urs pointed at an empty foosball table. “Ignore him. That is the Thurgau Swiss German word for it. It’s that thing there. Decide now or someone else will take it first.”

 

Kurt blinked. “Okay… you’ll have to teach it to me first, though.”

 

Urs and Reto grinned at him. Kurt suddenly felt like he’d signed his own death warrant. Urs said, “Happily.”

 

_ooo_

 

Several hours later, Kurt’s wrists were hurting, but he was grinning after winning for the first time. He and Reto gave each other a high five while Urs and another guy who had joined them, called Michi, short for Michael, scowled. Kurt had had a lot of difficulties pronouncing the guttural ch sound. In the end, after trying and trying to help him pronounce it, they settled with Kurt pronouncing it as an sh sound, after deciding not to use the usual ck sound in its stead, as that made all of them think of Mickey Mouse.

 

Michi commented in a heavy Swiss German accent, which Kurt noted sounded a bit like a Scottish one, “We are still best. We have more won.”

 

Kurt bit his lip and tried to refrain from correcting the other boy. He couldn’t completely control the urge, so he asked, “May I propose a deal? You speak English with me and I speak German with you. I correct your English and you correct my German.”

 

“I will. This my first year. I not have English before. Is late. See you morning.”

 

Kurt blinked as he tried to decipher Michi’s words. “Hold on. First I’ll correct you. The phrases you wanted to use earlier are ‘We are still the best.’ and ‘We have won more.’ You almost had it.” Kurt smiled reassuringly. “The rest is, ‘This is my first year.’, ‘I haven’t taken English before.’, ‘It’s late.’ and finally ‘See you tomorrow.’”

 

Michi smiled. “Thank you, Kurt.”

 

Kurt resisted the urge to twitch at the German pronunciation of his name. He’d have to get used to that. Instead he said, “Gute Nacht. Schlafe schön.” (Good night. Sleep well.)

 

Michi responded, “Gute Nacht. Schlafe gut..” (Good night. Sleep well.)

 

They all left for their rooms with Michi heading in the opposite direction from them.

 

Kurt turned away from Urs and Reto to get changed into his pajamas, not really wanting to make them feel uncomfortable or as if he was watching them. They’d already created such a good rapport with each other – there was no need for Kurt to tarnish that.

 

They all settled into bed, ready for school to start the next day. They said, ‘goodnight,’ ‘gute Nacht’ and ‘guet Nacht’ to each other and drifted off into sleep.

 

_ooo_

 

_Kurt sat on the couch, practically ignored, as the social worker talked to those of his family members who had gathered for his father’s funeral the next day. Kurt felt numb and cold. It hadn’t quite sunk in yet that he was now an orphan. Still, this was his future they were talking about, so he at least tried to listen._

_Aunt Mildred was talking and sipping, as usual, on her iced gin, “I’d gladly take him in.” He almost wrinkled his nose at the thought. He could smell her from across the room on a good day – she always smelled of alcohol, sometimes stronger, sometimes less so. Sometimes there was also the smell of pot clinging to her. Needless to say, his father hadn’t really visited her all that often._

_The social services worker looked at her notes, “You’ve been in and out of various rehab programs for years, Miss Hummel, and that’s not to mention the fact that you’re just barely getting by with two minimum wage jobs. We’re looking for a stable place for the child.”_

_Aunt Mildred swallowed the rest of her gin and got up to stumble over to pour herself some more. “I think you just insulted me,” she slurred._

_Uncle Andy picked up the bottle and took it away from her. “I think you’ve had enough.”_

_“My brother just died, Andy! I can never have enough alcohol right now!”_

_“Mili, we have to think about Kurt’s future. We lost our brother – but he lost his father. He has to be our first priority right now.”_

_“Well, then, why don’t you take care of him?”_

_“Because I’m never at home and I could die any day. I’m a pilot: an air force pilot. They let me come back from my overseas tour for this funeral and that’s it. I’ll be gone again soon and, heaven forbid, if something were to happen to me – we’d have to relocate Kurt yet again.”_

_“What about Katie?”_

_“Katie has her hands full with our kids. Mary and Janet are going through their terrible twos right now, Nick is just starting kindergarten and we have another one on the way.”_

_“You have to start using protection.”_

_“We do. We just… we get a little… carried away sometimes but, after this one, we’ve agreed for her to get a vasectomy. Five kids is more than enough.”_

_“Another set of twins?”_

_“Yep. This time fraternal.”_

_“Kurt could help out with them.”_

_“As much as I would enjoy that, there’s the additional problem that we live on a military base.”_

_“Why?”_

_“It wouldn’t be fair to him. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ sound familiar? I’m afraid that it might not be the best environment for him – what with how flamboyant he can be.”_

_The social services worker cut into their disagreement, “I’m afraid that Mr. Hummel has a good point, Miss Hummel. If at all possible, we’d prefer that Kurt did not go to a military household. That leaves you, Mr and Mrs Hummel,” she gestured at Kurt’s father’s parents, “or you, Mr. and Mrs. Burgess,” she gestured at Kurt’s mother’s parents._

_Grandpa John Burgess spoke first, “I’m not sure if we can take care of him. Ashlynn here,” he held his wife’s hand, “has been taking a turn for the worse. She’ll be getting a hip replacement soon and we just don’t have the energy we used to.”_

_Grandma Vicky Hummel spoke up, “Neither do we, but someone has to take him in. No grandchild of mine is going to end up in foster care.”_

_Grandma Ashlynn replied, “I don’t like the idea, either, but what can we do?”_

_Grandpa Johann Hummel replied, “Well, if we all pool our money together, we can send him off to a good boarding school. That’ll look good on his resume for university.”_

_Grandma Vicky asked suspiciously, “Is there a specific school you’re thinking about?”_

_Grandpa Johann nodded resolutely, “As a matter of fact, yes. My father, before he emigrated here from Austria after the Anschluss before the Second World War, went to a highly acclaimed school called Lyceum Alpinium in Zuoz, Switzerland. He always spoke fondly of it. It’s an excellent school and Switzerland is highly acclaimed for its educational system. Going there could open a lot of doors to him.”_

_Grandma Vicky rolled her eyes, “And what of his friends here? Is he supposed to just leave them?”_

_Grandpa John replied, “It’s not as if he’d be able to stay here, anyway – none of us live here in Lima.”_

_Grandma Vicky added, “Well, at the very least, he should be able to finish his school year here.”_

_Grandma Ashlynn suggested, “Maybe he could stay with one of his friends for the rest of the school year. It isn’t long: just a few months.”_

_“Maybe with that sweet woman Burt was seeing. I think her name is Carol.”_

_“We should ask her.”_

_The social services worker asked, “So, who’s taking him in?”_

_All of Kurt’s grandparents shared a look before his grandpa Johann proclaimed, “Vicky and I will, but we’ll make it as much of a group effort as possible, to help take strain off of us all.”_

_The social services worker nodded. “Okay, then I’ll leave it to you to liquidate Mr. Burt Hummel’s assets for Kurt to inherit once he comes of age.” She scribbled a little on one of her forms. “So, please sign here so we can start the process underway for you to assume full custody over Kurt.” She handed them a form in triplicate and pointed to a line. Grandpa Johann skimmed through it before signing and then giving it to Grandma Vicky, who did likewise._

_The moment the social services worker left, Grandpa Johann announced that he was going to teach Kurt German and send him off to an intense German language camp over the summer. “After all,” he joked to Kurt, “You have to make yourself understood by all the pretty girls…” he paused, “I mean guys. How are you supposed to get a boyfriend, if you two don’t speak the same language?”_

_Kurt tried to smiled at the joke, but the feeble attempt quickly died. He felt so numb since he’d awakened on Carol’s foldout couch a few days before. Numb was good, though, in comparison to the anguish he remembered coming before that. As long as he didn’t go into his father’s room, he could pretend that he was just working late. If he went to the garage, he could pretend that his father was taking a day off – maybe doing something with Finn. Even that would be preferable to this. Any time his thoughts even brushed it, he felt a deep chasm open within himself and he felt so utterly alone and hollow inside. Almost as if his father had died and taken everything along with him that made Kurt into Kurt, now he was just an empty shell – a husk. This time, there would be no one to take his hand during the funeral. This time he’d be all alone._

_Carol only cared for him because of his father. The rest of his family cared, but not enough: not like his father; not like the tall, broad man who would have moved heaven and earth for Kurt. No, he’d never have that again. He’d never wake up to hear his dad singing Happy Birthday to him off-key. He’d never stand up for him again. He couldn’t._

_While everyone else worked out the details of the next few years of Kurt’s life, Kurt felt the anguish rise inside himself again and silently started to cry._

 

_ooo_

 

Kurt woke in his new bed, his face and pillow drenched from his tears. He could hear Reto snoring and Urs mumbling in his sleep. He stole over to the bathroom and got a glass of water to drink.

 

The past day had been the first time he’d sort of had fun in months and now this dream, this memory, had to ruin in. He rinsed off his face and drank another glass of water. Feeling somewhat more relaxed, he snuck back to his bed and got back in. He had a big day ahead of him. He couldn’t afford to be tired. Still, it was not until about an hour later that he relaxed into a restless sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

### Chapter Two

 

Kurt woke up breathing heavily as he shook off the vestiges of another nightmare. He was proud that he’d managed not to scream this time. It had only happened a few times since his father had… Kurt cut off that line of thought. This was Tuesday, the twenty-fourth of August: his first day of lessons in a new school. He couldn’t afford to be distracted.

 

He looked at his alarm clock and turned it off. It would be ringing in about half an hour, anyways. He might as well get a head start on the day. He grabbed a pale blue shirt, plain jeans and black Clark shoes and trotted off to their bathroom, where he got dressed and moisturized out of habit. Since his father had passed, he’d found himself strangely apathetic towards things that had meant a great deal to him before. Now, he couldn’t understand why it had been so important to him. He hadn’t gone shopping since buying the clothes for school. Even then, it was only because he had to: he found no joy in it.

 

The only thing that he cared about now was making his family proud of him by excelling at school. He’d make them see that they were right in sending him to this expensive school. He’d show them that they weren’t wasting their money.

 

He finished getting ready and went back into the bedroom, where his roommates were just starting to wake up. Kurt calmly started to make his bed, even if it wasn’t required until after breakfast. According to his schedule, he’d be starting out the day with two periods of English. After that, he’d have Physics, Assembly and auditions for the school choir, followed by lunch, then Chemistry, Math 3 and Games, where he’d signed up for Biking. He was really looking forward to autumn, where he’d signed up for Jazz Dance. He was also planning on auditioning for their Shakespeare Company, despite his weak German, and English Theater Group. Once he was given the introduction, he also planned on using the gym regularly.

 

Over the past few months, Kurt had found that, the more he physically exerted himself, the less likely he was to dream. The last thing he wanted was to dream about his father. It was so painful to wake up after those dreams. The few times he’d dreamt of him, he’d been thrown for a loop for several days in a row – sometimes up to a few weeks. Even getting out of bed became a chore, then.

 

Kurt pulled out the chair to his desk to wait for Urs and Reto to finish getting ready to head off to breakfast which was starting in about ten minutes. Urs looked fairly put together already, while Reto was looking for a sock. Kurt wondered if he should tell him that it was on his other foot, but decided against it. It was way too much fun watching Reto frantically looking for it. Finally, when Reto decided to look in his space and they were getting low on time, Kurt took pity on Reto and calmly told him to look at his foot.

 

They went to breakfast together, where Kurt grabbed some fruits and something that looked good called Bircher Müesli, which turned out to be oatmeal with apples, raisins, bananas, apricots, strawberries, blackberries, blueberries, raspberries and yoghurt. He really liked it and decided that he’d be eating it regularly.

 

He looked on in slight disgust as Reto liberally spread Nutella, a chocolate, hazelnut cream, on his pieces of white, braided bread. Urs, on the other hand, was putting butter and salami on his bread rolls. Neither of them were talking: they seemed much too concentrated on actually eating. If Kurt had to guess, he’d say that they weren’t exactly early birds.

 

As if reading his mind, Urs smiled at him. “Sorry. We are Morgenmuffeln. We not like morning. Prefer sleep.” He paused a moment. “Too early for English.”

 

Kurt giggled. “Okay. Ich verstehe.” (I understand.)

 

They ate in silence for the rest of the meal.

 

_ooo_

 

The day passed fairly quickly. In every class, everyone had to introduce themselves for the few students that were new. The choir teacher was thrilled to have a male student with Kurt’s range and strong voice and was going on and on about how many doors it opened for him. He made sure that Kurt had signed up for classic voice training, which he already had, and set up a time for Kurt’s piano lessons, after which Kurt had to meet up with the vocal training teacher to set up a time for those lessons, as well. Choir practice, as well as piano and vocal lessons, would actually start a week later.

 

During the breaks, Kurt realized just how many people attending the school spoke German, French or Italian as a first language. True, there were quite a few speaking English, but everyone in that group had an English accent, rather than an American one, and they were trying to subtly one-up each other by which exotic place their parents had taken them to over their summer holidays. He knew he wouldn’t have a place in that group.

 

He looked around, but couldn’t even find Reto or Urs. He figured they were probably off with their classmates. Almost everyone already had their cliques and he was left out. He knew that should bother him more than it did. If it had happened even half a year before, he’d have at least made more of an effort to find someone he could talk to but, as it was, he just made the lackluster effort of looking around for a few minutes before settling down on a bench, waiting for break to be over.

 

Later on in the day, Kurt discovered that he really enjoyed Biking. The ache in his legs and the monotonous movement put him in a wakened daze, where he could shut off his mind. Some of the others were talking, but Kurt didn’t feel like it. He just kept up and remained quiet.

 

After they got back, Kurt auditioned for the two theater groups. He was accepted by both – even though the teacher running the Shakespeare Company told him she would only be giving him a mute role until his German improved.

 

Getting back from that, he worked on his homework and had dinner with Urs and Reto and spent some time in the common room. After a long and exhausting day, he went to bed – hopefully not to dream.

 

_ooo_

 

_Kurt stood among the New Directions on a make-shift stage, near a mahogany coffin. He tried to sing past the lump in his throat as the tears made their way down his cheeks. This was his last chance to sing for his father. He wanted to make the best of it – even if his father would never hear it. He had the solo, but he was grateful for his friends supporting him in the background. He was certain that he’d never be able to do this without their help._

_He remembered when he was a child and had watched the cartoon version of The Hobbit with his father. The graphics had been awful, yet charming. However, the thing that had gripped him was the music. He remembered how his father had mentioned as an off-hand comment, while watching the movie, that he’d like someone to sing ‘The Greatest Adventure’ at his funeral to remind people to live and see him off into the next adventure. When Mr. Shuester had asked Kurt what he wanted to sing, that had been his first choice._

_Kurt swallowed aggressively at the lump, which refused to budge, as he heard the intro to The Greatest Adventure play._

_“The greatest adventure is what lies ahead:_

_Today and tomorrow are yet to be said;_

_The chances the changes are all yours to make;_

_The mold of your life is in your hands to break._

_“The greatest adventure is there if you’re bold:_

_Let go of the moment that life makes you hold._

_To measure the meaning can make you delay---_

_It’s time you stopped thinking and wasting the day._

_“A man who’s a dreamer and never takes lead,_

_Who thinks of a world that is just make-believe,_

_Will never know passion; will never know pain;_

_Who sits by the window will one day see rain._

_“The greatest adventure is what lies ahead:_

_Today and tomorrow are yet said;_

_The chances the changes are all yours to make;_

_The mold of your life is in your hands to break.”_

_The musical accompaniment and the voices of the rest of his Glee Club faded out as Kurt sang the last sentence in rittadando and accapella. His voice was slightly shaky, full of emotion as he tried to give the words the meaning his father wished._

_“The greatest adventure is what lies ahead.”_

_After the song was finished, Kurt tried to pull himself together. He still had to sing. It was his way of saying goodbye. He couldn’t mess this up. He’d never have another chance to say goodbye. He felt a soft hand on his shoulder and looked behind him to find Brittany trying to comfort him. He tried to muster a smile for her. She was such a sweetheart. However, it was for naught. Try as he might, he couldn’t make his lips tilt upwards even the slightest amount._

_Kurt looked at the coffin. He knew this pain. He’d gone through this before. Back then, he’d had his father to help him pull through. Now, he had no one. He was alone: no one to turn to; no one to love him. His family didn’t want him. There was no one he could rely on: no one to give him strength. He felt hollow, numb. He could barely feel Brittany’s touch._

_Certainly, he had his friends. They were a small consolidation, though – and soon he wouldn’t even have them. Soon, he’d be an ocean apart from them. He didn’t know how he felt about that. The only thing he was glad about was that, once he was gone, he wouldn’t constantly be surrounded by reminders of what he’d lost. Maybe then it would hurt less. Maybe then he could forget that no one wanted him: that no one loved him anymore – not like his father had_ – _and no one ever would again._

_The funeral seemed to pass at a snail’s pace. It dragged on and on in Kurt’s eye. New Directions sang more songs, people who had known Burt spoke of him and of their fondest memories of him._

_When it was his turn, Kurt stood at the podium and said, “My father was a man. A simple man, as he’d say. He had principles that he followed. Good values. That’s it, but that’s what made him such a special person – that’s what made him more than just a man to me. Family was his first priority. He would do anything for his family; put them before his own happiness. He loved with his whole being, even if he was sometimes awkward in showing it. As you know, I’ve been here before. Eight years ago, he held my hand to let me know that we’d be alright, that we’d make it. This time, he isn’t there to hold my hand but, because he was there back then, I know I’ll pull through. He taught me how to survive the best and the worst. He raised me well, teaching by example, and I hope that, one day, I can live up to his example and be as good a person as he was. Simple man or not – he’ll always be a huge man to me. I only hope to make him proud of me – and to be as good as he was.” Kurt sniffled, tears running down his cheeks. “He was the best father anyone could wish for. He was my shelter and now…” Kurt broke off. He couldn’t continue to speak. After a few moments, he recovered enough to say, “Thank you,” and ran back to his seat._

_Everything had seemed to blur together afterwards until, all of a sudden, Kurt found himself holding a fist of dirt that he let fall onto the coffin that had been lowered into the ground at some point. Right next to it was the grave marker of one Elizabeth Hummel – Kurt’s mother._

 

_ooo_

 

Kurt awoke once again with a tear-stained face. He sniffled slightly into his pillow and looked at his alarm clock. It was still way too early to be awake. He’d have to at least try to sleep some more. If he didn’t sleep enough, he wouldn’t be able to be as efficient in school, which would mean that his family was wasting time on sending him there. He couldn’t do that. Maybe he’d see the school nurse about sleeping medication. Maybe that would help. He’d approach her about it later in the day after he’d, hopefully, managed to get more sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

### Chapter Three

Soon, Kurt fell into a routine. He got into the two theater groups, as well as the school choir. In addition to that, he also had his singing lessons and piano lessons, he spent at least an hour every day in the school’s gym and participated in the required after-school sports activities. Almost all of his free time was spent in studying, so it was no great surprise that his relationship with his roommates consisted almost solely of helping each other study. Kurt’s German was quickly improving. His teachers had promised that, if he continued to make such good progress on it, they’d let him switch to the higher level class for the next semester. Kurt was really proud of this achievement, even if this meant that his German teacher had given him extra work to help him get caught up with his peers.

_ooo_

Before Kurt knew it, fall vacation was right around the corner.

A few days before it officially started, Reto asked, “So, what are you doing during vacation?”

Kurt answered, “I’ll be going to the holiday camp here. My relatives already signed me up for all the trips during the vacations here. If there were trips during Christmas vacation and during the summer, for my age group, they’d probably sign up for those too.”

“Your family does not like you?”

“They like me just fine. It’s just… difficult. It’s a difficult situation. My… folks just don’t feel equipped for taking care of a teenager like me and I can kinda understand why, but that doesn’t make it any easier. They care for me. If they didn’t, they wouldn’t be sending me here. I just…” Kurt hesitated, “I dunno. Leave it.”

Urs clasped Kurt’s shoulder. “If you wanted, I am sure that my parents would not mind you coming home with us. My little sister could practice her English with you. My mom is good at English, but my dad doesn’t speak it very good.”

Kurt instantly corrected him, “Not very well.”

“Regardless. You could learn better German, too, and there is much better shopping in Basel than here.”

Kurt gave a strained little smile. “No, thanks. My family already paid for this trip. Besides, it sounds interesting travelling around Switzerland and getting to know the country better.”

“I understand. Please let me take you along on our yearly trip to the Herbstmesse, though. It is fun: like an amusement park, but with a market. We have it every year for two weeks.”

“So it’s kinda like your version of a State Fair?”

“Maybe. I guess so.”

“A State Fair is a fair that takes place once a year for a few weeks that has food, games, contests, shopping and a few rides.”

“Then yes, it is that. Will you come? Reto is coming.”

Reto cut in, “I haven’t missed it since we first became roommates three years ago. Our last roommate will probably come, too, even if he’s in the Grosshaus now. That’s where they stick all the students that are too old.”

Urs added, “Kurt and I will be there next year, too. You will have two new roommates, Reto.”

“But I will still come with you to the Herbstmesse.”

“Good. Then we are going to leave on November twelfth after classes and we are going to return on November fourteenth. We are going by train. Make sure to ask your parents for a permission slip.”

Kurt froze for a moment. Parents. He didn’t have any parents anymore. He only had his grandparents, aunt and uncle. Sure, his grandparents would be able to give it to him. They were his legal guardians, after all, but he couldn’t ask his parents because they were dead. They were dead and he was an orphan.

It suddenly hit him with full force. As long as he’d been away, he had been able to pretend. He wasn’t really an orphan. His father was just away: his father was back in America and had sent Kurt to Switzerland for better schooling options and to get him away from the bullying. At times like these, though, he couldn’t pretend and all the pain came flooding back: all the despair, the grief and the loss – and it was so difficult to get rid of it again.

He vaguely felt someone shaking his shoulder. Then he heard a voice, Urs’, asking him, “Kurt, are you alright? I am sure your parents…”

Kurt broke him off harshly, “I don’t talk about them for a reason, you know.” 

Urs asked slowly, “Why not?”

Kurt swallowed and blurted out, before he could rethink it, “I don’t have any parents.” He breathed in heavily, trying to hold back the tears, but he still felt the tell-tale wetness in his eyes, the headache building and the lump in his throat.

Reto gasped, “What?”

Urs scowled at him. “Not now.” He turned back to Kurt. “What do you mean with that?”

The first tear spilled. “I mean that I’m an orphan. My mom died when I was eight. My dad died this spring. Both sets of my grandparents, my aunt and my uncle are sending me here because they can’t take care of me, but they want me to have the best education. I keep trying to forget, but it just doesn’t work.” Another tear came. “He was all I had. Now I have nothing. Nothing!”

Reto didn’t hold back any longer and gave Kurt a short, awkward hug. Urs clasped Kurt’s shoulder and patted it. He cleared his throat and said, “It is okay. Is there something we can give you or some way we can help you?”

Kurt shook his head. “I just want someone to love me. Is that too much to ask?”

Reto answered, “It is not. You are a great person. We like you. Not romantic, just friendship, but we care. You have us.”

Kurt sobbed, “It’s not the same. It isn’t. My parents are the only people who ever wanted me. I want that back, but I can’t: I’ll never have that back. I know that, but still…”

Reto wiped furiously at his moist eyes, while Urs remained more composed and suggested, “Maybe you should go to a…” he struggled to find the right word, “Psychiater… a mental health doctor.”

“I don’t need a psychiatrist! I don’t! I won’t cost my family even more money! I’m enough of a burden on them, as is!”

“A few sessions are covered by health insurance. More than that, if they find there is a good reason for you to be going. Please, try it.”

“I’m not sick. I don’t need help. I’m fine. I’m dealing.”

Urs responded matter-of-factly, “No, you are not.”

“Yes, I am. Leave me alone.”

“No.”

“Leave me alone!” Kurt tried to pull away.

“Are you even listening to what you’re saying?” Urs asked. “Leaving you alone is the last thing we should be doing right now.”

“You don’t understand! No one does!”

Reto replied hotly, “No, we do not understand, but we can be there for you and care for you, still. Head up. It is getting better.”

Kurt’s knees gave out and he crashed to the floor. His roommates sat down next to him with slight hesitation. Urs patted Kurt’s back just let him sob. Shortly before he cried himself to sleep, Kurt felt them pick him up and put him on his soft bed. He heard them talking about how light he was as he drifted off.

_ooo_

When Kurt woke up again a few hours later, he was slightly surprised at how rested he felt. He shook his head groggily and looked around to see Reto resting in his bed, cuddling with his pillow.

Kurt heard the snap of a photo being taken and saw a flash in Reto’s corner of the room. Glancing at the desks in the center of the room, he saw Urs seated there with a camera.

Urs motioned Kurt over to him with the hand holding the camera. Reflexively, Kurt reached his hands up to cover his hair, before realizing what he was doing. Urs noticed and put the camera away with a wink. Kurt grabbed Reto’s chair from the desk vis-à-vis Urs’ and sat next to him. Urs whispered, so as not to wake Reto, “Now, Kurt, I know you do not want to see a professional for your problems, but we have a Medical Centre. There are people there to talk to. Please try it.”

Kurt shook his head. “No. I didn’t need it for when my mom died; I don’t need it now. I’m surviving.”

“But are you living?”

“It doesn’t matter. I only have to focus on getting good grades. I can’t have my family wasting their money on me. I have to be the best.”

“That is not healthy. You must first look for yourself.”

“I don’t care. It’s all I’ve got. It’s the only thing I can do. I’m fine. There’s nothing wrong with me. Now leave it.”

“This is not the end of this talk.”

“Yes, it is. Now, I’m hungry. I’m going to get a snack.”

“It is three in the afternoon.”

“Exactly. I missed lunch.”

“Reto will be unhappy. He likes eating.”

“Most teenage boys do, in my experience.”

“You do not. There are many things that you will not touch at the cafeteria. You always eat salads and sometimes chicken.”

“My dad had a heart attack, so I try to avoid overly salty, greasy foods. Besides, I have to watch my figure.” 

Kurt walked out of the room, pausing by the door to close it, only to hear Urs say to himself, “Kurt, das letchte was du muesch mache isch abneh. Wenn öpis bruchst meh Fleisch uf de Knoche.”

Kurt’s chest grew tight as he translated in his head. Urs thought he was too skinny. Sure, he hadn’t been very hungry lately and even this time it was an excuse to get out of their room, but he wasn’t that skinny. He could still remember Coach Sylvester telling him about his pear hips. As far as he could tell, they were still there. If anything, they had become even more exaggerated in comparison to the rest of his body.

However, even if he didn’t feel like eating, he still forced himself to eat at every meal. He showed up at every meal and ate something, even if it sometimes tasted like ashes. At least he was eating. He already knew that this would be one of those times. It was important to eat, though. You had to eat to survive, right? Maybe, just this once, though, he could go to one of the music rooms to practice for his singing and piano lessons instead.

He stood in the hallway, trying to decide where to go, when another figure came barreling into him, knocking him off his feet. Kurt let out a short, “Ow!” before looking up into a pair of green eyes. He was tall and slender with brown hair that was carefully styled. He recognized him vaguely as being in the parallel class, DIS4a. They had their language classes together, but they’d never really spoken. Kurt had only heard rumors of him and they were enough to stay out of his way. His name was something Smythe.

Smythe smirked down at Kurt. “Like what you see?”

Kurt blinked, looking up from where he had landed on the floor. “What?”

“You sure were looking for a while.”

Kurt felt the heat rising in his cheeks. “I was just trying to remember what your name is.”

“Smythe. Sebastian Smythe.” He reached out a hand to help Kurt up. “Next time, watch where you’re going.”

Kurt smacked Sebastian’s hand away. He stated primly, “I was standing here trying to decide between music practice and a snack when _you_ came barreling into me. That is hardly my fault.”

“Yeah, yeah, but you were standing in the middle of an intersection of hallways. Now let me help you up and all’s well that ends well.”

Hesitantly, Kurt took Sebastian’s hand. For a moment, he marveled at the sense of another boy’s hand clasping his own, before Sebastian pulled him up sharply – a little too sharply. The momentum caused Kurt to fall against Sebastian’s body. For a split second, Kurt enjoyed the feeling of being this close to an, admittedly, attractive guy. The moment passed quickly, though, and Kurt quickly stumbled back a step, with Sebastian still holding his hand.

Sebastian stroked the back of Kurt’s hand with his thumb. “You have incredibly soft skin, Kurt. Is it this soft everywhere?”

“How do you know my name?”

“I make it a point to remember the names of classmates who are aesthetically pleasing so, please, answer my question. Is your skin this soft all over your body?”

Kurt’s face grew hot. “I moisturize. I work on keeping it that soft all over.”

“And how far does that blush of yours extend?”

Kurt brought up his other hand as a fist to his mouth as he averted his eyes from Sebastian. “I don’t know… I never looked”

“Wanna find out? I’ll make your decision easier for you. Don’t get a snack or practice music. Come to my room for a little one-on-one instead.”

Kurt shook his head. “No.” He yanked his hand out of Sebastian’s, already missing the feeling, and dashed off in the next best direction, which happened to be for the music rooms. He heard the other boy pursuing him, so he ran faster.

Once Kurt was at the practice rooms, he took notice that his favorite one, the one with the grand piano, was free, so he went inside and locked it from the inside, trying to catch his breath. It was then he realized that he had forgotten to take along his music notes for practicing for his lessons.

Sebastian was out there, though, so Kurt didn’t dare leave again – at least not for an hour or two. Urs and Reto were probably packing: getting ready to leave in a few days. He didn’t want to see that. He didn’t want to be reminded of what he wasn’t going to have; what he’d never have again.

He removed the dust cover from the front of the instrument. The instrument was loud enough already that he didn’t need to prop it open. He lifted the cover from the keys and sat down thinking of the various songs he could do without the music for them and that fit to his mood, at least slightly. Finally, he rested on ‘Try to Remember’ from the musical ‘The Fantasticks.’

He played the intro and a little ways into the song to make sure that he remembered it correctly. Then he played the intro again and started to sing along,

_ “Try to remember the kind of September _  
_ When life was slow and oh, so mellow. _  
_ Try to remember the kind of September _  
_ When grass was green and grain was yellow. _  
_ Try to remember the kind of September _  
_ When you were a tender and callow fellow. _  
_ Try to remember, and if you remember, _  
_ Then follow. _

_ “Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow _  
_ Follow, follow, follow, follow. _

_ “Try to remember when life was so tender _  
_ That no one wept except the willow. _  
_ Try to remember when life was so tender _  
_ That dreams were kept beside your pillow. _  
_ Try to remember when life was so tender _  
_ That love was an ember about to billow. _  
_ Try to remember, and if you remember, _  
_ Then follow. _

_ “Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow _  
_ Follow, follow, follow, follow. _

_ “Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow _  
_ Follow, follow, follow, follow. _

_ “Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow _  
_ Follow, follow, follow, follow. _

_ “Deep in December, it’s nice to remember, _  
_ Although you know the snow will follow. _  
_ Deep in December, it’s nice to remember, _  
_ Without a hurt the heart is hollow. _  
_ Deep in December, it’s nice to remember, _  
_ The fire of September that made us mellow. _  
_ Deep in December, our hearts should remember _  
_ And follow.” _

Kurt went straight from there into an instrumental rendition of ‘Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again’ that he couldn’t bring himself to sing along to. From there he went into a song he knew, but wasn’t extremely good at, so he sang and rapped fairly quietly, making sure that no one outside could hear him.

“ _Mirror, Mirror on the wall,_   
_ You’re the one who knows it all; _  
_ Can you help me find the answer to the meaning of it all? _  
_ I’ve been searching for so long, _  
_ Now that part of me is gone. _  
_ Can you help me Mirror, Mirror? _  
_ Mirror, Mirror on the wall. _

_ “I can hear the rain fall down in the dark night; _  
_ From the corridor, I see the moonlight. _  
_ Thoughts of the past interfere with reality, _  
_ Though contained in my own immortality. _  
_ How does it feel _  
_ When you try to get away from the pain; _  
_ Break from the chains? _  
_ In a world that has left you to hang with no name, _  
_ The blame remains in your veins. _  
_ And, though I walk in the valley of lost time, _  
_ I can’t escape this monotonous state of mind _  
_ ’Cause, if I did, then I’m banished _  
_ Never to go back. _  
_ The world just fades to black _  
_ But, if I died, then God knows I tried! _  
_ From all the sins, I confess to testify. _  
_ Blood tears fall down to the ground from my eyes _  
_ And I pray to the sky, _  
_ Can you help me? _

_ “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, _  
_ You’re the one who knows it all; _  
_ Can you help me find the answer to the meaning of it all? _  
_ I’ve been searching for so long, _  
_ Now that part of me is gone. _  
_ Can you help me Mirror, Mirror? _  
_ Mirror, Mirror on the wall. _

_ “Evil lurks in the land and I fear _  
_ The end is near. _  
_ Images on the wall appear _  
_ All around as I meditate thoughts of madness _  
_ Intertwined in my mind with the sadness. _  
_ I’m led astray _  
_ As I hear the beast call for the prey. _  
_ And, if I obey, _  
_ Then my soul will fade: dust in the wind. _  
_ And the nightmare begins _  
_ And I’m in the realm of annihilation, revelations. _  
_ In the mists, I can find salvation. _  
_ It’s the way that I roam. _  
_ I’m aware, though I feel so alone, _  
_ But I know there’s a price for the place that I wanna be; _  
_ If I just see that it’s there for me, _  
_ I’ll be having no fear of the world, if I look in the mirror. _

_ “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, _  
_ You’re the one who knows it all; _  
_ Can you help me find the answer to the meaning of it all? _  
_ I’ve been searching for so long, _  
_ Now that part of me is gone. _  
_ Can you help me Mirror, Mirror? _  
_ Mirror, Mirror on the wall. _

_ “One more time in the Mirror _  
_ And everything’s a little bit clearer. _  
_ Don’t be afraid, if you open your eyes _  
_ and you see yourself in the mirror. _  
_ If it takes control of your body, _  
_ Takes control of your soul, _  
_ You’ll realize when you open your eyes _  
_ to the Mirror, Mirror on the wall. _

_ “One more time in the Mirror _  
_ And everything’s a little bit clearer. _  
_ Don’t be afraid, if you open your eyes _  
_ and you see yourself in the mirror. _  
_ If it takes control of your body, _  
_ Takes control of your soul, _  
_ You’ll realize when you open your eyes _  
_ to the Mirror, Mirror on the wall.” _

Kurt knew that it wasn’t exactly his best style. Trey D.’s song ‘Mirror, Mirror’ didn’t fit him on any way on the surface but, below the surface, it touched something in him that he didn’t want to understand; didn’t want to acknowledge.

Kurt decidedly pulled away from the morbid sadness and instead decided to spend the rest of the time he was there doing Disney songs. After all, who could go wrong with Disney songs? Maybe they’d even lift his spirits a bit.

He heard someone outside approaching the room. Hopefully, that mean that Sebastian hadn’t been around there earlier. He had been rushing somewhere, so maybe he’d gone and finished that before he’d come here to find him again.

So Kurt spent the next hour or so going through all the Disney songs he knew off the top of his head. He dedicated a long time to getting ‘Silly Song’ from Snow White correct. He’d forgotten how difficult it was to play, since it was fast-paced with a lot of jumps. It took him three times to get the accompaniment right on the piano and another six times to get it right and be able to sing along to it at the same time.

_ooo_

Finally, Kurt decided that enough was enough. Looking at his watch, he knew it was suppertime and he really did have to eat something, even if he still wasn’t hungry.

Kurt opened the door to see Sebastian sitting outside his door. He stood up a moment later, after seeing Kurt come out. Sebastian asked, “So, you taking lessons?”

Kurt nodded. “Singing and piano.”

“You’re good. Are you in the choir? I’m sure they could use a voice like yours.”

“You mean high-pitched and like a girl?”

“I didn’t say it.”

“You didn’t have to. But, for reference, I am.”

“I guess that’s one more reason to join, then. I’ve been thinking about it, but I’ve been busy with trying to figure out this German stuff. I mean, okay, in some ways it’s easier than French, but I grew up speaking French and English. I’ve never actually had to learn a language before.”

“Well, I’m pretty good at that. I learned most of my French from self-study. I had it in school, but the teacher preferred to teach by sticking in French movies and then wandering off to do something different. Occasionally, she’d tell us to study grammar or vocabulary and then give us a test. I was the only person who actually got good grades. Our teacher would round up everyone else’s grades to a C at the end of the semester, with an occasional B for good measure, so that no one would think there was something wrong with her classes and she would get sacked.”

“Were all your teachers like that?”

“Piss poor? Yes, they were. If you couldn’t study on your own, you were shit out of luck. The guidance counselor has OCD, the Glee teacher played favorites and, in Spanish class, he had his students learn vocabulary by repeating it after him. I’m pretty sure that, if our cheerleading coach had actually taught anything, everyone would have paid attention to it – she’s scary. The only time our football team was successful was when I got them to dance to Beyoncé and was their kicker.”

“Bit of a culture shock, eh? What with going from public school to private school and from the States to Switzerland, all at the same time; and you’re still doing better than me. Respect.”

“Well, I was set back a year because I started school when I was six instead of seven, like here, and my old school was so poor. Straight As don’t matter much when you’re coming from there.”

“That sucks. I’m a year younger than my classmates because I started a year younger in France, too, but the only thing I’m behind on is German, since I went to an international school there, too.”

“Where did you live?”

“Paris.”

“What was it like?”

“A dream. There were loads of hot guys, an active night life, it was never difficult to charm your way into a guy’s pants…”

“Are the rumors about you correct?”

“Which ones? The one about me being sent here because it’s in the middle of nowhere because I was a bad boy or the one about my dad being the state attorney in Ohio, thus not wanting to have me around to give him a bad name?”

“Well, yeah, but mostly, is it true that you were always out partying, getting drunk and getting laid instead of going to school?”

“Yep, that’s the reason my parents sent me here to the middle of nowhere. They were thinking about sending me to Ohio, but my dad was worried that I might besmirch his wonderfully dull reputation. Besides, the less they have to do with their gay son, the better. We have a deal, of sorts. I’ll make sure to have a male heir some day with a surrogate, keep my distance from them, show up at the occasional social function, pretending to be the perfect son, and they leave me free reign. That is, free reign in the middle of nowhere where I can’t get up to any mischief.”

“Sounds like a good idea. How are you supposed to be able to learn anything, if you don’t go to school? Or if you’re so hung over you can’t see straight?”

“I was still getting good grades – until I was caught by a female guard. Couldn’t offer her any sexual favors, so I was caught. My parents bribed the school into taking it off my transcripts, so none of it officially happened. That’s why everyone knows what happened. It’s not like I’m ashamed of it or anything.”

Kurt wrinkled his nose. “That’s disgusting. How could you just… sleep with people like that?”

“It’s fun. I can’t help it that I like sex. Doesn’t matter who it’s with. Right now, my parents’ plan is working, though. This school is in the middle of nowhere. There’s a gay friendly bar a few towns over, but that’s it and they won’t let me in because I’m too young and my parents took all my fake IDs… not that they were that good, anyways, so it’s no big loss, but it’s still annoying.”

“Why are you telling me all of this?”

“You’re the only one who actually asked me. I’m a bastard. I know it. I’m even proud of it, but I’m an honest one.”

Kurt asked, “So… why did you… proposition me?”

“Because you’re obviously gay and I’m desperate.”

“That’s all?”

“Yeah, what else should it be?”

“Well, then my answer is ‘no.’ I’m not going to give up my first time to you just so you have another notch in your bedpost. I’m worth more than that.”

“Are you crazy? You can’t do better than me anymore than I can do better than you.”

“I don’t want to pick up any STDs from you.”

“I’ve always used protection and regularly have had check-ups. I’m clean.”

“But my first time…”

“Let me guess. You wanted it to be in a bed of roses or something equally sappy and romantic? You wanted it to be with someone who loves you? You wanted it to be with another guy who hasn’t managed to lose his virginity yet and you expect it to blow your mind. Well, speaking from experience, I’ve tried that. It sucks because, more often than not, the guy will leave you high and dry after he got laid. You’ll look back at it in regret. At least with me you’ll be guaranteed a good time. I can teach you things. I know how to make a guy scream.”

“No,” Kurt replied. “I don’t care about most of that stuff. I just want somebody to love me.”

“So you’d jump into bed with the first guy who claimed to love you? News flash, Kurt: those words are easy to say. Love is easy to fake. If I chose, I could make you believe that I love you. You’d be eating out of my hands after a few big gestures. I’d make my eyes soften slightly when I look at you. You’d be putty… but I don’t do that. I’m honest and up-front about what I want.”

“But… I just…”

“Love is a big farce. It’s just chemicals firing in our brains. Have you ever heard of the group Pansy Division?”

Kurt blinked. “Um, no. Can’t say I have.”

“They’re a great band from California who sing gay-themed songs. They’re awesome.”

“If you say so.”

“One of their songs, ‘Luv Luv Luv,’ describes just what I was telling you about love. It’s just an evolutionary thing to try and get people to propagate and stick around to take care of the kids, giving them a higher chance of survival. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex. Sex is there to actually propagate and to feel good. Even women feel good, because evolution figured that it was useful. We’re one of the only animals where the woman actually gets pleasure from the act, so let’s just run with that instead of making it more complicated than it actually has to be.” 

“I have to go eat.”

“Let me sing you the song. I listened to you.”

“Okay, fine – but only because it’s common decency.”

Sebastian winked. “You won’t regret it.” With that, he burst into song,

_ “So many romantic dreams _   
_ are merely bedroom schemes. _   
_ It’s such a nice ideal; _   
_ Too bad it’s rarely real. _   
_ “We’re animals at the core, _   
_ Instincts we can’t ignore. _   
_ You think you’re civilized\-- _   
_ You just might be surprised _

_ “People talk about _   
_ Love love love love love _   
_ And it sounds like _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah _   
_ ’Cause it really means _   
_ Sex, sex, sex, sex _   
_ People just want to connect _

_ “Love love love love love _   
_ So typical _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah _

_ “We don’t feel like we think we should _   
_ Not like we were taught we would _   
_ We’ve been fed to much bull about _   
_ Love love love love love love love love… _

_ “I believe in love, that’s true _   
_ I’m a sucker just like you _   
_ But real love don’t stand a chance _   
_ in absurd pop song romance _   
_ Grow up with my point of view _   
_ It’s easy to see right through _   
_ You start to feel deceived _   
_ Grow out what you believe _

_ “People sing about _   
_ Love love love love love _   
_ And it sounds like _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah _   
_ ’Cause they really mean _   
_ Sex, sex, sex, sex _   
_ People just want to connect _

_ “Love love love love love _   
_ Yawn _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah _

_ “We don’t feel like we think we should _   
_ Not like we were taught we would _   
_ We’ve been fed to much bull about _   
_ Love love love love love love love love _

_ “We don’t feel like we think we should _   
_ Not like we were taught we would _   
_ We’ve been fed to much bull about _   
_ Love love love love love _   
_ And it sounds like _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah _   
_ ’Cause you know it means _   
_ Sex, sex, sex, sex _   
_ People just want to connect _

_ “Love love love love love _   
_ Grrrr! _   
_ Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah _

_ “We’ve been fed to much bull about _   
_ Love love love love love love love love _   
_ We’ve been fed too much bull about _   
_ Love love love love love love love…” _

Kurt sniffed in distaste and commented, “That song is vulgar and utter nonsense. I have better things to do with my time than listen to you sing songs like that. Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m going to eat.”

“Sure, go ahead: run away from this; but you and I both know that, in the end, you’ll be coming back to me. You’ll give in. You want this. You want to know what it’s like and, believe me, even if you don’t love the person you’re with, at that moment it’s like you’re the only person in the world for them and vice versa. There is nothing that connects you closer to someone else than sex.”

Kurt wondered, was Sebastian right? He couldn’t be, could he? He had to be wrong. Otherwise… otherwise all Kurt’s dreams and fantasies of relationships would go up in smoke. That couldn’t be all there was to it. He had to hold onto that. If not, what did he have left? Without his father, his dreams of the future, he had nothing except maybe Broadway or the catwalks… but would anyone actually want him? He was a reject: unwanted. The only reason Sebastian was giving him the time of day was because there wasn’t anyone else.

Kurt asked, “How did the rumors about you get out?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Probably Facebook. I think a few of them got started when I tried to chat up a few guys. If there are any other gay guys at this school, they probably know about me, but they haven’t come up to me, so I assume they’re not interested.”

“I didn’t come on to you, though.”

“No, but you’re so blindingly obviously gay that a blind man could tell just by listening to you talk. Look, normally you’re not my type, but you’re not half-bad looking and desperate times call for desperate measures.”

Kurt felt the anger rising in him. He couldn’t believe that for a moment he’d almost fallen for the trap. He snarked, “You sure know how to make a reluctant guy fall into bed with you. Well, good luck finding someone that stupid. There’s not a snowball’s chance in hell that it’ll be me.”

“I’ll let you think about it during fall vacation. What are you doing for it, by the way?”

“I’m going on the school trip. It’s not like I’m going to pay for a ticket to go back to the US more than twice a year.”

“It would probably be cheaper, though.”

Kurt raised an eyebrow, while letting the other side of his mouth curl up slightly. “I’ll learn more this way: improve my German. I’ll probably be testing into the next level for the next semester.”

“Do you actually do anything else other than study?”

“Yes, I do. I’m in both theater groups, I’m in choir, I go to the gym regularly…”

Sebastian looked Kurt up and down, “Well that doesn’t show. One would think that, doing that, you’d have built up some more muscle but, no, you’re just as buff as you were the first day I saw you. As a matter of fact, I think you’re even skinnier. Better gain some of that back or your ass will end up looking flat and boring.”

Kurt hissed, “You’re the one stopping me from going to supper.”

Sebastian smirked, “Then I’ll take you there myself and I’ll choose what you eat.”

“No. I’m on diet restrictions. I watch my cholesterol, salt and acid-producing things very carefully. I don’t want to die when I’m young.”

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter how you eat. In the end effect, you could have an accident tomorrow and die. Can you say that you enjoyed your life? Can you say that you lived it to its fullest? No, you can’t. Carpe Diem. That’s my motto. I’m gonna enjoy my life and have fun so I don’t regret it when I die. Life is all about fun and games. The serious stuff comes early enough. You gotta live while you’re young.”

“Thus disappointing your family again and again. I don’t think I could do that.”

“I could teach you. The first step would be coming to my room.”

“I don’t want to learn that. My family is spending a lot of money sending me here. I’m going to make the best out of it and get the best grades I possibly can for later on in life.”

“You’re dull and boring and you have a bad case of gay face, but I’m still willing to sleep with you.”

Kurt rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, “Well woo-hoo. I’m not willing to sleep with you.”

“Let’s get some food into that scrawny body of yours. Then you can still change your mind.”

“As if,” Kurt scoffed, but followed Sebastian to the cafeteria, regardless.

_ooo_

In the cafeteria Kurt made his way to the salad bar, as usual, but Sebastian dragged him back to the warm food. “You can’t eat salad tonight! They have lasagna today – either with vegetables or with meat. It’s really good. They also have some tortellini, tortelloni and vegetable omelets. You don’t have to get salad to get something healthy to eat here.”

“But who knows what they put in there?”

Sebastian shot back, “Well, who knows what they put in those salad dressings? Besides, it says on the signs where the meat is from,” he gestured at one of the signs that listed all the meats in German and English and what country they came from. He took a large portion of each of the types of lasagna, a menu salad and some tiramisu. In spite of Kurt’s protests he gave him a helping of the vegetable lasagna, a vegetable omelet, a menu salad and a slice of quark cake, which looked somewhat like cheese cake.

Kurt protested, “I can’t eat all of this!”

Sebastian shrugged, “Well, you can at least try.”

“But I’m not that hungry.”

“I don’t care. You’re going to try to eat that stuff on your plate, if I have to force-feed you myself.”

“But it’ll go straight to my hips…”

“That might be a good thing. Sex with people who are too thin can be rather painful. It’s good to have something to hold onto that won’t hurt as much.”

Kurt scoffed. “Is everything about sex to you?”

Sebastian gave him a half-smile and wink. “Not everything – but most things are.”

Kurt groaned, not even noticing when Sebastian put Kurt’s meal on his meal-card until it was too late. “Hey! Wait! What are you doing?”

“Guilt-tripping you. Seems to be the only way to get you to do anything. Now, are you going to waste the meal I just bought you or are you going to eat it?”

Kurt grabbed his tray with a scowl. At least Sebastian hadn’t tried to talk him out of the diet coke he’d gotten. At least _it_ didn’t contain any additional calories. Kurt really didn’t want to gain weight because some stupid, sex-obsessed jerk decided to force-feed him. He didn’t ask for it and he didn’t need it.

Kurt took a quick look around. Most of the other students had already eaten supper. There were only a few stragglers left, but there were a few faces he recognized from his dorms of classes and he’d even talked to a few of them. None of them were really his friends, though. None were people that he’d ever consider joining at their table. He really hated eating alone, though. It made him remember other times – past times. It always left him feeling lonely, so he reluctantly followed Sebastian to a seat. It was better to be sitting with him than to be sitting alone: the lesser of two evils, so to speak.

Kurt noticed that not once did Sebastian seem to want to join any of the other groups. They all seemed to ignore him – even though Kurt knew that some of them were in Sebastian’s classes. Unable to bite back the question, Kurt asked, “Don’t you have any friends here to annoy instead of me?”

“Nope. Most of the students here are idiots and not worth my time.”

“In other words, you were a jerk to them and they decided they didn’t like you.”

A tinge of pink appeared on Sebastian’s cheeks a moment before he turned away in favor of guiding them towards an empty table. “Whatever makes you think that?”

“Because I’m still wondering why I’m hanging out with you. You’re abrasive and rude. You want to get into my pants just to get off, but you do so by insulting me all the time. If you treat other people even half as badly as you’ve treated me in the past few hours since we first talked, then I’m not surprised that no one wants to have anything to do with you.”

“But you’re still talking to me.”

“Because I feel sorry for you. You’re alone. I, at least, have my roommates.”

“But that’s all you have, don’t you; because you spend all your time studying and doing extracurriculars that you don’t get around to anything else.”

“No, actually, I’ve played with several people in my house in our common rooms. I’ve actually gotten half-way decent at playing foosball.”

“What did you do to deserve two roommates? My parents made sure that I had a single. It was the first thing that they ensured when sending me here.”

“That’s because you’d drive any roommate of yours insane in the first week of knowing you.”

“At least I have my free space and don’t have to worry about having a terrible, homophobic roommate who will make me run away to the music rooms to get some fresh air.”

Kurt glared at Sebastian. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. I actually had a roommate once who was homophobic. He almost became my step-brother. Since getting to know me, he’s gotten better, though. He’s not as bad anymore as he used to be.”

“Why didn’t he become your step-brother?” Sebastian asked, setting his tablet on the table that sat four.

Kurt set his tablet down a little harshly, kitty-corner from Sebastian. “That is none of your business,” he snarled.

“Ooh, is that a sore spot? Why?”

“Shut up. I can always sit elsewhere.”

“And miss out on this fantastic conversation? Are you crazy? Why would you do that to yourself?”

“For some strange reason, I don’t think I’d actually be missing out on that much. I’d be able to put on my music and listen to that while eating instead of hearing your annoying voice and being distracted by your craigslist smell and horse-teeth.”

Sebastian smirked. “Well, I have to tolerate you looking like you spend too much time in the women’s section when shopping instead of the men’s section.”

“I wear perfectly acceptable clothing for a male. Even if you can’t tell, fashion knows no gender or taste, in some cases. My almost-step-brother wore a shower curtain to school once. It was during Lady Gaga week in our Glee Club. He was trying to make up for calling all my stuff faggy.”

“Well, you know, he was right.”

“What?” Kurt demanded.

“All the insults that people throw at us of us being fags and fairies and all those other derogative names – they’re all true. I mean, sure, they could phrase it better, but why get upset because of it? It’s just a matter of fact. Tell me you never felt like going to a Halloween party dressed like a real fairy just to be contrary. They don’t know what they’re talking about. So why get mad or defensive? Look at me: I don’t bother listening to anyone and I’m happy.”

“Well, I’m not a selfish, self-absorbed sex-addict either.”

“But are you happy?”

“I’m fine and caring only about myself won’t make me feel any better. I was brought up better than that.”

“Tell me, do you feel alive right now: bickering back and forth with me? Do you feel the excitement of being able to duel with someone with words? Have you noticed how much you’ve already eaten?”

Kurt blinked and looked at his plate. To his surprise, he found that Sebastian was correct. About half of the food on his plate had disappeared. He hadn’t even noticed what it tasted like, because he hadn’t been paying attention to it. It couldn’t have been all that unpleasant, though, if he hadn’t been adverse to the taste. Still, it had been so long since he’d actually eaten something without forcing himself to. Maybe it was actually a good thing to hang out with Sebastian.

There was a comfortable silence, as the two of them continued to eat. Kurt found that the warm food actually did taste a little bit better, but it still didn’t taste like much now that he was paying attention to it. Kurt wanted to distract himself, so he asked, “So, where is your family actually from?”

“My father’s the State Attorney in Ohio. He lives in Cleveland with his third wife and my identical twin half-brothers. His second wife lives in Norway with my half-sister. My mom lives in Aix En Provence in France. That’s where I usually go during vacation. Her parents live in Nice and my dad’s parents in Florida.”

Kurt’s mouth dropped at the mention of his home state. “You can’t be serious. Your dad is from Ohio?”

“Well, yeah. What’s so strange about that?”

“I’m from Ohio.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Well, they always say it’s a small world. I’ve been there a few times. It isn’t much, but it’s kinda homely, I guess. I’d never want to live there, though. Just imagine not being allowed to drink alcohol until you’re twenty-one! Just awful. How do those people survive?”

“By not drinking.”

“Nope,” Sebastian winked, “by getting fake IDs. You just have to be careful to go somewhere where they aren’t going to look too closely at them”

“I managed to get drunk and make a fool of myself because a lady told me that Chablis would give me courage. I ended up talking about Bambi and puking.”

“That doesn’t sound too bad. I’ve done that a thousand times.”

“Oh, it’s worse than that. Remember, I told you that our guidance counselor had OCD? I threw up on her shoes.”

Sebastian broke out into laughter, receiving a few odd looks from some of the others in the cafeteria.

Kurt scowled. “Hey! That isn’t funny! She had to go to the emergency room because of it.”

“Oh, but it is funny! At least I have the sense to have never been drunk in school.”

“Well, it’s not like I knew any better.”

“How old were you?”

“I was fifteen.”

“So you were my age. Wow, you were late.”

Kurt huffed. “I don’t have to listen to this from you.”

Sebastian commented, “Try your quark cake.”

“Why should I?”

“Do you like cheese cake?”

“Yes…?”

“Well, it’s the closest thing you’ll find to cheesecake here in Switzerland and it’s damn good: not as good as Tiramisu, but close.”

“I never would have guessed,” Kurt said caustically. Still, he took a bite. Then another. With slight surprise, he stated, “This is actually pretty good. I’m impressed.” He took another bite, surprised that something actually tasted good.

“What?” Sebastian asked indignantly. “Don’t you trust me?”

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Trust you? Hardly,” he scoffed. “I’d just as soon trust a tarantula.”

“Oh, that’s harsh. Surely I’m not that bad. At least I’m good-looking: much better-looking than a tarantula.”

Kurt smiled and looked up to the side. “Maybe. I think I’d still prefer to kiss one over kissing you.”

“You don’t know how good a kisser I am, princess. If you knew, you’d never want to kiss anyone else ever again.”

“Well, I wouldn’t know. I’ve only kissed family and a girl, but she doesn’t count. Besides, if Gene Kelly can prefer to kiss a tarantula, then I can too.”

“Gene Kelly didn’t have the option of kissing me, though.”

“No, but I think the character he was playing preferred Debbie Reynolds.”

There was a moment of silence as Sebastian ate hit tiramisu and Kurt his quark cake. Finally, Kurt sighed. “You have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about, do you?”

“Nope, not even the slightest.”

“The tarantula is a reference to the musical ‘Singing in the Rain’.”

“Ah. Okay. That tells me so much. You know, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean that I watch musicals, am interested in fashion or any other stereotypical things.”

“I gathered that. You’re more the embodiment of a hetero skirt-chaser – except that you’re chasing tailcoats instead of skirts.”

“Seems like you have me pegged. Can I peg you now?”

Kurt blinked. “What? Sure?”

“Really? Then come to my room. Let’s not waste any more time.”

Kurt scrunched his nose in disgust. “No! What does…?” Realization dawned on him and his face grew bright red. “That was a double entendre?”

Sebastian laughed.

Kurt scowled at him, though it lost most of its force, due to his blush. “It’s not funny!”

Sebastian chortled, “Yes, it is. You’re so oblivious and innocent – how can I not laugh? How could your folks let you out of their home like this?”

“Hey! I know about that…” he hesitated, “that stuff. I’ve heard about it and whatnot.”

“You said it earlier. Sex. Don’t talk around it. It is what it is.”

“You have a one-track mind.”

“Yep. Thus, I’m a pretty ordinary teenage guy. This is the age when we reproduce the best. That’s also why our hormones are so crazy.”

“Well, regardless. I’ve obviously got higher standards than you do.”

“That’s because you’re like a girl. You want feelings. You want romance. You want phony baloney.”

“I don’t understand why you’re putting so much work into this when you’ll be gone in about a week, free to spend as much time as you want out gallivanting and picking up anyone drunk or blind enough to agree to it.”

“Oh, they don’t have to be drunk or blind. All I have to do is dance and they’re all over me. I don’t even have to try.”

“So, I take it you’ll be in Jazz Dance after break?”

“Wouldn’t miss it. I love dancing, especially with an audience.”

“I’m not too sure how much the audience will appreciate you looking like you’re trying to get laid instead of dancing in sync with the rest of our group. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that would look pretty bad in Jazz Dance: you know, dancing alone rather than in the group. The teacher might keep you after class.”

“Oh, I’ll bet the teacher will keep me after class but, after almost getting caught once, I’ve always said no to them.”

Kurt’s mouth dropped. “You’re incredible!”

Sebastian smirked. “I know.”

“That wasn’t meant as a compliment! I just… I just don’t believe you. Just… eww! That’s just… wrong: really, really wrong. It was creepy enough when Rachel, a girl I know in Ohio, had the hots for our Glee teacher, but that’s even worse!” Kurt stopped to think. “Come to think of it… it’s Rachel. Of course it’s creepy. She’s creepy when she’s in love: even creepier than I am and that’s saying something.”

Sebastian leaned in. “Sounds like there’s a story to hear there.”

“Yes, there is, but I’m not telling it.” Kurt primly put the last piece of cake in his mouth, gathered up his tablet with his leftovers and dishes on it and primly started to carry it over to the waste disposal and carts with the trays on them. Even with Sebastian distracting him, Kurt had only managed to eat about half of the stuff he’d put on his plate. Now, he was wishing he hadn’t eaten so much, as his stomach felt too full and he was a little nauseous. The only thing he didn’t regret was the cake. He’d be having that again.

He walked on, completely ignoring Sebastian calling after him. He had better things to do, like lie down or study. He still had a German test coming up the next week. At that thought, he slowed down and let Sebastian catch up to him after taking care of his own dishes.

Kurt turned to him once he heard the footsteps approach and looked him straight in the eyes, which he absently noticed were a really nice shade of green, “I’m going to study for the German test this week. Do you want to join me in the library?”

“Just studying?”

“Just studying.”

“How quaint.”

“Take it or leave it.”

“Studying with another guy is boring, especially when you’re horny. The answer’s ‘no.’”

Kurt huffed. “Okay. I was just trying to help you out, seeing as you said that you couldn’t figure out how to study for a language.”

“I think I’ll try on my own a while still, first. If I still can’t figure it out, then I’ll ask you for help.”

“Fine. Have it your way. Then I’ll study in my room.”

“With your oh-so-wonderful roommates?”

“They’ll probably be in the common rooms by now. I’ll have the room to myself.”

“We could put your room to another use.”

“No. We have a clear understanding: they don’t bring girls in; I don’t bring guys in. Besides, even if we didn’t have that agreement – you’re the last guy I’d let in.” Kurt stormed off.

Sebastian called after him, “Tell me when you change your mind!”

Kurt grumbled to himself, “As if! Change my mind. You stupid, arrogant, self-absorbed, horse-toothed meerkat…”


	5. Chapter 5

### Chapter Four

 

Kurt sat in the window looking out of the train heading to Basel. Urs was seated next to him, Reto vis-à-vis, next to their old roommate, Kevin. Kurt found that Kevin was an interesting guy. He was currently working on his Matura-Arbeit, which was a project all people doing the Swiss Matura had to do. He was doing a project on the language, Romansh, which was only spoken in small patches in the canton, Grisons, they were living in. All of them had completely different dialects, though, and the language was dying a slow painful death, in spite the state’s attempts to support it, so he was working on a dictionary that translated from one dialect to another as well as into German.

 

He explained, “I am from the region. I speak a dialect of Romansh as a mother tongue. I am boarding because there are not any connections that early from the town I grew up in. I go home on most weekends, though, when my parents pick me up. Not on community weekends, though, obviously.”

 

“That must be nice,” Kurt said wistfully.

 

“Do you want to come with? My younger brother and two sisters would love to have someone to play with. I am usually pretty busy with studying when I am there, seeing as I am in my second-to-last year of school. The material, unfortunately, only gets more difficult.”

 

“I guess. My German isn’t very good yet.”

 

“You could practice it. It was very helpful going to England last summer vacation to learn better English. It is not perfect yet, but much better than before. It was helpful hearing only the language. You have to be able to communicate then.”

 

“Sure. I’d love to then, but I’m pretty busy studying, too, so I can’t promise when I’ll have time to come with you. Midterms are coming up, you know.”

 

“Yes, I know. It will help you with your German, though. So, if you want to study for German, you can bring it with and we will help you study it. Is that okay?”

 

“Yeah, sounds good. Thanks.”

 

“It is no problem.” He sighed. “I really must study. I brought several books along that I must read for class.”

 

Kurt waved his hand at him. “That’s okay. Just go ahead. Don’t mind me. I’ll listen to some music, instead. It’s not like Reto or Urs will be any great help.”

 

Kevin looked at the two of them sprawled out in their seats, fast asleep. “No, I do not believe they will be.”

 

Kurt sent him a smile and plugged in his earphones, looking out at the passing landscape again. The two weeks of vacation had gone by similarly to this, most of the time just looking outside as the landscape passed by with the occasional stop at a historically important Swiss site, like the mountain Rütli, where what would one day be the Swiss nation was formed from the alliance of three cantons. They visited the places where it was said that Wilhelm Tell had lived and where he had shot the apple from his son’s head. Kurt found this to be the most impressive thing he did. To be able to shoot true and straight in a situation like that – he figured that even Robin Hood would have been impressed. They’d then watched a stage production of the famous drama by Friedrich Schiller.

 

Still, all through the two weeks, he was utterly alone. All the others on the trip had obviously traveled on these trips before – even if it was a different one each year. They knew each other and had built their cliques. It would have been awkward to try and include him.

 

Admittedly, they had tried to include him and another girl, who was also new to the school, in some of their conversations. She was quickly able to find common ground with them, while Kurt was completely baffled by a lot of the things they were talking about. Obviously, most of them came from money. Some of the things they’d seen and done were just completely beyond his knowledge. How was he supposed to know the history or how the Alps were formed? They never taught that at McKinley. She was quickly caught up, while he lagged behind.

 

Still, he had to give them credit for actually trying, instead of just ignoring the problem. He wished that they had put just a _little_ more effort forwards. It wasn’t like he was being unsociable, it was just that it was difficult to participate in their conversations about things that he’d never seen, experienced or sometimes even known about before. It wasn’t like anyone could have expected a school like McKinley to have much of anything in their history or geography classes about a small place like Switzerland.

 

In the end, he found himself thinking back to Sebastian’s offer more and more often. He wondered what it would actually be like to be held. Maybe he could forget that it was just for sexual release. Maybe he could feel wanted, then. The hole within him just seemed to be growing instead of closing up, like it should have. As time went on, Kurt felt more and more lonely. He felt more and more that he had no one: that he was alone.

 

He knew that this whole thing with Kevin’s family was a bad idea. It would only serve to remind him of what he’d lost. He just hoped it could _also_ remind him of what he could maybe one day have with the man he’d marry. Maybe that would help him in the here and now.

 

Kurt wanted to feel better. He wanted to stop being so sad all the time. He wanted to be over losing his father. He vaguely remembered how, after his mother’s death, he’d been similar. His father had been able to pull him out of his rut, though. He was able to get him to start eating normally again and his appetite had been even worse then – and he hadn’t even tried to eat, like Kurt was doing this time.

 

Kurt wondered if maybe he could use Sebastian to get out of his rut, too. Maybe, with the physical connection, he’d have enough to pull himself out. Then, eventually, he wouldn’t need to get physical anymore. Then he wouldn’t be so lonely anymore. Then he could be free to say goodbye to him. Then he could find someone else to fill his needs.

 

Kurt didn’t honestly know what he would have done, though, if Sebastian had claimed to care for him more than for a warm body. In the end, though, Kurt knew that he wasn’t attractive. No one had ever found him attractive, really. Brittany just wanted to have a perfect record. Even Sebastian didn’t find him hot. If even a guy like Sebastian, who had probably had more partners than Imelda Marcos had pairs of shoes, didn’t want him because of his appearance… Maybe Sebastian was right: maybe he should try this once and make it an exception; maybe this was the closest he would ever get to a happy ending.

 

Kurt took a moment to relax his body, which he had hardly noticed tensing up. He knew that, if he said yes, he’d never be able to go back on it. If he said yes, he would lose that magical first time. He would lose the chance to give it to someone he loved with all his heart and who loved him in return.

 

On the other hand, maybe this was better. If he didn’t love Sebastian, then it wouldn’t destroy him the same way when he left. If he didn’t care for him, maybe, just maybe, he’d stick around and become something regular in Kurt’s life. If Kurt was destined to lose everyone he loved, then he should stick to the people he didn’t love in order to not get hurt again.

 

Kurt looked at his bag with his iPhone in it slightly forlornly. It had been months since he’d heard from any of his old classmates. In the beginning of the summer, Mercedes had written him frequently. Then they’d gone off to various camps and the messages had stopped for a while. When school had started up again, he’d occasionally gotten an update on the newest gossip. She had sent him a picture of the cute, new, blond football player, who was interested in Glee. He’d written back that his hair obviously came out of a bottle and that, if he wasn’t gay, he was definitely bi or metrosexual… but even those occasional updates had died away completely now. The only way he heard any news from her was through Facebook.

 

The only other member of the New Directions that had bothered to keep in touch was Brittany. Things were complicated with her, though, because she didn’t really understand why he had to leave. She was also constantly confusing Switzerland, Sweden and Swaziland. He really liked her. She was sweet and loving. She also was very confusing, though. She was more likely to spend the effort of catching him up to date on the smoking habits of her cat than on what their friends were doing. Eventually, though, she had asked one too many times if he could come and visit and he’d said no once too often, he figured. Santana had written him a nasty message about not contacting Brittany ever again.

 

He knew that it wasn’t exactly his fault, nor was it really their fault. It’s difficult keeping up a friendship with someone you don’t regularly see or talk to. It’s difficult making time to spend chatting with someone who lives in a completely different time zone than you do. In addition to that, Kurt figured that they all had things that were more important to them. He’d be one of the first to admit that New Directions was made up of people who were fairly self-centered and were mostly looking out for number one. Sure, they cared for whoever their relationship of the week was with and sometimes it even lasted a month. If they had to choose between that person and themselves, though, they’d usually pick themselves.

 

In a group like that, it was really no surprise that he’d been left behind once he wasn’t there to jockey for position. He wondered who had filled the gap he’d left or the one Matt had left. Did they ever think about him? Did they ever miss him? What would they say about the situation with Sebastian?

 

Kurt was fairly certain that Noah, Santana and Brittany would be all for it. After all, they were some of the more sexually active members. They wouldn’t see what the big deal about putting it off would be about. Well, actually, Brittany might not actually say anything about it. She might just stray off-topic or talk about her first time. He really didn’t buy the alien invasion story she’d told him while they were dating. Kurt sighed. Those thoughts weren’t helping his mood.

 

Kurt looked outside. In the distance, he could see the snow-tipped peaks of the Alps. They were currently further north, in the so-called Middleland, where there weren’t as many mountains – more like foothills. Underneath the snowline, he could see the green pine trees and, still further underneath, there were splashes of autumn colors: reds, browns, oranges and yellows all mixed together. The sun was sporadically shining through the clouds, highlighting certain parts of the scenery for a few moments and then moving on to another spot. When sunlight struck, the colors stood out even further, giving off a warm feeling.

 

Looking around him, Kurt couldn’t help but admit to himself that Switzerland really was a beautiful country. He saw a few cows and sheep grazing on one of the foothills. He figured that it must be easier having livestock to graze on the steeper pastures. That way, they didn’t have to farm it and harvest their produce by hand. They could just let the grass grow and the livestock graze.

 

Kurt wrinkled his nose as he smelled something outside and saw a truck on the other side of the street spreading its brown fertilizer on the more even farmland. It took him a moment until he realized why it smelled like feces. They must use the waste products from the livestock to fertilize the pants.

 

Kurt’s stomach turned slightly at the thought of what he must have been eating – what with all the vegetables he ate. He took a deep breath, which was slightly difficult due to the ‘smell of Switzerland,’ as he’d quickly dubbed it, and reminded himself that all the produce was thoroughly washed before it was dished up. Besides, it was a far cry better than the chemicals they put on them in the States. In addition to that, the water was better – you could actually drink the stuff out of the tap – and the milk was just to die for.

 

Kurt had never been all that fond of milk before, preferring its soy or skim variations. That was until he’d tried some of the mountain milk. It had a much fuller and creamer taste than the American stuff he’d had. It did have slightly more cream left in it than the American ones generally did, so Kurt tried to avoid drinking it too often. It had become one of his guilty pleasures on this trip, though. During vacation, whenever they’d stop by at one of the various Migros stores along the way, he’d pick up a 330ml bottle of either chocolate or strawberry Heidi milk. Thinking it over, it didn’t actually surprise Kurt that the Swiss were known for their chocolate and cheese – not if this quality of milk was one of the ingredients.

 

They’d also visited a Lindt factory and received a tour through it, with the occasional sample to try. Afterwards, in the store next to it, they’d had lots of chocolate that was offered at lower prices because something small was wrong with it, like some of the filling being visible, or it being a little off-color. All of the students had pigged out and bought way more chocolate than they probably should have.

 

Kurt had picked up some vanilla-almond chocolate, a mix of their Lindor balls that he put together (he carefully steered clear of the ones with alcohol in them, unlike some of the other kids), assorted pralines, some of the special winter-season cinnamon and cardamom chocolates and some of the dark chocolate flavors. He was particularly fond of the orange-flavored dark chocolates that were in extremely fine slices. That way he could pace himself better while still enjoying the chocolate. He’d also gotten some bars that were filled with Crème Brûlée filling, with liquid raspberry syrup and finally some with the same filling as the orange Lindor balls. He’d also quite enjoyed their visit to a Gruyère cheese factory. It had been fascinating, seeing how they went about producing the cheese and hearing all about how they used to do it in the past.

 

At the same time, seeing and trying all these new things made him wish all the more that his father was around to share it with him. He knew that his father would have loved the chocolate factory – even if he wasn’t quite as big of a fan of chocolate as Kurt was. He liked cheese, too, and they’d always heard about how good the cheeses in Switzerland were. They were difficult to get in the States, though, and more expensive. It just wasn’t worth the effort most of the time.

 

Kurt figured that he would receive a request from his grandparents to bring some cheese and chocolate back for them when he went back for Christmas, or something similar. If not, then he probably still would – as gifts. He was definitely bringing some back for the New Directions. Make that a maybe. It depended on how they acted up until then. If they started making more of an effort, then he would, too. He really didn’t want to always be the bigger man with them. He was the one who had lost everything – not them.

 

Kurt closed his eyes for a moment, withdrawinginto himself. It didn’t serve any point to be upset. He should focus on the positive. Certainly, he hadn’t made very many friends in Switzerland. He had, however, made at least two good ones and one friendly acquaintance. He had his two roommates, who had texted with him incessantly during vacation. They’d also sent photos back and forth of whatever they had sen that day that had caught their fancy.

 

Kurt smothered a giggle as he thought about Michi. Since that first day when they’d met, Michi’s English had improved: not that that was difficult. He would still, occasionally, say the most absurd things. After school had finished and the holidays had officially started, Kurt had heard him running down the hall of their dorms yelling, “Fire evening! Yay!”

 

Kurt had paused his packing for the trip and had left the room asking, “What are you yelling about?”

 

“School finish. Vacation start. Fire evening.”

 

“What does ‘fire evening’ have to do with school being out?”

 

Michi had shrugged and said it in German, “Es ist Feierabend. Wir gehen alle heim.”(It’s quitting time. We’re all going home.)

 

Kurt had blinked a few times before it had dawned on him that his acquaintance had once again chosen the next best word that sounded similar to theGerman one. “Well, you don’t say it like that. Why don’t you just stick to ‘it’s time to go home,’ okay?”

 

Michi had then nodded and went off yelling, “Home time!”

 

Kurt smiled slightly. Even if Kurt doubted that Michi would ever get a passing grade in English, he was a fun guy. His English, even if not technically correct, was still extremely entertaining. He was fun to hang out with and an extreme extrovert. He was also in their Shakespeare theater group at school. Kurt would never figure out how he did it but, if something was in German, he could memorize by the next practice. Kurt was still stuck in statist roles, where he didn’t have to say anything, since his accent was just that pronounced. The director had promised him, though, that, if there was an opportunity to include someone with an accent, he’d be the first one to get the role; either that or, if an opportunity came for someone to sing something where it didn’t have to belong to a specific character, he would be first on the list.

 

Still, Kurt didn’t really mind as much as he would have, if he were back in McKinley. It was useful for improving his German and getting rid of his accent, seeing as they did a lot of pronunciation exercises. They also did breathing and improvisation exercises. Come to think of it, they did a lot of similar exercises in the English Theater Group, just that they were all in English and some of them were geared towards helping people for whom English wasn’t their native tongue. Those were a little boring for Kurt.

 

Actually, when it came down to it, Kurt was a little bored in most of his English lessons. He was certain that it was a far cry better than some of the English lessons in the public schools. Still, it wasn’t quite on his level – though it was still better than the lessons at McKinley had been. He’d been even more bored there.

 

Kurt took a deep breath. The vacation was over. It wouldn’t do to keep thinking about it. It wouldn’t do to think about how utterly lonely he’d been. He was better now. He was with his friends now. That’s all that counted, even if they were sleeping and his new acquaintance was busy studying. Maybe, by the end of this trip, he’d be able to count Kevin as one of his friends. Maybe he’d also agree to meeting up with his family then.

 

Kurt looked out the window at the passing scenery and focused on the music playing in his ears. After a while, he felt his eyes starting to drift closed and he didn’t fight it. It was starting to get dark out and it was still about an hour and a half to get to Basel. The last stop had been Pfäffikon, Schwyz. Kevin had mentioned that that town housed one of the larger water parks in Switzerland, including an iodine bath, saunas, massages, lots of waterslides and an inside pool that generated waves every half hour or so. He’d suggested that they make another weekend-trip to the Alpamare, which is what it was called, the following year when it was warmer. Even if it was open all year round, it was more enjoyable when it was warm outside.

 

_ooo_

 

When he drifted off to sleep, Kurt dreamed of the Alpamare and the fun he imagined having there. For some inexplicable reason, though, he found that Sebastian was also there with him. The clearest picture he had of it was of them sitting together in the iodine bath, him leaning up against Sebastian’s chest, who had his arms slung loosely around his waist. When Kevin woke him up, a little over an hour later and a few minutes prior to their arrival in Basel, he didn’t understand why his subconscious had conjured that picture for him. He didn’t want that with Sebastian and, even if he did, the other boy would never – could never – give it to him. Sebastian had said it himself: he wasn’t interested in relationships; he just wanted someone for a booty call. He didn’t want Kurt – he just wanted someone. In the dream, it had felt so nice, though, just to be held like that – as if it were just natural.

 

Kurt shook his head resolutely. He was not going to think about this anymore. He couldn’t agree to Sebastian’s offer. It went against every moral he had. It went against everything his father had raised him to believe. He couldn’t do that to his father’s memory. He had to be the perfect son for him. It was even more important now than when he had been alive. He wouldn’t be able to bear the thought of him being disappointed in him.

 

Kurt rubbed his eyes, taking note that it was now dark out. Still, the city lights lit the place up. It was different for him. He hadn’t really spent all that much time in cities. Even if Basel was a small city in comparison to the rest of the world, it was still more than Kurt was used to. He had to reign himself in not to try to look everywhere at once. Instead, he just followed Urs to catch the tram to the large apartment he and his family lived in.

 

_ooo_

 

Arriving at the apartment, Kurt was a little surprised. It was a new building that was painted a light yellow. He could already see that the architect hadn’t thought past the pretty color, because it was already starting to grey from the pollution and exhaust from the cars. The windows were large. However, it was surrounded by other tall apartment buildings, so all the windows would manage to do would be to bring in a little more light than there would be otherwise – which wasn’t much.

 

As soon as they went in, Urs called out, “Mir sind da! Ich han die Kollege mitgno, von dene ich euch gseit han!” (We’re there! I brought the friends along, whoI told you about.)

 

Kurt heard two sets of footsteps approach quickly. The woman, Kurt assumed she was Urs’ mother, surveyed them. She was dressed in a black, knee-length pencil skirt, white blouse and vest with some type of logo on it that Kurt didn’t recognize. She had long, curly, light brown hair, which was pulled into a clip on the back of her head. Her makeup was tastefully done – nothing quite as obvious and over-the-top as he was used to seeing at McKinley, where some of the girls, unfortunately, had yet to learn how to correctly apply it. She was wearing a sweet vanilla perfume that actually smelled nice and not overwhelming in a way that reminded him of his mother’s lilac perfume. Despite the fact that she looked fairly strict, she had a warm smile and ushered them inside. Like her son, she was wiry. She was pretty in an understated way that one might argue made her even more attractive.

 

Urs’ father, on the other hand, was of a sturdy build, with dark brown hair and a square jaw. He reminded Kurt just the tiniest bit of his own father, if it weren’t for the fact that he had a full head of hair and his body mass was more one of muscle. It was pretty obvious to Kurt that Urs’ father regularly worked out.

 

Urs gestured at Kurt, “Dies isch deKurt. Ich han eu scho viel verzählt vo ihm.“ (This is Kurt. I’ve told you a lot about him.) He turned to Kurt. “This is my mother and my father.”

 

Kurt reached out his hand to shake, but Urs’ mother just pulled him into a light hug kissing his cheeks three times. She spoke in very good English, “Hello Kurt. I’m pleased to meet you. Urs has told us much about you. You can call me Martina.”

 

Urs’ father, on the other hand, gave his hand a firm shake. His English was fairly broken, but understandable. “Pleased to meet you, Kurt. Call me Ueli. I take…” he paused and gestured at the luggage.

 

Kurt smiled at him and helped out, “Luggage. You’ll take our luggage. Thank you.”

 

Martina smiled at him. “Monica is staying at a friend’s place this weekend. So, Kurt, you will share her room with Kevin. Urs and Reto are used to sharing his room. Tomorrow, you will wake up early, have breakfast with us and then head off to the market and fair. We do not expect you back before it’s late, so take your time and have fun. You might wish to do Christmas shopping there, because there are many things there you will not find in normal stores.”

 

Kurt agreed and soon he and Kevin were shown to a fairly girlish room. Luckily, she had a bed big enough that they didn’t have to fight over who got to sleep in it. They quickly got ready for bed and went to sleep, with Kurt hoping that he wouldn’t dream that night.


	6. Chapter 6

### Chapter Five

Kurt awoke the next day to find that the big windows actually did make a huge difference, after all. It was really bright – especially with the sun reflecting off of the façade of glass around the stairwell of the building next to them, thus shining straight into Kurt’s eyes. He wanted to turn away from it, but then saw the clock. It was eight in the morning. That mean it was time to get up. Kurt headed to the bathroom to brush his teeth, take a shower, do his moisturizing routine and style his hair perfectly. By the time he’d finished, the others were starting to wake up.

He grabbed one of his German Literature books, “Nathan der Weise” by Gottholt Ephraim Lessing, and a dictionary and started reading it. Urs had read it for class the beginning of that school year and had recommended it to Kurt. Kurt had already picked up a fairly decent amount of its contents from studying with Urs and Reto and he was intrigued. Unfortunately, it was way above his German level and he had to look up about every forth word, so it was very slow going. However, Kurt didn’t let that discourage him. Instead, he used it to improve his German. It was an interesting book, though. Kurt hadn’t read the part with the Ring Parable yet, but he remembered it from helping Urs study. He didn’t believe in religion, but even he could see how you couldn’t really say which religion was the right one. The likening of the three monotheistic religions to rings, which bring the blessing of God – the fact that no one could tell the rings apart to see which one was the true one – it made him think. He likened his atheism to the belief that none of the rings bore any power other than that which the bearer gave them.

A short while later, Kurt heard Martina in the kitchen and went to ask her if there was anything he could do to help her.

Martina shook her head, “No. You are a guest. I don’t have much to do, so go back to what you were doing.”

“I really don’t mind helping.”

Martina rolled her eyes. “If you insist, you may cut the Zopf on the table there.” She gestured towards the kitchen table that had a braided loaf of bread on it on a cutting board with a bread knife next to it. She went back to taking the sliced meat out of its containers and laying it out on a plate in an attractive manner. Kurt also noted that there were several eggs in some sort dish for steaming them in.

Martina looked at it and yelped. “Oh, sorry, I forgot to ask how you like your eggs. I know everyone else’s preference.”

Kurt smiled at her. “That’s okay. I like them hardboiled.”

She nodded.  “Okay, then I’ll let them stay in a little longer than the other ones.”

Kurt asked, “So, what do you do?”

“I do a lot of things, but mostly I work, cook, play tennis and draw.”

Kurt nodded then specified his actual question, “What do you work as?”

“I’m a flight attendant. I fly out from the airport here in Basel.”

“And your husband?”

“He works for the SBB as a train driver. He comes from old money, so he was able to follow his hobby and do what he loves doing most – driving trains, and we can still afford to send our children to the best schools. Monica wants to do an apprenticeship though. She’s currently looking for one as a polytechnician. If that doesn’t work, she wants to be an architectural draftsman.”

Kurt blinked and paused a moment in cutting the bread, having never heard of those professions before. Still there was something even more immediate that he wanted to know, “You really don’t mind her doing an apprenticeship? Don’t you want her to go to university?”

“Well, we wouldn’t mind it, but this way she’ll start earning money when she’s sixteen and will grow up faster. If she decides later on to study, then she still can.”

“Wait, you mean she doesn’t finish high school first?”

Martina shook her head. “Our school system in Switzerland works differently than in the States. Eight years of school are mandatory. The ninth can be skipped, if you already have an apprenticeship. The tenth is completely voluntary. You can go to the equivalent of high school, but you have to pass a test to get in and constantly get good grades in order to stay in. Of those people, only some actually go on to study in a university or college. Some take on an apprenticeship instead. The system works, though. It gives the younger generation a chance to learn on the job and, when they finish, they already have work experience, so it’s easier for them to find a job. The people hiring them, on the other hand, know that they’re at least passable at the trade they learned or they wouldn’t have passed the rigorous tests to get their license.”

Kurt blinked. “Okay?”

Martina winked at him. “How about I make a diagram for you after breakfast? Then you can study that and ask, if you have any more questions.”

Kurt nodded and they went back to getting breakfast ready for everyone. He took note of a few ready-made Birchermüesli containers she pulled out of the fridge.

She smiled at him. “Urs told us you really like Birchermüesli, so I got some specifically for you. It’s my favorite brand. It isn’t as good as freshly made, of course, but I just got back a little before you arrived here, so I didn’t have time to make it last night so it would be ready this morning.”

“That’s okay. Thanks. I’m sure I’ll still enjoy it.”

“I did get some fresh fruit to put in, though. The store-bought ones sometimes have apples in there, but no grapes, and it really isn’t the same without grapes.”

“You didn’t have to…”

“I wanted to. Besides, it’s rare that foreigners take a liking to Birchermüesli. They usually stick to the more famous stuff like fondue, chocolate and cheese. Occasionally, they hear about and try Raclette. That’s something you should try when you’re at the market today. Try to get the Raclette on potatoes. It’s better than on bread.”

“What is Raclette?”

“It’s a type of half-hard cheese that you melt and then you pour the melted cheese on the bread or potatoes. On top of that, you put some spices and, on the side, you have pickles and a type of pickled onions called Silberzwiebeln. It’s really good and very traditional.”

Kurt smiled. “I’ll have to try it, then. It sounds good.”

“Urs can probably show you the best stand to get it at. Also, the gebrannte Mandeln are very good and you should try the Magenbrot. You can trust your nose with which one to get with that one. In the end, you have to decide what to get, though. It’s your money.”

“I don’t really want to spend a lot.”

“Then set a maximum to spend. Make sure to have it in cash, as a lot of stands don’t accept debit cards. We’ve given Urs some money to buy food for you, so you don’t have to worry about that.”

Kurt protested, “You don’t have to…”

“But we want to, so let us. We also told him to introduce you to the traditional food here. You must come back for Fasnacht, though. You can’t miss that. Basel is famous for it.”

“Fasnacht?” Kurt asked.

Martina paused. “Carnival with getting dressed up, like you have on Halloween. It officially starts on November eleventh at eleven eleven in the morning. Then it looks like nothing happens until February. Then there are parades where they throw sweets and stuff into the crowd watching. It’s a lot of fun.”

Kurt nodded. “Sounds like it. I’ll have to talk to Urs about it, though. I’m not sure what we have going on at school, then. I’m signed up for all the trips that take place during vacation, too, so I might be tied up with those.”

“I’ll talk to him, too. Now, if you’ve finished cutting the bread, you can help me carry things out to the living room table.”

Kurt happily helped her carry out the plates with neatly folded pieces of meat, the bread, jams, Nutella, butter, eggs, fruits and Birchermüesli. Then they called everyone else over for breakfast.

***

Kurt looked around him in astonishment. Looking at some of the rides, he wondered how they could be safe when they were apparently taken apart and put together so quickly and yet, he could see that they really weren’t falling apart, even at their velocity. Even looking at most of them, he felt nauseous. Unfortunately, this was not a feeling that his companions seemed to understand. Urs passed out motion sickness pills for everyone to take, just in case. They took them and got in line for a ride called Chaos, which swung back and forth like a pendulum, while going in circles. Kurt tried to negotiate his way out, but failed. Finally, he gave up.

It was then that he heard two girls speaking English to each other. One was wearing a full, knee-length skirt that was checkered in white, pink and orange, with white leggings and a light-colored top. Her black boots stuck out like a sore thumb. However, she seemed to notice this and was talking to her friend about buying a new pair that fit her outfit better. She had long, curly brown hair with blond highlights in it and she was a little chubby.

Her friend, on the other hand, was of a similar weight to Mercedes, but with a much less interesting outfit: with black dress pants, black shoes with a slight heal to them and a long-sleeved black top. Her reaction to the first girl wanting to buy shoes that fit her outfit better pretty much explained that. She finally agreed, though. Kurt decided to help them. Buying shoes seemed much more preferable to going on rides.

He nudged Urs and spoke above the loud music, “There’s some girls there who need some help buying shoes. I’m going to help them. I’ll contact you once we’re finished, okay?”

“No! You are supposed to ride with us!”

“I’m honestly more interested in shoe shopping. I’ll catch you later. At least you haven’t bought the tickets yet.”

“I guess. I will see you later.”

“Get all of the rides out of the way before I rejoin you.”

Kurt looked around to see the two girls still debating if they were going to go shoe shopping or not. The one who didn’t was saying, “Why don’t you go buy them as a reward for getting to fifty K?”

“But what if that means that I miss out on the perfect shoes for my outfit? I want a pair of light-colored boots. I don’t think that that’s unreasonable.”

Kurt sidled up to them and added, “I have to agree with you. You really shouldn’t be wearing those black boots with that outfit. They really don’t fit.”

She sighed. “I know, but they’re all I had and I wanted to wear boots. It was either these or dark brown suede boots or tennis shoes. None of them fit the outfit.”

“You need an expert’s help then, dear.”

“I’d love to have help! I’m on a tight budget, because I’m an apprentice, so we’ll be going to the inexpensive places. I really don’t want to spend more than forty or fifty franks on them and, if I look at any of the more upscale places, it’ll easily be over a hundred. I’m Maya, by the way.” She gestured to her friend. “And this is Sarah. We met last year doing NaNoWriMo. Do you know what that is?”

Kurt blinked. “Uh, no, not really.”

“Basically you try to write a novel in a month. Most people produce utter garbage, but there’s a few people who have gone on to publish their stuff.”

Sarah cleared her throat, “Actually, most of the participants don’t write a single word, Maya. If you just write one word and update your bar with it during November, you’re ahead of most of the participants.”

Maya sighed. “It isn’t even all that difficult to write that much. Last year I…”

“Totally overshot your needed wordcount, despite being extremely active in the procrastination thread and our regional forum. I know. I was there, remember?”

“I wasn’t talking to you, Sarah.” She looked at Kurt. “So, what’s your name? What are you doing here in Basel? We’re doing our last-minute-of-fun-before-NaNo-starts meet, also known as our pre-NaNo meet. Unfortunately, we’re the only ones who showed up. On the positive side, though, that means that we don’t have to go on any rides.”

Kurt laughed slightly. “I’m Kurt. I’m here with a few schoolmates, one of which comes from here. He invited me to come along to see the Herbstmesse.”

Maya clapped her hands gleefully. “So, where are you from?”

“I go to school in Zuoz in the canton Grisons.”

Maya pondered, “Grissons… Grissons…” She turned to Sarah. “Which canton is that again?”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “How am I supposed to know? Are you the American or am I?”

“I am. But I still don’t know all the English names for the cantons. Do you know?” she turned to Kurt.

Kurt said, “Graubünden, I think.”

“Oh, okay, now I know where you are going to school at least. Well, kinda. Are you interested in doing NaNoWriMo with us? It’s a lot of fun.”

Kurt shook his head, an eyebrow raised at the eccentric girl. “Uh, no. I’m busy with school stuff.”

Maya sighed and nodded. “Yeah, I had to stop NaNo after my first attempt because I was too busy with school. Now it’s not so much of a problem anymore, though. I have more time to write and I’m faster at it, too. Oh, wait a moment; I actually wanted to know whereabouts you’re from in the States. I’m from Minnesota, myself.”

Kurt replied, “I’m from Ohio.”

“Awesome! It’s so rare to meet a fellow American. So, if I hear one speaking, or anyone speaking English really, I tend to strike up a conversation with them. Anyway.” She turned to look at Sarah. “Where’s the nearest Dosenbach or some other inexpensive shoe store you know of?”

Sarah rolled her eyes. “Follow me, dork.”

“You know you love me.” Maya fluttered her eyelids at Sarah.

“Knock it off. You know that doesn’t work on me. You’re not my type.”

“I know. You’re not mine either. We’ve had this conversation before.”

Sarah turned to Kurt. “Now, just to make sure. My gaydar is going off like crazy around you. You are gay, aren’t you? You are not just interested in propositioning Maya? Because, believe me, she will not get it. She’s completely oblivious to things like that. You could go up and flirt with her and she’d just happily talk back and not even realize you were flirting with her. Believe me. I’ve seen it happen.”

Maya sniffed and pretended to be insulted. “I’m not that bad. I just don’t find guys attractive. At all.”

“Then you aren’t bi. If you were, then you would find men attractive. You’re a lesbian.”

“But… I’ve dated guys and I liked them…”

“Did you actually find them attractive?”

“Only their personalities…”

“Then you’re a lesbian. Accept it. Anyways, we’re not talking about you here. Kurt, wasn’t it?” She turned back to Kurt. “You are gay, aren’t you?”

Kurt nodded. “Yes, I am.”

“Good. Then we’re representing LGB. Maybe we can pick up a transsexual along the way, too.”

Maya offered, “I know one in Zürich.”

Sarah gave her a pointed look then turned back to Kurt. “As I said, maybe we’ll pick up one along the way. Let’s keep our eyes peeled.”

Maya commented, “It’s pretty easy to figure out if it’s a guy wearing women’s clothes. They aren’t attractive.”

Sarah snorted and commented, “Yep: as I said, one hundred percent lesbian. Still getting her feet wet following the Nile.”

Kurt snorted. “Are you sure you guys aren’t interested in each other? I mean, the way you two go at it…”

Maya shrugged. “I like cuddling with her, too, but she’s just a friend. My best friend, mind you, but still just a friend.”

Sarah shrugged, “The only thing I find attractive about her is her rack. Even if we were both interested in each other, it wouldn’t ever work. She’s too innocent and a nice optimist, while I’m too much of a sarcastic, world-wise realist. So, no, we are not going there: not now; not ever.”

Maya nodded. “We have talked about this. She likes cats and I’m allergic. She has a kid, I’m still a virgin… well, mostly.” She winced and shared a meaningful look with Sarah. “In all the ways that count, though, I am. I believe in waiting.”

Sarah crossed her arms. “You don’t get anything out of waiting. Your partners just get older and more experienced than you. It ends up with them being disappointed with you in bed and seeking greener pastures.”

“Either that or they teach me about how to pleasure someone. Then we’d be in love and having a good time. Besides, I’m not quite as reserved when it comes to girls.”

“That’s because, as I’ve been telling you the entire time, you are a lesbian. You don’t find guys attractive. Why would you want to sleep with one, then?”

Kurt was watching the proverbial verbal ping-pong game between the two of them. He wondered what he’d gotten himself into by agreeing to help pick out shoes with them. He’d be the first to admit that it was hysterically funny, though. They were fairly odd characters: both of them. They were entertaining, though. He watched Maya see a stand that was offering some type of cheese food and want to try it, while Sarah told her that they were going shoe shopping now and that they didn’t need to buy something that smelled and tasted as awful as cheese. Yes, they were definitely entertaining, even if he couldn’t make heads or tails of them most of the time.

Maya was nattering on about how she couldn’t understand how someone Swiss could dislike cheese. Kurt was inclined to agree, but stayed silent.

In the end, they couldn’t find any boots that fit Maya well and that worked with the outfit. However, they were able to find better boots than the ones she had that were really cool. They came up slightly below the knee, were a medium gray with some studs on a strap that went over the front and a chain that hung down in back. Maya was utterly enthralled by them and, true to her word, the store, Dosenbach, really wasn’t that expensive in comparison to most of the places that Kurt had seen in Switzerland. It was a lot more expensive than what he was used to seeing in the States, though. He figured he’d never get used to that.

After looking for shoes, Maya tried to rope him into clothes shopping, but Sarah put her foot down, complaining about her knees and feet and old age, so Kurt contacted Urs and met up with him again. They ended up sticking with the girls.

Kurt got a kick out of watching Kevin trying to flirt with Maya, only for her to be completely oblivious to it and run off to a stand that looked interesting. Finally, Sarah put him out of his misery and told him exactly how old Maya was, twenty-three, and that she was a lesbian who hadn’t quite figured out the difference between being bisexual and homosexual. He gave up fairly quickly after that. Kurt, on the other hand, had to keep answering questions about whether something looked good on Maya or not and if he thought she should get it. Then she’d still make her own decision, completely ignoring his input. She also made sure to exchange telephone numbers with him. He was slightly amused to note that she hadn’t switched to a smartphone yet and instead still had an old, Sony Ericson phone that was several years outdated – as a matter of fact, it was one of the first models to have a built-in mp3 player.

After promising to meet up with her if he were ever in the area of Zürich, she’d bounded off with Sarah to catch the train home, chattering happily about the NaNo meeting in Bern the next day.

They all watched them go, slightly dazed. Kevin commented, “She was cute.”

Kurt cocked an eyebrow and turned an incredulous look at him. “She was insane. That’s what she was… and hyper. Never ever let her drink coffee.”

Urs commented, “Well, she was entertaining. Are all Americans that chatty?”

Kurt raised an eyebrow to look at him.

Urs quickly amended, “I guess not. “

Reto commented, “She mentioned that her dad died a few years ago. Maybe you guys could talk about that. Maybe it would help you connect.”

Kurt’s gaze turned icy. “I don’t need that to connect to someone. As a matter of fact, I’d prefer if I didn’t. Undoubtedly, she has a completely different coping system than I do, so I can’t use hers, so why even bother talking about it? I’m sure most of her texts will be completely different than what we were talking about. Knowing her, she might just send me pictures of outfits to get my input. She definitely is not what you’d expect from a lesbian.”

Kevin nodded. “If her friend hadn’t told me, I wouldn’t have known. At the most, I would have expected her to be bisexual.”

“Well, apparently, she hasn’t quite figured out that not being attracted to guys means that she’s a lesbian. I’m not quite sure how she can’t connect the two facts, but whatever.”

Reto snorted, “I thought the funniest part of the evening was when the two of them were ordering food and the vendor talked to Sarah in English and Maya automatically switched to German to speak with him.”

Urs nodded. “Talk about a verkehrte Welt…” he hesitated, “eh… an upside down world? It was funny how they spoke to the Swiss girl in English and the American in German.”

Kurt sighed, “I’d like to be able to speak German like Maya can.”

Kevin clapped him on the shoulder. “Do not worry about it. Maya mentioned to me that she has been speaking the language since she was six.”

Kurt asked, “When did she tell you that?”

“When I complimented her German to try and flirt with her. Like all the other times, she did not notice my flirting.”

Kurt snickered, “Definitely a lesbian and just like Sarah said – utterly oblivious.”

Urs said, “We still have to try some foods. Now Sarah is not around to complain about the cheese.”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Lead on, McDuff.”

“That is not my name.”

Kurt laughed. “Whatever. Go read some Shakespeare. Lead on and we’ll follow.”

Reto asked, “So, can we get you to go on some rides tomorrow?”

Kurt gulped. “No way in heck. I am not getting on any rides. I don’t want to throw up.”

Reto commented, “But that’s what the motion sickness pills are for.”

Kurt shook his head vehemently. “I don’t want to ride in anything that looks that dangerous. I don’t want to die before I get my first Tony.” He paused for a moment. “Oh, god, I sound like Rachel…”

Kevin asked, “Who’s Rachel?”

Kurt replied, “A friend from my old school. She liked to hog the spotlight and would go on and on about how she’s going to be a big Broadway star and will win loads of Tonys, etcetera etcetera. She was really annoying most of the time. Occasionally, she’d be a cool person, but that was pretty rare. She was proud about having two dads, though.”

Kevin raised an eyebrow. “So, I take it it’s bad to sound like her?”

Kurt nodded. “Yes. It’s very bad. I don’t want to end up like her. Never ever in my life. Kill me before I do.”

Reto teased, “But I thought you wanted to win a Tony first.”

Kurt scowled and crossed his arms. “You’re annoying, do you know that?”

Reto quipped, “Yes, I know.”

The others burst out laughing, soon being followed by the others in the group.

Kurt changed the subject. “Okay, now, about that food…”

Urs replied, “I know just the places you have to try and, today, you are not going to watch your waist. You’re too slender, anyways.”

Kurt shook his head. “I’m not. I’m just careful about what I eat and I do make an effort to never miss a meal.”

Reto replied, “That doesn’t mean much when you only eat salad and mostly pick at that until you force it down your throat.”

“I eat other things, too. On that day I told you guys about my… situation… I ate with Sebastian, who’s in my parallel class, and he piled all sorts of stuff on my plate. Too much to actually finish, but I really did enjoy the quark cake he introduced me to.”

Kevin frowned. “Sebastian, huh? What’s his last name again?”

“Smythe. Sebastian Smythe.”

Kevin suddenly looked very serious. “I’ve heard some stuff about him. Stay away from that kid. He’ll only hurt you.”

Kurt frowned at him. “I’ve heard all sorts of rumors about him too. He set them straight. I know he’s an ass, but he’s entertaining. Besides, how many friends does he actually have? Shouldn’t at least someone befriend him?”

Kevin shook his head. “Let someone else do it. Let him find a female friend or a straight male friend. Do not put yourself out for him. He is just going to hurt you. Trust me.”

Kurt snapped, “I can take care of myself, thank you very much.”

Kevin held up his hands in surrender. “Sorry. Just trying to help.”

“At least he’s straight-forward and tells people what he wants from the get-go. He’s honest and doesn’t try to hide the fact that he’s a selfish, stuck-up, sex-crazed idiot. It’s kinda nice to have someone to verbally spar with in English, though, and even if he only wants me for booty calls –” Kurt’s voice grew softer as he looked away from the group, “at least he wants me.”

The other boys’ faces all dropped. Kevin sighed and whispered sympathetically, “Oh, Kurt…” before he pulled him into a warm hug.

Kurt reined in the tears that wanted to fall at that moment. “It’s just… no one has ever wanted me like that before. He’s the first guy to ever be interested in me.”

Kevin muttered softly to Kurt, “You don’t need someone like that, Kurt. You need someone who will love you and treat you like you’re the center of their world.”

Kurt shoved away from him angrily. “And where the heck am I supposed to find that? Name someone, anyone, who’s interested. Sarah was saying earlier that it’s better not to wait. The only thing that’ll happen is that I grow to be an old virgin without any experience and, once I do get a boyfriend, I’ll just be a disappointment!”

Kevin spluttered, “What? That’s nonsense! Why the heck was she telling that to you?”

“She wasn’t. She was telling it to Maya.”

Urs rolled his eyes. “I hate to tell you, Kurt, but that’s the way their relationship is. You saw it yourself. They poke fun at each other using anything they can, all the time. Maya knows not to take stuff like that seriously from Sarah.”

Kurt frowned. “It’s still true…”

Kevin physically grabbed Kurt’s head and turned it so Kurt had to look at him. “No, it is not. Any guy who breaks up with you like that sure as heck was not worth it.”

“But then I’d still have wasted my first time. Why not go to someone who knows what he’s doing?”

Kevin rolled his eyes and said sarcastically, “Well in that case, all of us should have had our first times with whores, right? We would pay them for it and get taught the mechanics from them. Then we would know what we are doing and we would not disappoint our partners, right?”

Kurt tried to escape Kevin’s grip, but failed.

Kevin demanded, “I asked if I am right!”

Kurt sobbed. “No… yes… I don’t know! Leave me alone!”

Kevin replied, “No! I am older than you. Someone has to knock some sense into you!”

“I don’t know what to do!”

“Do not agree to whatever he asked of you!”

“But…” Kurt sniffled.

“You do not know what to do. I am telling you what to do. Do not sleep with him.”

Kurt shook his head. “You can’t control me!”

“I am trying to help you! Can you not understand that?”

“It’s my decision!”

Urs added his bit, “You cannot have him in our room.”

Kurt nodded. “I know. We… our agreement…”

Reto added, “You have to be back at a reasonable time every night, or we will tell on you, and you must not do anything on school nights.”

Kurt nodded again. “I wouldn’t…”

Kevin commented, “You will regret it, if you decide to go through with this.”

Kurt retorted, “How do you know that I won’t regret it, if I say no again?”

Kevin groaned in frustration. “There is no way you will not regret it. You are going into it for all the wrong reasons!”

Kurt glared at him, the tear tracks and splotchy face drawing away from its intensity. “I’ll make my own mistakes, then. You stay out of it.”

“At least give it time before you make a decision. Do not agree before you have spent more time with him.”

Kurt nodded. “Okay.”

Kevin sighed in relief. “At least that is something.”

“Just don’t try to control me. I don’t like it.”

Reto piped up, “We noticed.”

Urs cut in, “So, we were going to get food, right?”

Kurt nodded. He pulled out a wet towelette and wiped his face off with it before trotting after the others in the direction of the food, glad that they’d been mostly ignored by the passing strangers.


	7. Chapter 7

### Chapter Six

 

The week after returning to Zuoz, Kurt noticed a lack of a certain meerkat-faced acquaintance of his. He’d seen him briefly in passing in their German, French, English and Jazz dance the previous week, so he knew that he hadn’t mysteriously disappeared during fall vacation. When he didn’t show up for another week after that, Kurt started to get a little bit worried about him, but quickly shut down that thought as soon as it appeared. After all, why should he care about Sebastian? It wasn’t like it would be mutual, after all.

 

Still, he was relieved when he saw him again in the third week. He looked a little thinner and had bags under his eyes. It didn’t take long to deduce that he’d been sick. It was not like that was all too surprising, seeing as it was flu season and Kurt had heard of a stomach flu going around Grosshaus. Luckily, it hadn’t spread to any of the other dorms, yet. Kurt hoped that it remained that way.

 

Still, he lagged hopelessly behind in Jazz Dance. There was no way the teacher could help him get caught up at the same time she was teaching the rest of the class. Kurt understood that. Still, he didn’t understand why he had to be the one to teach Sebastian the stuff they’d learned while he’d been sick. She’d even provided them with the room after class.

 

Unfortunately, Kurt had never been good at saying no to a nice teacher who asked him for help, so he’d reluctantly agreed.

 

Now Kurt really regretted that.

 

Sebastian quipped, “You know, these outfits leave absolutely nothing to the imagination. Trust me, you have nothing to be ashamed of. I’d just like to see you in a little less, still. I’d like to see those muscles that I see hinted at now. You work out?”

 

Kurt nodded. “Yes, I do. Now try to follow my movement. Remember, when we’re finished with this, we’ll have to learn how to do it in sync. Are you watching me? I’ll show you how to do it again.”

 

Sebastian smirked. “Oh, I’m watching alright. I’m watching that ass of yours move as the fabric clings to it just so and I’m thinking about worshiping it without any clothes in the way.”

 

Kurt blushed. “Stop that! We’re supposed to be practicing.”

 

“I’d love to do a different kind of practice with you, princess.”

 

Kurt interrupted the routine to stomp his foot and yell, “I’m not a princess! I’m a guy!”

 

Sebastian smirked, obviously lowering his gaze then raising it again. “Oh, believe me, I know that. Still, you act like a prissy princess, so that’s what I’ll call you until I get any evidence to the contrary.”

 

Kurt huffed. “I hate you.”

 

Sebastian smirked. “I’ve heard that hate sex is supposed to be awesome.”

 

“You’re incorrigible!”

 

Sebastian answered smugly, “I know.”

 

Kurt let out a scream of frustration. “Ah! Why oh why did I have to agree to help you catch up?”

 

Sebastian raised his eyebrows. “You don’t see me complaining.”

 

Kurt grumbled, “You wouldn’t. I’m sure it fits right into your plans. You know, if I didn’t know better, I’d almost think that you set this up, but you can’t fake being sick for two weeks or how much weight you’ve lost.”

 

Sebastian shrugged. “I’ll get it back. I’m not worried. It’s cute that you are, though.”

 

Kurt huffed again. “Let’s get back to work. I still have to study.”

 

Sebastian retorted, “Yes, princess.”

 

Kurt gritted his teeth to hold back his comment and just said, “Okay, so you raise your arms like this,” he held his right arm above his head and his left arm out straight, “and don’t forget to make them tense. Then you take one step forwards. Take another step and drop your arms.”

 

Sebastian finally complied with Kurt, making an awkward attempt to follow what he was being told to do.

 

Kurt sighed. “This is going to take work.” He reached out to touch Sebastian. “Let’s try this again. Add more tension. Remember, some parts of Jazz dance were inspired by ballet. You need to keep the tension obvious in your entire body. Now move with me.”

 

Kurt guided him from one position to the next, soft touches correcting him over and over until Sebastian finally managed to get it right. They went through the routine several times before Kurt let Sebastian do it on his own again and watched him nail it.

 

A moment later, Kurt’s eyes grew wide as he felt a pair of slightly chapped lips on his own. He hadn’t been expecting this. Still, even as Sebastian pushed against him until he ended up pressed to the wall, he couldn’t quite draw forth the desire to push him away. Sebastian was intoxicating. He was also one heck of a good kisser.

 

Kurt found his eyes drifting closed. Sebastian nipped at his lip and he gasped, letting the other boy’s tongue into his mouth. Sebastian went slow, sensually drifting against his tongue, letting all the nerve endings there explode with the contact. Kurt had always expected his first real kiss to be wet and awkward. This wasn’t, though. He could only describe this as being really hot.

 

As Sebastian pushed him up further against the wall, he felt something stir in him. Then he felt Sebastian’s hard member pressing against his own and he saw stars. A moment later, his brain caught up with his hormones and he pushed Sebastian away. He blinked at him, wide-eyed, and ran. He went to the changing room, grabbed his stuff and changed his shoes, only halfway remembering to throw his jacket on. He ran to his dorms, glad to find that his roommates currently weren’t there. Looking at the clock, he realized that it was suppertime. He sighed in relief as he changed clothes.

 

He sat down on his bed and gulped. He was utterly freaked out. He hadn’t ever experienced something like that before and yet… it had felt good. It had felt _really_ good and he’d felt taken care of. He’d felt cared for. He’d felt secure. He didn’t know why. He didn’t understand it, but he liked the feeling of being held. He liked the feeling of Sebastian’s mouth against his own. He had liked the presence of Sebastian’s member pressed against his own. He couldn’t deny that.

 

At the same time, it scared him half to death for exactly those reasons. He’d promised to get to know Sebastian better before making a decision. He knew that Sebastian was a dick. The better he got to know him, the better he knew that. Still, why couldn’t he say no? Why hadn’t he pushed Sebastian away from the get-go?

 

Kurt knew that he should eat. He knew he should go to the cafeteria and get something to eat. He also knew that, at this moment, he wouldn’t be able to keep anything down. He was so confused… and he was hard just thinking about what had passed. He didn’t understand this. Why did his body betray him like this?

 

Then again, maybe his body wasn’t betraying him at all. Maybe it was just telling him what he should have known all along. Maybe he should give Sebastian a chance. After all, it couldn’t be all that bad, if it had felt so good, could it? Just once wouldn’t hurt, would it? They didn’t have to go all the way, did they? Maybe, if he didn’t go all the way with Sebastian, it wouldn’t count as his first time. Then he could still reserve that first time for someone special. He’d still get experience, though, so it wouldn’t be a total waste and Sebastian would stop bugging him.

 

Or maybe he should just go all the way. It wasn’t like it really mattered. He probably wouldn’t find anyone else, anyways, and he wanted to know what it was like. He was certain that he would at least be able to enjoy it that way, since Sebastian was fairly experienced.

 

Kurt bit his lip. Could he really do that, though? Could he become a booty call for Sebastian? Did he really want to downgrade himself to that? Did he really want to stoop to that level?

 

Kurt recalled the feeling of being held so securely. He remembered the feeling that he was the center of Sebastian’s world, of being wanted. He had felt how much Sebastian had wanted him. He liked the feeling. He wanted to feel it again; didn’t he?

 

Kurt wondered if there actually was any guy out there who wouldn’t jump at an opportunity like this. Most of the guys he’d known at McKinley had already been sexually active. Santana and Brittany had slept with most of the jocks and good-looking non-jocks in the school. They wouldn’t do that, if there was nothing to it. Most of the guys he’d meet later on in life would probably have experiences like that, too. They’d look down on him for still being a virgin.

 

Kurt still remembered how his body had tingled and how, for just a second, all he’d wanted was more. His brain had shut up and he’d just felt. He’d been able to forget the pain in his heart for a moment. If nothing else, he wanted that back. He wanted the pain to go away. He didn’t want to hurt anymore… but he also didn’t want to be a slave to the whims of someone else. Kurt felt nauseous. He didn’t know what to do anymore. It felt good. It felt really good. He hadn’t said no this time and Sebastian had let him go without chasing him. His stomach churned further and he rushed to the bathroom and vomited.

 

He was still throwing up when Urs and Reto entered. Reto rubbed his back, while Urs got him a cup of water to rinse his mouth out with and prepared his toothbrush for him to brush his teeth and get rid of the awful taste. Following that, they brought him to the Medical Centre to be taken care of. Due to the stomach flu going around, the nurse didn’t ask a lot of questions after hearing that Kurt was throwing up and quickly gave him a bed and put him to sleep with some anti-nausea and sleeping pills.

 

***

 

The next day, Kurt found that he actually still did feel sick and joined the others in the room throwing up at random intervals. When he wasn’t sleeping or throwing up, one of the nurses told him that Urs and Reto had stopped by to see how he was doing.

 

Later that day, he was a little surprised to wake up to see Sebastian sitting next to his bed. Kurt asked, “What are you doing here?”

 

Sebastian smirked, “They let me in because I’ve already had this bug. It’s nasty. Believe me.”

 

Kurt blinked heavily. “No. Why are you here?”

 

Sebastian bit his lip. “Well, you see…” he sighed, “I don’t really do this. There’s a reason for that, but I guess… I just wanted to apologize. Not for getting you sick, seeing as you already have to have gotten it while I was in here. I guess… I just wanted to say sorry for taking advantage of you. I know you’ve said no and normally I could hold myself back, but you were just touching me so much and I was so freaking horny – I lost control and I’m sorry. I didn’t want to force you into anything.”

 

Kurt blushed. “Uh, thanks, I guess… but I didn’t exactly push you away. You can’t take all the blame.”

 

“But I pushed you further than you were comfortable with. I promise, I won’t do that again. Anything I do at all, you have to say yes to. I’m no rapist, you got that? I… I wouldn’t do that. Ever. And… I have to admit… I scared myself there. I’ve never been so out of control before and you’re so tiny. I know I could force you, if I wanted, but I don’t. You have to believe me.” Sebastian looked Kurt in the eye. He looked vulnerable.

 

At that moment, Kurt’s decision was made. At that moment, Kurt found that there was no other decision to be made. He swallowed. “It’s okay, Sebastian. I… I kind of liked it. You made me feel good.”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes as he fell back into his cocky persona. “Well, duh! This is me we’re talking about.”

 

Kurt said, “You know, I don’t think I want to fall in love.” Kurt didn’t want to lose anyone he loved again. He knew that now. He’d lost his father. He’d lost his friends. No more! He didn’t want to lose anyone else he cared for. This would let him feel better, though. “Even if I fell in love, I’m sure it wouldn’t be with you.”

 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? I’ll have you know that the reason I mostly do one-night-stands is so that none of the guys get clingy. If I let it go on longer than that, they have a tendency to fall in love with me.”

 

“I know that I’d never love you because I know myself. You’re not my type.” Despite his harsh words, Kurt could feel some type of feeling growing within him, that he didn’t want. He began to sing,

_“But somehow I can see_

_Just exactly how I’d be –_

_“If I loved you,_

_Time and again I would try to say_

_All I’d want you to know._

_If I loved you,_

_Words wouldn’t come in an easy way_

_Round in circles I’d go!_

_Longin’ to tell you,_

_But afraid and shy,_

_I’d let my golden chances pass me by!_

_Soon you’d leave me:_

_Off you would go in the mist of day,_

_Never, ever to know how I loved you,_

_If I loved you.”_

 

Sebastian inserted, “But you don’t love me, and you never will, so how could you know?”

 

Kurt shrugged as he stopped singing the song from Carousel. “Because I’ve had crushes before. I know how I act when I have a crush on someone, let alone am in love with someone. Trust me. You never have to be worried about me falling in love with you. You’re an ass. The only people I’ve ever had feelings for were nice to me.”

 

“So, does that mean that you have a crush on your roommates then? Or aren’t they nice to you?”

 

“Well, yeah, they are, but…”

 

“So if someone only has to be nice to get into your pants, why hasn’t anyone ever done it before?”

 

“Sebastian!” Kurt squeaked.

 

“Tell you what. I’ll treat you to dinner this Saturday. I’ll show you what a charming guy I can be. Then we’ll go back to my room and I’ll show you what a real guy is like in bed. You won’t ever want another guy after I’m finished with you.”

 

Kurt gave him a haughty look. “You’ll be the first. How do you know that someone down the line won’t be better? How do you know that I won’t eventually find someone better than you in bed? You’d have to make sure that you’re the only person I ever sleep with to ensure that you’re the best I’ll ever sleep with.”

 

Sebastian frowned. “Don’t try to rope me into being in a relationship with you.”

 

Kurt glared at him. “You listen here, Sebastian. If we’re doing this, then we’re doing it right. You will tell people that we’re dating. I will not have my reputation ruined by people talking about how we’re just sleeping together. To the rest of the world, we’ll officially be dating.”

 

Sebastian opened his mouth to protest, but Kurt gave him a pointed look, effectively shutting him up.

 

“Next point is that we will not engage in any sexual activity when we have school the next day. I will not tolerate my grades dropping because of a liaison between us. Finally, my roommates and I have a standing agreement – none of us are allowed to have guests over to have sex or make out with. You will follow those rules, as well, and not push them.”

 

Sebastian glared. “Telling people we’re dating will ruin my reputation, you know.”

 

Kurt snarked back, “That can only be a good thing, seeing as you don’t have any friends. Who knows? This might actually help improve your reputation: you know, as actually being willing to have something quote-unquote serious with someone.”

 

“You’re a bitch, you know that?”

 

“No, I’m not a female dog. I’m a diva. That’s all and, as far as I can tell it, you need me more than I need you. I can leave you high and dry without any problems. I don’t need you. I don’t love you. So, deal or no deal?”

 

Sebastian turned his glare away from Kurt and gritted his teeth. “Deal. But you’re putting out for me right away, you hear?”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Whatever. If you insist. Please take note that I’m high-maintenance, though. You’ll have to be a real good date on Saturday or I might go back on the deal.”

 

“Let’s get it in writing.”

 

“So you can show it around to everyone? No thank you. I’m the one in power here. You’re the one who gave me the power. Tell me, how does that feel?”

 

Sebastian grumbled, “I don’t like it.”

 

Kurt smirked. “Well, too bad: tough luck. Take it or leave it, but that’s the way it’s going to be and I get to choose if we have penetrative sex or not.”

 

“Why, you want to save that for your one true love or something?”

 

“No. As I told you, I don’t want to fall in love. Not anymore. I’ve decided that isn’t for me, but I do want it to mean at least something when I go that far. I don’t want it to be something to just be thrown out the window at the next best opportunity. That isn’t me. Knowing you, you’d probably just go right ahead with it. I want you to woo me first, though. Make me want you. At the moment, you’re still the annoying meerkat who’s been trying to pick me up for a quick round of banging, but you haven’t made me want you yet. So, do that and you’ll have me, but not until then.”

 

“If you want it to mean something, then you have to have it with someone you love, but you don’t want to fall in love. That means, you’ll either never have sex, will fall in love, or will accept doing it with someone who knows what they’re doing and will make it as painless as possible. Choosing to do it with someone you trust can be special, too, you know.”

 

“I… maybe. I mean, no, I’ll decide.”

 

“Which one of us has the experience here?”

 

“You…” Kurt stated hesitantly.

 

“Then, trust me, you want to have your first time with someone who knows what he’s doing. I know how to prepare you so you’re so senseless from pleasure that you won’t even notice the pain.”

 

“I… I guess?” Kurt floundered. He steeled his voice again, “But I refuse to back down on the issue of at least pretending to have a relationship.”

 

“You’d better be worth everything that I’m investing in you.”

 

Kurt smirked. “Didn’t you hear? I’m more than worth it. I’m the only choice you have. That’s why I get to dictate the terms, remember? If you’d prefer being celibate until Christmas vacation, though…”

 

Sebastian growled, “I told you I’d do it, didn’t I? Gosh, you _are_ high-maintenance.”

 

Kurt smirked. “But I’m all that you’ve got, so tough luck.”

 

Sebastian grumbled, “I hate you; you know that?”

 

Kurt continued to smirk, “The feeling is completely mutual, trust me. Remember what you said, though: hate sex is supposed to be awesome and, seeing as I haven’t tried it out yet, I’ll have to assume that you know what you’re talking about. Right?”

 

Sebastian huffed. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Anyways, as fun as it was talking to you, I have some homework to get done and you have to get some rest in order to be up to going out on Saturday.”

 

Kurt commented, “It’s Wednesday. I sincerely doubt I’ll be up and at ‘em on Saturday, if it took you two weeks to get over it.”

 

Sebastian shrugged. “Yeah, well, I also put up more of a fuss about being treated than you did, so all’s well that ends well. You’ll be fine. If not, then I guess we could postpone it a week.”

 

Kurt held his stomach as it churned again. “Might be a good idea. I think I’m going to puke again pretty soon.”

 

“Don’t puke on me,” Sebastian replied.

 

“Just for that comment, I’m _so_ tempted to. However, I think I’ll go aiming for the pail next to you, instead. It’s a lot prettier and already has held my puke before. For some strange reason, I didn’t think that you’d want to have a reenactment of me throwing up on my old guidance counselor’s shoes – just exchanging her shoes for yours. I didn’t actually think that would go over very well. Was I mistaken?”

 

“No, not at all. I’ll be going now, regardless.”

 

“Yeah, you do that. I’ll see you later.” Kurt waved slightly as Sebastian left. Then he grabbed the pail and threw up into it again. He sighed and lay back on his bed, wondering if he’d just sealed his doom or if he’d done the right thing. He wished that he knew for certain, but he knew that only time would tell.

 

If nothing else, he felt a certain amount of excitement for the quasi-date with Sebastian the Saturday after he got out. He remembered the Friday dinners he’d had with his father. It was a good thing that Sebastian had suggested a Saturday. Then he’d have all weekend to recover. If it had been on a Friday, he probably wouldn’t have been able to fully concentrate on it. Fridays were always tough – especially when it was mealtime. Kurt would always end up thinking about the dinners he’d had with his father and the one he had tried to worm his way out of – only to lose his father later that same day.

 

On Kurt’s worse days, he would sometimes blame himself. If he hadn’t gotten his father so worked up, would he have still had the heart attack? Would he have still died? If Kurt had just gone along with it, would he still be there with him? Would Kurt maybe be back at McKinley, being pushed into lockers, receiving slushie facials – all the good stuff – and Glee Club. That was the only thing that he actually kind of missed. That and his father.

 

Certainly, Kurt loved their choir. They did interesting and well-done choral arrangements with carefully done background music. The choir leader trusted Kurt to always hit the right tone, too, and thus help carry the tenors to the right note. The other tenors had already started following his lead on their own. It was flattering, but still – there was no one for Kurt to follow.

 

The choir leader had promised Kurt a solo, if a good opportunity for it arrived. After all, he had a strong, clear voice in a unique register. He could well lead the tenors, so it wouldn’t be that big of a leap to let him actually have a solo. The most important thing was that he had volume, was pitch-perfect and had a certain amount of stage presence.

 

Luckily, Kurt had all of that and he was proud of it, too. He let his eyes fall shut as exhaustion overtook him again.

 

***

 

The nurse woke Kurt up a few more times to make him eat something – even if he couldn’t keep it down. He realized that he was rapidly losing weight. As a matter of fact, the nurse had come to him and told him that, once he was well again, she was sending the cafeteria a strict food regiment to put him on and that he had better eat everything on his plate or she’d give him the dressing-down of his life.

 

Kurt had just nodded meekly. He always tried to eat well. It wasn’t his fault that he hadn’t been hungry for the past half year or so. He didn’t want to end up like one of those skinny models that had no expressions on their faces and just walked down the runway wearing someone else’s creation. He had no interested in people being able to count his ribs and see all his bones when he was changing. It wasn’t attractive and he knew that the last thing he needed was to be less attractive. He was already bad enough off, as it was, in that department. He didn’t need to make himself even uglier by not eating enough.

 

They’d put him on an IV to keep him hydrated enough, because he couldn’t even keep fluids down long enough for them to be absorbed. Kurt was miserable. He was glad that he didn’t feel hungry, at least.

 

Kurt was there for about one and a half weeks until he was able to keep any solid foods down and thus was released. He was told to still rest a day in his own room before going back to school. Exhausted from the trip back to his room, Kurt had fallen asleep right away, only to have his roommates wake him up for food.

 

Kurt thanked them for going out of their way to make sure that he had his lunch. He tried really, really hard to finish his meal but, in the end, had to leave about a third of it there – and it wasn’t even a lot of food. He decided that being sick really sucked.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note that what I have in here is not a reflection of all English people. It’s just my sister’s observation from when she went to an international school in Germany several years ago.
> 
> Also, the credit for the art goes to Freakingpotter. Please go here to comment on it: http://freakingpotter.tumblr.com/post/73760923027/my-accompanying-art-for-the-story-roses-of-the

### Chapter Seven

 

It was actually several weeks later before Kurt was well and caught up enough in school to go out with Sebastian. True to their agreement, he’d told people that he and Kurt were dating. Several times, other students had approached Kurt, telling Kurt that he deserved better than Sebastian. This only cemented Kurt’s belief that, by pretending to date him, Sebastian would only improve his reputation. After all, it was already at rock bottom. It couldn’t get worse: it could only get better.

Kurt, on the other hand, was known as a friendly guy who wasn’t that good in German yet, but was still trying. Kurt found that he had managed to gain their respect for his hard work – even if not their friendship. That was a good feeling for Kurt: knowing that he was respected and used as a good example.

Kurt sighed as he got ready for Sebastian to pick him up to go to a small restaurant in town. It wasn’t extremely fancy – none of them were – but he’d heard that the food was good and that it had a nice, homey feeling. In addition to that, it was a traditional Swiss restaurant, so they could practice their German and Kurt could try some more traditional foods.

Kurt was dressed in the tightest pair of skinny jeans he could get past the clothing regulations of the school. They were a deep crimson. Over them, he wore a pair of black boots that came up slightly past the middle of his calf, with a little bit of a flair at the end. Otherwise, they were barely loose enough for walking. On top, he wore a black peasant blouse with a crimson vest, of the exact same shade as the pants, over it. This was his first date and it was still a small town – even if it was in the middle of Switzerland, so he’d tried to keep it toned down a little. He looked in the mirror and added a gold chain and bracelet.

As he waited for Sebastian to pick him up, he pulled at a strand of hair, trying to make it go back to where it was supposed to go. It wasn’t cooperating, though. He’d put hair spray on it and mouse. The only thing he hadn’t done was use hair gel, because he knew that that wouldn’t actually help at all. It would just make his hair look like a sticky mess rather than the light, yet styled effect he wanted. He wanted his hair to look like he had made an effort: he didn’t want it to look cheap and tacky. It wouldn’t do for him to have his hair looking like he’d glued it together: Sebastian probably would tug on it, making it even worse, or he wouldn’t actually be able to get his fingers into it, which would end up distracting them in the middle of what they were doing.

Kurt took a deep breath. He had to stop thinking like this. He was okay. He was the one in control here. He didn’t need Sebastian. He didn’t. Really, he didn’t. He didn’t need someone to make him feel cared for. He didn’t need someone who always managed to get him distracted enough to eat. He didn’t need someone who could somehow make him feel wanted and needed.

Kurt amended to himself in the secrecy of his mind that he _did_ need someone for all of those things – not that he’d ever let Sebastian know, though. No, that wouldn’t do. Kurt had to remain in control. If he didn’t, then he’d end up following Sebastian and that was a recipe for disaster.

Kurt licked his lip, then silently berated himself for doing so when he tasted the mint-flavored lip-balm on his lips. He pulled it out of his pouch and reapplied it in case some of it had been lost due to his nervous ticks.

Kurt stated to fiddle with his shirt. Maybe he should have worn another shirt. Maybe he should have worn something a little more modern. He knew, after all, that peasant blouse, as pretty as they could be when combination with other clothes, were still somewhat old-fashioned, having been used since the middle ages.

Just when Kurt had decided to change clothes, again, he heard a knock at the door. Since Reto and Urs had left ages ago to get away from Kurt and to play some soccer while it was still warm enough, Kurt had no choice but to answer the door himself.

Kurt gulped when he saw Sebastian. He was wearing a short-sleeved, black polo that looked like it was a size too small, with an electric blue hoodie that he had open in front. He was wearing loose jeans that still managed to hug him in all the right places. Kurt was slightly surprised that the polo actually kind of fit, because it had a cluster of thin, electric blue stripes on the collar. His shoes were black All Stars. On his arm was a lined jean jacket. Kurt was surprised at how well put-together the outfit actually was.

Sebastian asked, “So, now that you’re done ogling me, are you ready to go or are we going to skip supper and get right to the good stuff?”

Kurt sniffed. “I was just making sure you were up to my standards of dress.”

Sebastian smirked and raised an eyebrow. “So, do I pass, your majesty?”

Kurt responded airily, “Barely. Just barely. You’ll have to do better next time.”

Sebastian quipped, “Well, it’s a good thing that our end-game activities don’t include clothes, then, isn’t it?”

Kurt blushed, but nodded. “Yes, those clothes would be a definite turn-off for me. Popped necked collars are not your style. You should try something more like a V-neck.”

“My mom always picks out my clothes for me. It’s not my fault that she picks up the same clothes for me, though in a different size, that she picks up for her current hubby. I think he’s number thirteen.”

Kurt retorted, “With a number like that, I doubt it’ll last long.”

Sebastian nodded. “None of them do. Still, at least she has someone she can live off of for a while, then. The men all flock to her for some reason I can’t comprehend. I mean, sure, I’m gay. So what? I can still figure out if a woman is attractive or not and she isn’t, but she still is never lacking for a guy.”

Kurt nodded. “Yeah, there are some girls like that. I had a few former classmates like that in the States. I never could figure out, for instance, how Rachel almost managed to get Finn away from Quinn – a cheerleader and one of the more attractive girls at school. In the end, though, Quinn kept him by getting pregnant – except that it wasn’t his and, when that came out, that relationship died a quick death.”

Sebastian gave an incredulous look. “What kind of a school did you go do?”

“A public one,” Kurt responded matter-of-factly.

Sebastian flared his nose slightly and sneered. “Ew. How did you handle the smell of public school? It always made me want to puke.”

Kurt huffed daintily. “You know, if you continue this way, I might just decide to leave you high and dry, after all. I happen to have very good friends in public school.”

Sebastian grumbled, “Whatever. We have to get going. We have reservations. I had to speak German” he sniffed disdainfully, “to get them.”

Kurt turned a lopsided smile at him. “Well, we can’t let that go to waste. After all, it’s not every day you brave talking on the phone in German. At least you were smart enough to make reservations, though. I’d hate to think you’d bring me to a restaurant and make me wait around until a spot freed up.” He grabbed a thick, black, wool coat to keep him warm in the late autumn mountain chill. It was due to snow later, so he also made sure to choose a warm, crimson scarf as an accessory and necessity, as well as a pair of charcoal gloves.

After leaving the room, Kurt took a moment to lock the door behind him. He followed Sebastian through the halls of the Kleinhaus. Before they reached the exit, both of them took the time to pull on their coats, scarves and gloves, since neither of them felt very inclined towards being sick again so soon.

As they left, Kurt saw the first snowflakes tumbling down, catching the light of the lamps that were starting to turn on. There already were a few inches of snow on the ground from the past few days. Despite being on the southern side of the Alps, Kurt figured that the snow level would only continue to drop from then on. He reached out with a tentative hand to clasp Sebastian’s, who groaned, but accepted it.

Sebastian hissed at Kurt, “Don’t forget that I’m just going along with this to get into your pants, okay? I don’t do dating.”

Kurt quipped, “You’re doing it right now.”

Sebastian glared at him in return.

Kurt took a deep breath of the chilled air. He replied more seriously, “As if I could forget that, Smythe. Not only do I find your personality revolting, but you also take every opportunity to remind me of this fact. Besides, if you recall, the deal is that people think that we’re dating. Holding hands is part of that. Deal with it.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. You don’t want your perfect” he sneered, “ _reputation_ to be tarnished.”

Kurt nodded. “Exactly. At least, not any further than it already is just by being associated with you.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Let’s just get this thing over with.”

“Yes, let’s do this. Show me how much of a gentleman you can be.”

“Well, don’t expect much, then. I’m not.” Sebastian paused then amended, “A gentleman that is.”

“Well, it’ll be difficult to woo me into your bed then, won’t it?” Kurt challenged.

Sebastian’s eyes narrowed. “We’ll see about that! I don’t think it’ll be that much of a challenge to get you into bed – gentleman or not.”

“Oh, really?” Kurt asked, looking through his eyelashes coyly. “Well, try to keep in mind that both of us have to be able to get it up then and we’ll be fine.”

“That will not be a problem. I’m an expert.”

Kurt looked him up and down. “I’m looking, but I’m not seeing an expert at anything other than being an ass.”

“A hot ass.”

“If you say so…” Kurt mocked.

Sebastian stopped on the street, pulling Kurt to a stand-still via their interlocked hands. He twirled him in a semi-circle until they were pressed up as close as they could be with all the winter clothes in the way. Sebastian leaned down a little and tilted his head to cover Kurt’s lips with his own, taking advantage of Kurt’s surprise to slip his tongue in.

Much to Kurt’s mortification, it actually wasn’t that long until a moan slipped past his lips. No matter how much Kurt disliked Sebastian, he had to admit – boy could that guy kiss! When one of Sebastian’s hands drifted south to cup Kurt’s butt, though, he managed to gather himself enough to lift Sebastian’s hand up to his waist, though still leaning into the embrace.

Kurt twirled around and out of Sebastian’s grip, taking the other teenager by surprise, as they were suddenly just holding hands again. “So,” Kurt asked, acting like nothing had happened, while breathing heavily, “Dinner then?”

Sebastian grumbled. “Yeah, yeah; dinner.”

_ooo_

After a ten-minute walk, they finally arrived at the restaurant. It was a typical, traditional Swiss building with a white-painted and wooden facade, a steeple shingle roof and dark green shutters on the windows. The name of the restaurant was written on the building, over the entrance, in red, in a medieval font. There was a blackboard outside that had the daily specials written on it and a glass-paneled box that had the menu displayed on it along with the prices in Swiss Francs.

The railings on the balcony were obviously originally a product of some smithy and had been renovated recently. They had a large rounded area on the bottom that stuck out from the building and then receded in past the balcony in the form of a backwards S. The renovators had put metal poles in the corners to reduce the open area there. They’d tried to make it look like it was part of the original design, but unfortunately had failed. The windows had window-boxes hanging from them, which were obviously supposed to hold flowers during the fairer days of the year.

Kurt noted that the restaurant doubled as a hotel from the vacancy sign hanging in one of the windows on the left side of the door. Worn, stone steps led up to the wooden door, which had a dark green paint job that was starting to flake off in places.

There were fairy lights strung around the edges of the roof, glowing softly and bringing attention to the otherwise rather ordinary-looking building. Kurt took a glance at the menu and recognized maybe half of the things on it from Urs’ and his mother’s attempt to introduce him to Swiss cuisine.

Kurt let Sebastian lead them inside, where he told the waiter, “J’ai des reservations pour deux personnes en nom Smythe.” (I have reservations for two people under the name Smythe.)

Kurt blinked at him. “French?”

Sebastian shrugged. “They understood it better than my German and me their English.”

Kurt giggled slightly as they were guided to their seats. When he saw the table, Kurt was immediately taken with it. It was finished wood, mirroring the finished wooden walls. The finish was clear, so you could still see the knots and wooden structure of the original tree, as well as its grain-line.

Kurt ran his hand over one of the tabletops and marveled at how smooth the surface was. The varnish finish was so thick that you couldn’t really feel the wood underneath. He knocked on it, making sure that it was actually wood and not a plastic imitation. It gave a hollow, deep sound, convincing Kurt that it was wood.

Sebastian sat down and, after Kurt didn’t sit down, asked him, “You waiting for a signed invitation or something? Stop looking at the table and sit down.”

Kurt was drawn away from investigating the interior. Trying to hide how much he liked the place, he stated, “Shouldn’t you pull out my seat for me to sit down?”

Sebastian just cocked an eyebrow. “You are just as capable of doing that as I am.”

“You’re the one…”

“Trying to get laid. Yes, I know. You’ve reminded me at least a thousand times by now – tonight. I’m not your slave, though. If you get any more demanding, I’m gonna cut my losses and leave. Besides, you want it just as much as I do. I believe I already proved that.”

Kurt sniffed and wrinkled his nose. “Whatever.” He sat down stiffly.

A few moments later the waiter came by, handed them the menus. He asked, “Voulez-vous quelque-chose à boire?”(Do you want something to drink ?)

Sebastian answered, “Je veux le thé froid avec citron.” (I’d like the lemon iced tea.)

Kurt stated, “Ich hätte gerne ein Glas Coca Cola Light.”(I’d like a glass of Diet Coke.)

The waiter barely didn’t miss a beat and responded, “An iced tea and a Diet Coke. Do you wish anything else?”

Sebastian replied, “I’d like a suggestion for a wine that fits our meal once we’ve chosen it.”

Their waiter responded, “I need to see some identification.” Sebastian showed his ID and gestured for Kurt to do the same. The waiter nodded and left.

Kurt looked at the menu. Several selections caught his attention, including an additional page for deer and other wild animals. According to it, those dishes were only available during the hunting season. There were various options for side-dishes. The most common ones were Spätzli, Rösti and mashed potatoes.

The waiter returned and asked, “What can I get you?”

Kurt smiled. “I’ll take the Rehpfeffer and Spätzli, as well as the leaf-salad.”

“Which dressing?”

Kurt hesitated a moment, trying to remember the Swiss salad dressings and which one contained the least fat. “Balsamico.”

The waiter turned to Sebastian, “And you, sir?”

“I’ll take the Züri Gschnetzeltes with Rösti, as well as the leaf-salad with French dressing and a wine of your suggestion to go with both of our menus.”

“Very well, sir. Please do not hesitate to ask, if you need anything more.”

Kurt smiled at him as he left. Then he asked, “So you’re not taking any of the specials?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Nah. I’m not that much for eating deer. They’re too pretty.”

“So you’ll eat a calf, instead?”

Sebastian shrugged. “They’re not deer.”

“But they were too young to enjoy life.”

“They were imprisoned in a pasture all their lives. They didn’t really know freedom: not like the deer did.”

Kurt huffed and scowled, but couldn’t disagree.

Sebastian continued, “Look, if it makes you feel better, with all of the insane regulations that the Swiss impose on themselves, I’m pretty sure that they’re only allowed to kill a certain number of them, in order to keep their population small enough to not have as many difficulties surviving the winter, so don’t feel guilty about it. I certainly won’t feel guilty about eating an animal that didn’t really get to experience how fucked up life can be. No, wait a moment, it did. That’s why it’s going to be on my plate.”

Kurt tried to hold on to the scowl, but couldn’t hold back a snort and then laughter. “You’re one of a kind, Sebastian. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone like you before – not that I’d want to, anyway.”

“Yeah, well, likewise. Never met a guy who looked, dressed and sounded like a girl, the way you do. No, wait, I think there might have been a twink or two that I slept with… You’re just a walking gay stereotype, aren’t you?”

Kurt found it easy to return to scowling. He growled, “Quit while you’re still ahead, Smythe. Besides, tell me how many of those stereotypes involve fixing cars, playing football or stuff like that?”

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “You know your way around a car? Color me impressed.”

“Of course I do. I practically grew up in…” He paused. “Never mind. Yes, I know my way around cars. No, I’m not going to tell you how. Next subject.”

Sebastian commented, “You awoke my curiosity and now you’re leaving me to wonder. How cruel – leaving me to languish and perish from curiosity.”

“Somehow I have the feeling that you’ll be just fine. So, tell me more about yourself.”

Sebastian crossed his arms in front of him. “I already told you all the important stuff. There isn’t much left to tell.”

“Well, what about your hobbies? What are the sports you like to do at school? What are the games and sports you elected throughout the school year? Why?”

“Sticking to a safe theme, Kurt? Don’t want me to dig around in your past. What do you have to hide? I think that you should tell me a little more about yourself – return the favor of me telling you, so to speak.”

“I don’t have to tell you anything. You told me all on your own accord.”

“I was expecting at least a little something back.”

“You should have specified that in advance.”

“I’ll ask again – what are you hiding?”

“If there’s anything I’m hiding, then I’m hiding it from myself, as well.”

“What happened to you?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.”

“Then what are you running from?”

“I’m not running from anything.”

“Then why won’t you talk about your past with me?”

Kurt finally elevated his voice slightly, “Because it’s none of your gosh-darn business, that’s why. I know what you want from me. You know what I want from you. I refuse to let it become anything other than what it is – an unwritten contract. If you want, we can change that part too. If we were actually dating, you could ask me but, as of right now, you don’t have that right. So leave it be. Got it?”

Sebastian asked, “It wasn’t anything of a sexual nature, was it?”

Kurt blushed and vehemently shook his head. “No! Not that it’s any of your business, anyway.”

“Actually, yes it is. I need to know if there’s a subject or something that I have to avoid with you or something I can’t do with you. So, even if nothing else is any of my business – that is, seeing as it’s reflected on by our contract.”

“Fine. I’ll give you that, but I promise you – you’re the first and only guy to ever show any interest at all in sleeping with me.”

“They were idiots, then. Even I have to admit that you have one heck of an ass, if what I see in those pants is anything to go by.”

“Tell that to the homophobic population of Lima, Ohio. They’d be appalled at you and make you suffer for even suggesting something that doesn’t fit into their heteronormative, neaderthalithic pea-brains.”

“So you were bullied in your old school, then?”

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Wow, you win a prize. It only took you several weeks to figure that out. I am so impressed – not.”

Sebastian hissed, “If I’m going to be playing your boyfriend I should know a few things about you, don’t you think? Otherwise people will know that we’re just faking it.”

“My roommates know that we’re faking it and don’t agree with it. They’re the only people who actually know me that well, so you could probably concoct any plausible story and tell it to them – and they wouldn’t know the difference.”

“And you’re badgering me to make more friends?”

“I never said I was. I know, just as well as you do, that the cliques are already built and have been that way for probably over three years now. It’s… difficult… getting accepted into one of those groups. Besides, most of the kids here are stuck up pricks that think they’re all high and mighty because their parents have money. What a load of garbage.”

“You are such a hypocrite. You do the same to them – just the other way around. Nah, call me a hypocrite as well, if you want, but the students who annoy me the most are the English students. They act like they’re God’s gift to man and like we Americans are worse than the dirt underneath their shoes.”

Kurt nodded. “I’ve noticed that, too. I mean, I’m sure that not all of them are like that, but still… most of the ones I’ve talked to were.”

“I’ve heard that one of the ways they can tell what social level you belong to is what accent you have when you speak.”

Kurt giggled. “Let’s hope that they never go to Texas, then. They might get shot.”

“As if they’d ever deign to visit somewhere as low as America.”

“Well, they might have to: you know, when on business trips or whatnot.”

“Ah, but then they’d have problems making the deal because they’re too snotty.”

“But the cute accent does get them some points.”

“It makes it easier for them to bed someone – not to make a business transaction.”

Kurt joked, “Maybe if they sleep with the person in charge…”

Sebastian winked. “Now you’re thinking. Now, speaking of sex, do you know what to expect tonight?”

Kurt’s face grew warm. “I… I… Well, I’ve read a bit about… well… you know, terminology and… uh, mechanics and such, so I know a bit.”

“You looked it up online?”

Kurt nodded, then ducked his head. Luckily, at that moment, the salad arrived, so he was able to distract himself with playing with his lettuce. He tried it and found that it tasted really good. The dressing had the perfect amount of balsamic vinegar in it, leaving it with a bit of a bite, but not too much.

Sebastian took no heed of the first course having been served. “I guess I’ll probably have to explain everything to you again then in more detail. There’s no way I’m going to let you top on your first time. I know what I’m doing. I know how to make it good for both of us. Thus, you can learn from a master.”

Kurt asked after swallowing a mouthful, “How far are we…?”

“We’ll try several different things but, yes, we will try anal.” Sebastian started to eat his salad as well.

Kurt spluttered. “But doesn’t that hurt? I mean, I know what you said the other day, but still…”

“As I’ve said before, it’s only if you don’t do it right. That’s why I’m going to be on top first. Later on, I don’t mind switching it up, but I’m topping you first and that’s final. You have too nice an ass to resist.”

Kurt’s blush grew even darker. “Th… thank you… I guess?”

“Definitely a compliment. See, those pants, they’re so tight they don’t leave much about form to the imagination. They make me want to get my hands all over them, especially over your butt and groin area.”

Kurt felt the stirrings of arousal touch him again. “Stop it, Sebastian. We’re in public and at a restaurant, at that.”

Sebastian smirked. “That just makes the whole thing more thrilling.”

Kurt’s eyes grew wide. “What?”

“I might have a bit of an exhibitionistic kink. If that doesn’t do it for you, though, we’ll leave it.”

Kurt shook his head. “I don’t think… it’s too private to share like that. I just…” He curled his arms around himself protectively. “I don’t want anyone to see me.”

“Well someday, if we’re at a club or bar together, I’ll take you into the bathroom. I’ll show you what it’s like, but no one can walk in on us. Okay?”

“But they’d hear…”

“Not if you’re quiet enough. That’s part of the thrill.”

“You’re a pervert.”

Sebastian flashed a cocky smile. “And proud of it. Now, the sooner we finish eating, the sooner we’ll get to the fun part of the evening.”

“You know, you aren’t being that much of a gentleman right now.”

“I’m talking logistics. You know, to get them out of the way and whatnot. Had to be taken care of sooner or later. Better now than getting cockblocked by going through them later.”

“But we’re in public.”

“Yeah, so? Later on we’ll be in the dorms. Believe me, those are not soundproof. I’ve heard several of my neighbors jacking off and, despite the ban on intimate contact, they find their ways around it. Luckily, all the rules apply to girls in our house. There are none about other boys.”

“In other words, we’re skirting the rules.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Well, yeah, but we’ll only have to make sure to stay quiet. If need be, I can gag you.”

Kurt shook his head. “I’ll behave.”

“Too kinky for you?”

Kurt glared at Sebastian. “What the heck is wrong with you? Unlike you, I don’t have any experience. I sure as heck am not going to go into quote-unquote kinky stuff without ever actually having tried the act itself and who knows? I might never get into it.”

“How boring – but whatever rocks your boat. I will get you to try things though, just so you know if you like them or not.”

“And if I don’t?”

“Then you tell me to stop and I do, but that’s for later. Right now, we’ll go with vanilla – for your sake.”

“I think vanilla is a very good place to start. Besides, I happen to like the flavor.”

“So, on that note, do you prefer vanilla or chocolate?”

Kurt frowned. “Is that a double-entendre?”

Sebastian shook his head. “Nope. Just trying to get on with the getting-to-know-you part of the date.”

Kurt replied, “Oh, in that case, I used to like vanilla better but, since I’ve tried the Swiss chocolate, nothing can beat that: especially the kind that has vanilla in it, as well. That stuff is to die for.”

Sebastian shrugged. “Well, the Swiss _are_ famous for their chocolate, so that isn’t that big of a surprise.”

Kurt asked, “So, what is your favorite class, then?”

_ooo_

That set the note for the rest of the evening. They traded questions back and forth with Kurt more-or-less carefully dodging the ones about his past and Sebastian sneaking them in at various intervals, but only managing Kurt to part with the information that he used to be in a Glee Club in the States.

They enjoyed their food immensely. Kurt especially enjoyed the Rotkraut he had as a side-dish and Sebastian gave him some of his food to try, but refused to try any of Kurt’s. Because they were too full to finish a desert on their own, they ordered chocolate mousse together. After the first bite, Kurt exclaimed that it was the best chocolate mousse he’d ever had, blushing as several people gave him funny looks. Luckily, the waiter seemed to take it as a compliment. Apparently he told the chef, as well because, on subsequent visits, there always seemed to be an extra scoop on Kurt’s plate.

Finally, on the way back to their dorms, the jitters started to hit Kurt. He found himself incapable of responding to Sebastian the way he normally would – instead, it ended up either being chattering or nothing at all. In the end, Sebastian took pity on him and just let the conversation slip.

They were very careful not to appear as a couple when they went into the Grosshaus. Kurt was only reminded of his curfew of ten-thirty PM. He pulled out all his acting abilities to pretend that he was just visiting a friend. If any of them noticed how nervous he was, though, then they didn’t say anything.

After Kurt signed in, they went straight to Sebastian’s room, where he locked the door and pulled Kurt into a fierce, wet kiss. He groped his ass, pulling him towards him, leaving as little space between them as possible. When Kurt felt an answering hardness pressed up against his own, he gasped. This time, he didn’t pull away, though: this time, he pushed away the panic and pressed back. He gasped again as this caused them to rub against each other. His eyes met the darkened, lustful, green eyes of Sebastian.

Kurt quickly took most of his clothing off, leaving only his black, long-sleeved undershirt and underpants on, suddenly extremely self-conscious of his body. He neatly folded the outfit and turned around to face Sebastian. He blushed as he noticed that Sebastian hadn’t worried about keeping those remaining layers.

Sebastian seemed to take note of this and slipped behind Kurt. “It’s okay,” he whispered. “I’ll be careful. Just trust me” Kurt closed his eyes, trying to let himself be consumed by the physical pleasure. He pulled down the neck on Kurt’s shirt and nibbled on his neck and a small part of Kurt hoped he wouldn’t leave hickeys. As Sebastian’s other hand slowly rose, pulling the fabric of the shirt up with it and Kurt let go.

_ooo_

Kurt did make it back in time for curfew. Before he’d left Sebastian’s room, he’d made sure that his hair and clothes were the same way they’d been when he’d gone in. Reto and Urs were both sleeping already, but they’d left a light on for him to get changed by, which he was grateful for.

Kurt took a shower, got changed, turned off the light and slipped into bed. His rear was pleasantly sore. It had hurt a bit, but it had been bearable. Suddenly, the feeling of being alone overwhelmed him. Unbidden tears came to his eyes and he started to cry into his pillow. He didn’t understand why he was crying, though.

Sebastian had been as good as he’d promised. Kurt had felt cared for. He’d felt closer to Sebastian than he’d ever felt to anyone before. Then why did he feel so empty? Now that it was over, he missed that feeling so much. He’d been the center of someone’s world for a few moments and he wanted it back.

Kurt cried harder, knowing that it would only ever be for a few hours at a time every weekend. It would never evolve into Sebastian actually caring about him but, since everyone who cared for Kurt eventually left him, shouldn’t that be a good thing? All Kurt knew at that moment, though, was the pain in his heart. He wondered if it would always be like this, yet he knew he’d keep going back for those few moments of comfort, for that connection. He needed to be wanted – and, at that moment in time, Sebastian had wanted him.

No matter what anyone said – he’d go back time and again for that feeling: to be cared for; to be wanted; to be needed; to be the center of someone’s world. Maybe this was why Sebastian kept going after sex, as well. It wasn’t a complete remedy, but it made the hurting stop – if only for a short while.


	9. Chapter 9

### Chapter Eight

 

Kurt tried to continue to act the same as before. He smiled; he laughed; he forced himself to eat. He studied and got the best grades in his classes with the promise to be promoted to the higher level of several classes in the next semester.

 

Somehow, though, Kurt’s friends knew that something was amiss. They kept pestering him about going to the school psychotherapist, which he kept on refusing.

 

Time went on and they stopped pestering him. Instead, they tried to get him to come outside with them and do stuff, but he was always busy studying or, if it was a Saturday, supposed to meet up with Sebastian.

 

As winter set in, the Jazz dancing lessons ceased and Kurt joined the ice skating group, while Sebastian went out snowboarding. This meant they only saw each other in school, during the few lessons they shared, and in their free time, which turned into being every Saturday.

 

Kurt barely noticed how Sebastian slowly slipped away from insulting him all the time to occasionally complimenting him on things he’d done well. He barely noticed the concerned looks the other boy occasionally would send him. It confused him when Sebastian had asked him if their relationship really was consensual. He barely noticed how Sebastian started to try harder and harder to get him to smile and laugh.

 

Kurt could only see how utterly disgusted he was with himself. He was better than this. He shouldn’t need someone else to show him his worth. He shouldn’t need someone else to make him feel wanted and needed. He shouldn’t be thinking about how nice it would be to just escape, to get away from the world, to slip into darkness and never wake up. He knew it was wrong to think that way – and yet the thought kept on returning unbidden. He felt the strong desire to join his parents.

 

_ooo_

 

When he returned to the States for his winter break, his grandparents took him out to dinner to celebrate his good midterm grades. They told him how proud they all were of how well he was doing and they hoped that he’d keep up the good work. Kurt promised them to continue to bring back such good grades. Thus, he spent most of his time holed up in his room studying, only coming down to eat.

 

On Christmas, though, he refused to leave his room. Instead, he spent the entire day crying. His father wasn’t there this year. He remembered how they’d made it into something special – a family holiday – in spite of being atheists. He remembered all the presents he’d been given and how little they meant to him now. Now that the one thing he really wanted would never be fulfilled – those memories hurt. He remembered his dad trying frantically to convince him that Santa was real when Kurt woke up in the middle of the night on Christmas Eve to get a glass of water, only to find his dad slipping presents into his stocking. He remembered singing carols while playing the piano with his parents, and later just his father, watching him and smiling happily. He wanted that back.

 

The only slight spark of light was when he received a text message from Sebastian, of all people, wishing him, “Happy holidays. Hope it’s more interesting than my dreadfully boring ones.” Attached was a picture of a ballroom with lots of people dancing. Kurt wondered how Sebastian had even gotten his American phone number.

 

Finally, his grandmother threw her weight around and forced him to go to a psychiatrist. He was prescribed anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. His grandmother talked to his school and they set up a time for him to regularly see the psychotherapist at the school.

 

Kurt hated that he apparently needed this. He was apparently ill – mentally ill. Sure, as things went, it could have been worse than clinical depression. He never hurt himself, either, though that was more because he didn’t want to mar his skin or have anyone asking about it. According to the psychiatrist, this sometimes happened when people were unable to deal with grief on their own. They would only put him on medication temporarily until he was better.

 

He received several Christmas presents from his family and friends, both in the States and in Switzerland, but everything seemed so empty and lifeless and Sebastian wasn’t there to make him feel better for those few moments when they were entwined. He wondered if the feeling he felt was akin to missing someone; wishing he was with him, just so he would feel at least slightly better. In the end, he discarded the idea, deciding that, if it didn’t feel like missing Mercedes or missing his father, it couldn’t be that he missed Sebastian.

 

Kurt didn’t quite understand the messages he was receiving from the other boy. He wasn’t sexting him, like he would have thought Sebastian would be likely to do. He was just keeping him up to date with his daily life. This was strange. After all, it wasn’t like they were actually friends or anything. Sebastian could do anything and anyone he pleased. Instead, he was sending Kurt messages that screamed anything _but_ Sebastian making tons of conquests. Rare as they were, for a few moments, they’d help lift the fog over Kurt’s mind and let the sun shine through. All too soon, though, a thought of his father would creep through, leaving Kurt feeling just as morbid as before.

 

The holidays passed in a haze of studying, taking his medication and forcing himself to eat, with the occasional strange media message or text message from Sebastian telling him about his day. Despite eating, though, he found that he still lost weight. His mind occasionally went back to what Urs had asked him. No, he was not living: he was surviving. Day after day, he forced himself to go on. He put one wavering foot in front of the other, knowing that he couldn’t stop lest it become too much. He owed his father, his mother – his whole family for that matter – that much. He couldn’t surrender: not now, not ever. After all, his father had taught him: Hummels never give up.

 

A traitorous voice in the back of his head whispered to him that they did. If they didn’t, then his father would still be alive. He’d still be living in Lima. He’d never have met Sebastian and he might actually have a boyfriend already. His father might have married Carol at this point and Finn would be his step-brother.

 

Kurt quickly shut the voice down. He had to believe that his father had tried. He had to have done his best and it just wasn’t enough. There must have been no choice. He’d fought. He’d held on for several hours after his heart attack. It just hadn’t been enough. His father wouldn’t have wanted to leave him – never! He’d loved him. No matter what arguments they’d had – no matter how disappointed he was in Kurt – he loved him. That was all that Kurt had to cling to and he would do so for as long as it took.

 

_ooo_

 

Before Kurt knew it, he was on a flight back to Switzerland. He was in a slight daze from the higher dosage of medication he’d been put on, since the other one hadn’t been helping him enough. When he was in Switzerland, there was talk of him trying some other antidepressant to find which one he responded best to.

 

Kurt couldn’t actually find it within himself to care anymore. He felt numb. He felt empty. He wanted Sebastian to make the void inside him go away. He seemed to be the only one who could still reach him on a regular basis – at least, before he’d been put on antidepressants. Kurt hoped that they wouldn’t harm his performance in bed. After all, that was the only reason that Sebastian kept him around. If he wasn’t good for that anymore, he’d have nothing again: nothing except school work and living up to his own standards.

 

Idly, Kurt wondered how many guys Sebastian must have slept with during vacation. It hurt to think of Sebastian doing something with someone else. Kurt didn’t quite understand why, though. Still, he was more or less certain that it had happened. After all, Sebastian had needs. When Kurt wasn’t around to fulfill them, he’d need someone else.

 

This didn’t explain, though, how Sebastian was there to meet him when he arrived. It didn’t explain how he escorted him to his room to drop off his stuff and then practically dragged him off to his room, where they had several rounds of sex and Sebastian held him close after it was finished.

 

It most certainly didn’t explain Sebastian’s hesitant words and soft kisses, when he thought Kurt was napping after one of their rounds, “I missed you, Kurt.”

 

Kurt pretended to be asleep rather than face Sebastian and what that might mean.

 

_ooo_

 

The moment that Urs and Reto found out about the antidepressants, they made it their goal in life to, A, make sure that Kurt never forgot them and, B, to never miss one of his appointments. If need be, they would escort him there kicking and screaming. When they’d told this to Kurt, he’d snorted with laugher, a small smile appearing on his face, only to disappear a few moments later.

 

Then Kurt took out his school material and got to studying again, despite his roommates’ attempts to draw him into conversation. He only used the excuse that he needed to be prepared for getting switched up a level in German and Math. He had to learn all the stuff they’d learned in the first semester through self-study.

 

Afterwards, they’d reluctantly left him alone, but had managed to drag him into the common room for a bit, even if he sat there with his nose in Faust I with a dictionary next to him. He wondered how similar his relationship to Sebastian was to that between Faust and Mephistopheles or if it was more like the one between Faust and Gretchen. Kurt wondered if his father would act as Valentin did. Would he be ashamed of Kurt? Would he try to kill Sebastian?

 

Kurt buried the pondering thoughts and continued to focus on the drama. He’d heard that the next level of German students had covered this in the past semester between studying grammar. It wouldn’t do for him to be behind, not having read it at the very least. He was far from completely understanding it though. He hoped to score some of the worksheets from his fellow students or new teacher soon. So far everyone had refused though, citing that he wasn’t actually in that class yet and he’d have time enough to catch up once he was moved up a level.

 

It was in the common room where Sebastian found him. He picked Kurt up, who squeaked in protest, and deposited him on the couch. He sat down and slung an arm around Kurt’s waist, pulling him as close as he could before pulling out his own book to read, ‘Le voyage au centre de la terre’ by Jules Verne in French. Kurt looked up for a moment in surprise, but soon found his attention going back to his book. It was nice, though, being held in someone’s arms; being cared for. He liked it. It made him feel less lonely. A small smile grew on his face as he cuddled with Sebastian.

 

He only vaguely took note of his roommates exchanging looks. He just felt too good – too peaceful to think about anything except for the warm presence snuggled up to him and the book he was reading.

 

After watching Kurt look up the tenth word within half an hour, Sebastian asked, “Why are you reading that, if you have to look everything up?”

 

“Because it’s part of the stuff that they read in German II. I don’t want to fall behind.”

 

“But, if you have to look up so much, how can you really understand the contents of what you’re reading?”

 

“I understand enough of it. There’s just some words that I’ve never run across before. This isn’t exactly the language you hear in everyday life, you know. It’s poetic German from the beginning of the nineteenth century. Reto told me the other day that he has to look thinks up all the time, as well.”

 

“Reto’s the one who has to stay every Wednesday and Saturday for extra study, too, if I recall correctly.”

 

“Well, yeah, but his main problem is that he has difficulties focusing for long periods of time. It’s not that he’s stupid.”

 

“There’s a reason why there’s medication like Ritalin, you know.”

 

“He’s not bad enough that he needs it. He just gets excited and distracted easily. I think it’s kinda cute, personally.”

 

Sebastian scowled. “You would.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?”

 

Sebastian huffed and looked away. “Nothing.”

 

“Don’t you ‘nothing’ me, Sebastian!”

 

“Call me Bas.”

 

Kurt blinked. “What?”

 

“I said, call me Bas. Sebastian is a mouthful and, while I know that I’m a mouthful, you shouldn’t have to spend more time saying my name than you need to, so call me Bas. Everyone does.”

 

“Then why has it taken so long for you to tell me to call you it?”

 

Sebastian’s ears grew a little pink. “Because… just because.”

 

Kurt’s small smile grew slightly. “Okay, Bas.”

 

“Good. Now go back to reading the stupid drama that you don’t actually have to read yet.”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “As if Jules Verne is on the reading list.”

 

“This is leisure reading, thank you very much. Not everyone can spend all their time studying.”

 

“I don’t…”

 

“Yes, you do.” He paused. “Have you had supper yet? You’re still too thin and, instead of gaining any weight, you keep losing it instead.”

 

“I’m just stressed. Finals are coming up and I have to do well or I won’t get into the higher levels of Math and German, most of which I’ve been teaching myself, because otherwise I’ll be utterly behind my classmates and I’d prefer to catch up now rather than later.”

 

“You still in all your extra-curricular activities?”

 

Kurt nodded.

 

“Good; at least you get out a bit, then. So, what would you say to going boarding with me?”

 

“Boarding?”

 

“Yeah, you know, snowboarding. According to the weather forecast, there’s supposed to be some new powder snow due the end of this week. If we go fresh and early on Saturday, we should get the best of it.”

 

“I don’t know…”

 

“Come on, it’ll be fun.”

 

“But I can’t snowboard. I don’t even know how to do more than cross-country skiing.”

 

“Then I’ll teach you. Come on; it’ll be fun.”

 

“You won’t make fun of me for failing, will you?”

 

“Cross my heart.”

 

“As if you were ever a boy scout.”

 

“True. Not that I’d want to be – homophobic asses the lot of them.”

 

Kurt giggled. “Bet you’d have been cute in the uniform though.”

 

“Nah. It was either too big or too small on me when I tried out.”

 

Kurt blinked. “You actually did try out?”

 

“Of course I did. My dad wanted me to. Said it was a tradition. A good one. Said that all Smythes have been boyscouts. As if! My great-grandfather wasn’t one. I know that for a fact. First time of many that I disappointed him.”

 

“My dad… I almost became one too. I didn’t want to get dirty and ruin my clothes, though. I was insanely worried about my clothes, even then.”

 

“Wow, you are gay. I just couldn’t be bothered following their stupid rules and regulations. I never cared much about rules. Still don’t.”

 

“I’ve noticed. You wouldn’t be here, if you did.”

 

“Could be worse. Never would have met you, if I hadn’t come here. Then where would you be?”

 

“I’d still have my innocence intact, for one thing.”

 

“And you would have had a terrible first time with much less pleasure and much more fumbling and making mistakes. Believe me, you didn’t actually miss much.”

 

“So you’ve said. What is it like to make love?”

 

Sebastian blinked. “I’m not sure. I think I experienced it a few times. As far as I can tell, it’s a little gentler. It’s less about getting off than getting the other person off. It’s more intimate and caring. You feel closer to the other person.”

 

“If it’s like that, then why don’t you ever do that?”

 

Sebastian bit his lip. “The only person I’ve shared that with is someone who told me that he doesn’t want to ever fall in love. I don’t think he even realized what was going on. He was a little inexperienced.”

 

“Ah, okay. I guess that makes sense then.”

 

“It’s not like anyone would actually want to share that with me. I’m a self-proclaimed slut. I don’t do that feeling stuff.”

 

“Do you ever wish you did?”

 

“No. It’s… it’s just something that is mass-marketed. In the end, it’ll only disappear and it’ll hurt more. I watched my parents go through that before their divorce. I never want to fall in love.”

 

“Yeah, I can understand that. All the pain – it can’t be worth that. I never want to lose someone I love again.”

 

“Again?”

 

Kurt ignored the question and went back to focusing on his book.

 

Sebastian huffed. “You and your secrets! Someday, I’ll get them all out of you.” He pressed a little kiss underneath Kurt’s ear and went back to reading, as well.

 

After a while, Kurt muttered, “You actually can play a pretty nice boyfriend when you feel like it. It’s kinda nice.”

 

Sebastian replied, “Well, what can I say? I’m a man of many talents.”

 

Kurt snorted. “And oh so modest.”

 

Sebastian winked. “Well, what can I say? You bring out the best in me.”

 

“And you bring out the worst in me. Now let me go back to reading.”

 

“If that’s the worst, I don’t even want to think about how boring the best is.”

 

“Are you calling me boring?”

 

Sebastian quipped, “Not all the time. Just most of it.”

 

“I’m having fun. I’m reading.”

 

“Let me correct you there. You’re reading for school, not for fun.”

 

“It’s an interesting drama.”

 

“It’s a dreadfully boring drama.”

 

“How can you know? You haven’t read it, have you?”

 

“I looked it up online. That’s how I know.”

 

“Okay, fine; what do you want to do?”

 

“Let’s have a snowball fight.”

 

“How delightfully infantile of you.”

 

“We can follow it up with a cup of hot chocolate with miniature marshmallows in it.”

 

“Too many calories.”

 

“Not true. You need more calories. You have absolutely no fat on your body.”

 

“Something to be proud of.”

 

“An unhealthy lack of fat.”

 

“As if you know what’s healthy or not.”

 

“I do know that it’s not what you are right now.”

 

“I’m just fine. If I was underweight, the doctors would have told me by now.”

 

“I bet you’re at least borderline, though, aren’t you?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“No, you aren’t, Kurt. How you even stay warm in these temperatures is beyond me.”

 

“Layers.”

 

“What?”

 

“I dress in layers. And you don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.”

 

“Kurt, you are not fine. Over the past few months, I’ve noticed it get harder and harder to get you to smile, let alone laugh. Don’t you dare say that you’re fine.”

 

“Okay, then it’s none of your business.”

 

Sebastian clenched his hands and took a deep breath. “Sometimes you just infuriate me, Kurt. Every day I have to deal with these walls you build around yourself that are as tall as skyscrapers. I’m getting really fed up with it. Sometimes I wonder why I even try.”

 

“Because I’ve got something you want. If you could, you would get it elsewhere. I know you would. I’m sure you did.”

 

“I can’t believe… I… I… I just give up. I’ll see you in class tomorrow.”

 

Kurt’s eyes grew wide. “You aren’t breaking up with me, are you?”

 

Sebastian asked, “Is there anything to break up between us?” He caressed Kurt’s cheek softly. “No, I’m not. You’re just… frustrating at times. And I need to calm down before I need to smack something.”

 

Kurt nodded. “I’m sorry. I just… I can’t.”

 

“You were hurt once. I don’t know by whom. I don’t know why, but you were hurt and now you’re afraid of it happening again, so you’ll do everything in your power to stop that from happening. Am I right?”

 

Kurt’s gaze dropped to the floor as he nodded hesitantly.

 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ve been hurt before, too. That’s why we make such a good pair: a couple of lonely souls looking for comfort with each other. We can have that snowball fight another day.” He pressed a chaste kiss to Kurt’s lips, prompting Kurt to look up at him in wonder. “Good night.”

 

A few minutes after Sebastian left, Kurt reached up to touch his lips and whisper, “Good night, Bas.”

 


	10. Chapter 10

### Chapter Nine

 

Kurt managed to put off both the snowboarding and the snowball fight with Sebastian for several weeks, seeing as the teachers were all trying to cram the last tests in before the semester ended and still have enough time to correct them, grade them, return them and have talks with all the students about their grades.

 

Whenever Kurt was studying in the library, Sebastian seemed to have a sixth sense for where Kurt was and always managed to join him. Sometimes, he’d study alongside Kurt, sometimes he’d study with Kurt. Since he was a Math level above Kurt, he would often help Kurt study for both his own tests as well as the ones at level higher. Kurt noticed several times that Sebastian would put his own material aside when he saw that Kurt was working on Math in order to help him. Kurt just couldn’t understand why.

 

For their Music test, a song performed in front of their classes, with an instrument of their choice, Kurt found Sebastian critiquing him and making comments that were actually helpful instead of snide and rude. Kurt tried to return the favor as well as he could, but had the feeling that Sebastian was actually better at listening and critiquing than he was.

 

The thing that surprised Kurt the most, though, was when Sebastian showed up at his dorm room with books in toe. Urs and Reto actually let him in and he quickly went to the bathroom to hide his medication.

 

After Sebastian had left, he gave them a tongue lashing, “You can’t just let him in here! What if I’d had my pills out where he could see them?”

 

Urs just shook his head. “He is your boyfriend. He should know.”

 

“He’s not my real boyfriend. You know that as well as I do! He doesn’t have to know how fucked up I am!”

 

Reto piped up, “He makes you smile. He acts like your boyfriend.”

 

“Yes, exactly. He acts like it. It’s just a role he’s playing out.”

 

“That does not have hand or foot. He has never played that part around us.”

 

Urs added, “You are kicking his feelings with your feet. That is why he was upset in the common room when we had just returned from vacation.”

 

Kurt sniffed. “I sincerely doubt that. Now leave me alone. I have to concentrate here.” He sat down on his bed demonstratively with a book.

 

“On more homework? On more studying?” Urs asked.

 

Reto said, “You are leaving this room now. Everyone is required to spend some time in the common room. That’s what the rules say.”

 

Kurt grumbled, “Oh, fine, have it your way – but I’m bringing my books with me.”

 

“Als ob wir mittlerweile etwas anderes von dir erwarten würden.”(As if we’d expect anything else of you by now.)

 

“Ich muss lernen. Ich darf meine Familie nicht enttäuschen.”(I have to study. I can’t disappoint my family.)

 

“Manchmal glaube ich, du bist mehr tot als lebendig.”(Sometimes I think that you’re more dead than alive.)

 

“Ist das etwas schlechtes?”(Is that a bad thing?)

 

“Gib nicht so schnell auf.”(Don’t give up so quickly.)

 

Urs added, “Wie Schiller es in Wilhelm Tell schrieb, ‘Das alte stürzt, es ändert sich die Zeit. Und neues Leben blüht in den Ruinen.’” (As Schiller wrote in Wilhelm Tell, ‘The old falls, the times change. And new life blossoms in the ruins.’)

 

Kurt shook his head and covered his ears. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear it! He can’t care for me. He can’t. He can’t!” He started sobbing, arms clutching his legs to himself, book having fallen to the side, seemingly forgotten.

 

Urs sat down next to him and looped an arm around his shoulders. “Why do you say that?”

 

Kurt shook his head. “I don’t want him to. He can’t care for me!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because then he’ll leave.”

 

“What?” Urs and Reto demanded in dismay.

 

“Everyone leaves.”

 

Urs asked, “What makes you think such things?”

 

“Because everyone…” he drew in a strangled breath, “eventually leaves. My mom, my dad, my friends in the States, everyone!”

 

Reto commented, “We haven’t left you.”

 

“You will. When we don’t room together, you won’t have to care!”

 

“But we care about you.”

 

“That doesn’t matter! It’s never mattered before. Why should it now?”

 

“Du hast echt einen Schaden, wenn du so denkst!” (You’re seriously screwed up, if you believe that!)

 

Kurt clung tighter to himself. “I know. I’m screwed up. That’s why I’m on meds. That’s why I have to talk to talk to a shrink. Do you think I do that just for fun? I know that I’m messed up in the head, but I always lose everyone. I’m always going to be alone. Can’t you see that?”

 

Urs scowled at Reto. “You are not crazy. You are just having difficulties healing. Give it time.”

 

“Time heals all wounds, eh? But it doesn’t. They’re still there. I should know. It’s been years since my mom died and it still hurts. It won’t be any different with my dad.”

 

“You are being pessimistic. We will bring you to the nurse.”

 

“No! I can’t go out looking like this! What if Sebastian sees me?”

 

“I think he already suspects something is wrong. How often has he asked you how you are doing?”

 

“Several times. It’s been getting more frequent, too. I tell him I’m fine.”

 

“How often does he accept your answer?”

 

“No…”

 

“Then, you see, it makes no difference if you go out looking like this or not.”

 

“Thinking something’s wrong is different than knowing it is! I refuse!”

 

“Do we need to carry you there?”

 

“Leave me alone!”

 

“We will, you know.”

 

Reto piped in. “We made a promise to you. You must see the nurse.”

 

Finally Kurt deflated. “Fine – but let me wash my face first.”

 

Reto dug into Kurt’s pack and pulled out his package of moist towelettes and handed him one. “So you can’t change your mind.”

 

Kurt added, “I’m wearing a hat, though.”

 

Urs rolled his eyes. “Wie auch immer. Gehen wir.” (Whatever. Let’s go.)

 

Kurt pulled out a hat and dipped it low into his face, to hide the signs of crying from anyone who might have seen. “I’m fine. You don’t have to do this.”

 

“You are not fine. How many times must we tell you this?”

 

“I _am_ fine! I’m taking my meds. I’m talking to the shrink. I’m doing everything I’m told.”

 

“But it is not helping!”

 

“Because there’s nothing wrong with me!”

 

“If there is nothing wrong with you, why must you take medication?”

 

“Because doctors like to prescribe medication. It’s one of the places they get their money from.”

 

“Why do you take it, then?”

 

“Because I don’t want to make people worry.”

 

“Well, I am worried. Reto is worried. Sebastian is worried. Should I go on?”

 

“I’m still fine.”

 

“You are not fine! You are coming with us now.”

 

Kurt barely put up a token of resistance as he was dragged to the medical station. He kept his head down, but was glad that Sebastian hadn’t seemed to have spotted them. Kurt figured that he must have already returned to his dorm.

 

At the medical station, they trooped him over to where the psychotherapist was just packing up her stuff to go home for the day.

 

She looked up at the trio and smiled. “Ah, Kurt. One of my favorite patients. How are you doing today?”

 

He grumbled. “I’m fine. I bet you say that to all your patients.”

 

“You were telling me about those boots you saw in the newest vogue issue. Have you decided what to do about them yet?”

 

“I still can’t afford them.”

 

“That’s a pity. So, these are your roommates, then?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Will you introduce me to them?”

 

“No.”

 

“Why ever not?”

 

“I’m mad at them.”

 

“Why are you mad at them?”

 

“Because they forced me to come here, despite the fact that I’m doing fine.”

 

“Fine? Not well?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“Then it could be better.”

 

“It could always be better.”

 

“How is your new medication working for you?”

 

“Fine.”

 

“I guess we’ll have to either up the dosage then or try yet another one. You know, Kurt, you’re a very difficult boy to find the right medication for.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Now, why don’t you tell me what your fight was actually about?”

 

Reto opened his mouth to answer, but she shot him a look and shook her head minutely, effectively shutting him up.

 

Kurt sat down in one of the upholstered chairs. “Do I have to?”

 

“You know we need to talk about these things so, please, talk to me.”

 

“I’ve told you about Sebastian, right?”

 

“Your boyfriend?”

 

“He’s not my boyfriend. Why does everyone think he is?”

 

“Okay, then your male friend with benefits, who acts like your boyfriend. I think I’ll abbreviate it by calling him your boyfriend.”

 

“Whatever. They want me to tell Sebastian about…” he gestured around with his hand, “all of this stuff.”

 

“And why don’t you want him to know?”

 

“He doesn’t have to know.”

 

“Why doesn’t he have to know?”

 

“Because it doesn’t concern him.”

 

“Why doesn’t it concern him?”

 

“Because he isn’t my boyfriend.”

 

“Why isn’t he your boyfriend?”

 

“Because I don’t want a boyfriend and neither does he.”

 

“Why don’t you want a boyfriend?”

 

“I… I just don’t!”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because, I don’t want to lose him!”

 

“Why would you lose him, if you dated him?”

 

“Because I lose everyone I care about.”

 

“Why do you think that?”

 

“I don’t think it. It’s fact. If I don’t have something, I can’t lose it.”

 

“How would you feel if you lost Sebastian now?”

 

Kurt buried his face in his hands. “I don’t know.”

 

“How did you feel when you were separated over Christmas?”

 

“I missed him. Things were slightly better when he was around.”

 

“What did you miss most?”

 

“Warmth, comfort, care. I don’t know.”

 

“I think you do know. You would miss him, if you lost him; wouldn’t you? You care for him; don’t you?”

 

“No! I don’t! I can’t! I won’t!”

 

“You know, Kurt, you haven’t lost everyone. You told me that Mercedes and Brittany still keep in touch with you.”

 

“Mercedes is too involved with herself and Brittany currently thinks I’ve been abducted by aliens. I heard from the grapevine that she still believes in Santa Claus.”

 

“I think that’s rather sweet. Such innocence is rare in this day and age.”

 

“I can’t contact Finn or Carole, though. I don’t want to remind them.”

 

“Are you sure that they don’t want to be reminded?”

 

“They haven’t tried to contact me, either.”

 

“Maybe they think that you don’t want to be reminded. Did that occur to you?”

 

“No – but they can avoid the pain. I can’t. They can just go back to the lives they had before they met us. I didn’t have a life before I met my dad.”

 

“And that’s the root of the problem, isn’t it? You don’t know how to live on your own yet and you don’t have anyone to show you or tell you how.”

 

“I’m not living on my own.”

 

“No, you aren’t – but you’re acting like you are.”

 

“No, I’m not.”

 

“Kurt, don’t get into this game with me. You know better.”

 

“Fine. Whatever.”

 

“You know, I really do like you, Kurt. You’re a wonderful teenager. You’re very mature for your age, but you’re still only sixteen years old. It’s okay to need help every now and then, okay?”

 

“No, it’s not. I have to be strong. Everyone’s always telling me that.”

 

“You can be strong and still depend on others. Even the strongest person in the world needs someone to lean on occasionally, Kurt.”

 

“I don’t see what this has to do with the price of tea in China.”

 

“How do you think Sebastian would react, if you were to tell him?”

 

“He’d pity me and drop me like a hot potato and head off to greener pastures.”

 

“Ah, now we get to the crux of the problem. You don’t trust Sebastian.”

 

“Well, why should I?”

 

“Has he given you any reason not to trust him thus far?”

 

“Well, no… but he’s only in it for the sex. He’s been very upfront about that.”

 

“If he’s only there for that, then don’t you think that he’d keep you around for that?”

 

“It would complicate things too much. He’d treat me differently.”

 

“And he doesn’t already?”

 

“Yes… no… I don’t know…!”

 

“You told me that he’s been acting differently lately. He’s become tenderer. He’s started seeking out your company. He texted you while you were in the States.”

 

“I still don’t know how he got that number.”

 

“You’re changing the subject. Now, remind me, how did that make you feel?”

 

“It made me smile.”

 

“So it made you happy. You know, Kurt, during an orgasm, hormones are released from your hypothalamus that make you feel happy. So that can account for you feeling happier after the act and how, after the act, you go back to feeling worse, because they’ve run their course. However, they can’t explain you feeling happier when you hear from him. That can only come from genuine happiness.”

 

“He makes me feel special.”

 

“Because he cares for you.”

 

“He doesn’t.”

 

She rolled her eyes. “Sure. That’s why he sent you random texts and practically jumped you when you got back here. That’s why he was upset about you talking about him sleeping around while you were in the States.”

 

“Well, he was. I’m sure he was.”

 

“Do you know for certain?”

 

“Well, no, but it was part of the agreement…”

 

“Just because he can doesn’t mean he will.”

 

“Of course he would. He likes sex too much to abstain that long.”

 

“You know, Kurt, it does happen that a friendship with benefits turns into something more.”

 

“That is not the case here.”

 

“Regardless. I think I’ll take you to hospital to have you tested more thoroughly, so we can find the right medication and dosage for you. I’m not a psychiatrist: I can’t prescribe them. Now, I know that currently you’re under a lot of stress because you’re preparing to essentially skip an entire grade in Math and German in addition to all the normal tests. I think it’s important that we get this dealt with sooner rather than later. The anti-anxiety drugs might actually help you with the studying, you know.” She winked. “So, how about I pick you up tomorrow bright and early. I’ll have one of my colleagues inform your teachers.”

 

“If we have to.” He paused then pleaded, “Please ask them not to inform the other students of why I’m not there? I don’t want them to know.”

 

She sighed. “Sure. I’ll make sure to add that to the memo. You do realize that you won’t be able to hide this from him forever; don’t you?”

 

“I don’t care. I’ll hide it from him as long as I can.”

 

She sighed. “I’ll get an appointment for us tomorrow. You just have to be here by eight o’clock, okay?”

 

“Yes, ma’am.”

 

“No need to be snarky. I’m Margarete, remember?”

 

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.”

 

“Okay, then, now skedaddle. I have to talk to your roommates a bit.”

 

“I never should have taught you that word.”

 

She whined, “But I like it.”

 

Kurt snorted and left the room. “I’ll wait by the door, okay?”

 

“Sure!” she called back.

 

Kurt stood outside the door, waiting. It wasn’t like he was trying to listen in. They were just talking loudly enough to be heard through the door and he had told them that he’d be waiting there.

 

Margarete asked, “Nun, wer vo üch isch wer?”(Now who’s who?)

 

Reto answered, “Ich bi de Reto.” (I’m Reto)

 

“Und ich de Urs.” (I’m Urs.)

 

Margarete continued, “Nun loset mol anne. Kurt isch im Moment nöd guet druf.”(Now listen here, Kurt isn’t doing well at the moment.)

 

Reto answered, “Mir händ das gmerkt.” (We noticed.)

 

Urs added, “Das gseht e Blindi mit Krückstock.”(A blind man could see that.)

 

“Guet. Den seit ihr keini Idiote. Er wet nöt gseh, dass er es Problem hät. Ihr münd eu nöd unterkriege lah. So lang er es nöd igschtehe cha, chömmer nöd viel tue. Mir chönd nur bewiese, dass mir ihn nöd im Stich lönd. Es isch wichtig, dass ihr das verstönt. Auch wenn er versuche würd eu abz’stosse dürfet ihr nöd druf igah. Verstönd ihr?” (Good. Then you aren’t idiots. He doesn’t want to see that he’s got problems. Don’t let it get you down. As long as he doesn’t admit it, there isn’t much we can do. We can only prove that we won’t desert him. It’s important that you understand that. Even if he tries to push you away, you can’t comply. Do you understand?)

 

Urs asked, “Händ mir hüt eigetlich richtig ghandelt?”(Did we act correctly today?)

 

“Wenn es zu viel für eu isch, dann isch es richtig ihn hier anne zbringe. Wenn ihr das Gfühl händ, dass er üpis mache würd, dann bringet ihn sofort hier anne.”(If it’s too much for you, then it’s right to bring him here. If you have the feeling that he might do something, then bring him here right away.)

 

“Üpis mache würd? Sicherlich nöd! Er wet nöd, dass sini Familie…”(Do something? Certainly not! He doesn’t want his family to…)

 

“Das cha siech ändre. Mer hät viel Gründ nöd sich selber oder andri üpis aztue. Aber, in einem Momant, cha mer das vergesse. Ich sag nöd, dass er üpis mache wird. Es cha aber sii.” (That can change. One has many reasons not to harm oneself or others. But you can forget that in a moment. I’m not saying that he will do something. It could happen, though.)

 

“Ich verstah. Mir werdet ufpasse.” (I understand. We will pay attention.)

 

“Guet. Wenn ihr mit üpertem drüber spreche wend, mini Tür isch immer offe.” (Good. If you want to talk to someone about it, my door is always open.)

 

“Merci viel mol. Gueti nacht. Schlaf guet.”(Thank you very much. Good night. Sleep well.)

 

“Noch nöd für miech. Ich muen noch am Spital arufe. Morn wird en lange Tag werde. Ich wünsch eu aber guet Nacht und en erholsame Schlaf.”(Not yet for me. I still have to call the hospital. Tomorrow’s going to be a long day. However, I wish you guys a good night and a regenerative sleep.)

 

Reto answered, “Merci gliichfalls.” (Thanks. I wish you the same.)

 

_ooo_

 

Kurt found himself wishing that he’d worked on understanding Swiss German better. He’d only caught a few words that he’d understood. Perhaps that had been the point of having it in Swiss German, yet letting him have the feeling that he could listen in, if he chose. Dr. Margarete Mächler was no dummy. As a matter of fact, sometimes she was a little more astute than he was comfortable with. Often he had the feeling that she understood his feelings better than he did.

 

Soon, his roommates joined him and they headed back to their room. If they watched him more carefully, then Kurt pretended not to notice.

 

_ooo_

 

The next day, Kurt got his medication adjusted, as promised. He was even back in time for his last few classes. Afterwards, he was accosted by both Reto and Urs.

 

Urs asked, “How did it go?”

 

Kurt sighed. “It went well. The new meds should work better. I’m on Wellbutrin now.”

 

Reto asked, “Do you feel any different?”

 

Kurt replied, “I feel a little calmer now, but I have a slight headache. They warned me not to take it before sleeping, as it can cause insomnia.”

 

Reto queried, “Insam… insomnia? What is that?”

 

“It ranges from difficulties sleeping to not being able to sleep at all.”

 

“Kurt!” Sebastian called from behind him.

 

Kurt’s eyes lit up. “Sebastian?” He turned around. Luckily Sebastian was still a ways down the hall, so it was unlikely that he’d heard much of their conversation, if any.

 

Sebastian flicked Kurt’s nose, who automatically scrunched it up in response. “Hey!” he complained.

 

Sebastian crossed his arms in front of him. “Don’t you dare ‘hey’ me! Where were you in class today? I asked the teacher, but he only gave me some bullshit reason about you having an appointment down in town. Why didn’t you tell me? Where were you?”

 

Kurt turned away cooly. “I did have an appointment and I didn’t tell you because it was fairly sudden. I don’t see why it would be any of your business, anyways.”

 

“Because I’m your boyfriend, for goodness sakes!”

 

“So I’m suddenly not allowed to have any privacy? How would you like that?”

 

“Privacy is one thing. I let you have your privacy! How many times have I backed off when you didn’t want to tell me something? How many times have I let you keep your secrets? For crying out loud, I hardly know anything about you and we’ve been dating for about three months now!”

 

“You got exactly what you signed up for.”

 

“Yes and, when I signed up for it, I didn’t know you!”

 

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

“I didn’t know what you’d do to me. I didn’t know how you’d make me feel. You make me feel, Kurt! Me! The self-declared promiscuous, emotionless jerkass!”

 

“I don’t care! I didn’t ask you to!”

 

“Well, sorry for caring, then! You happen to be a likeable person, unlike me.”

 

“Damn right!”

 

Sebastian gritted his teeth. “I don’t have to hear this from you! Fine! Don’t tell me! Don’t let me into your life! See if I care!”

 

“You just said that you do! You can’t take that back.”

 

“Damn right I can! I’ll see you whenever you want to talk to me!” He stormed off. Reto ran after him.

 

Urs, on the other hand, turned to Kurt. “That was mean of you. He did not deserve that.”

 

Kurt retorted, “I don’t care.”

 

“I think you do care. What will you do, if he leaves you?”

 

“He will return. Have no doubt about that.”

 

“What if he does, though?”

 

Kurt scowled, crossing his arms across his chest. “I didn’t need him before I had him. I don’t need him now, either.”

 

“Will you apologize to him when he comes back?”

 

“No. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m going to our rooms to study. I want to be alone.”

 

“I’m coming with you.”

 

“I said that I want to be alone!”

 

“I know what you said, but it is my room, too, and I want to be there, too.”

 

“Don’t you have soccer practice?”

 

“No, I do not. Not today. The volleyball team booked the gym today. They’re training for their big game later this week.”

 

“Whatever. Just don’t bug me. I have a test tomorrow.”

 

“Understood.”

 

Kurt stomped off to their rooms, not even stopping to check if Urs was keeping up.


	11. Chapter 11

### Chapter Ten

 

It was several days before Kurt saw Sebastian again outside of the classroom. The last of their tests before the end of the semester was over and Kurt was just waiting for the results to find out if he’d been accepted into the higher level or not.

 

He tried to avoid thinking of it, but it never worked. His mind would always go back to it. He kept wondering if he was living up to his family’s expectations. He kept wondering if he was good enough for them. He didn’t want to let them down.

 

It was a nice, sunny Saturday. It had snowed the night before, so everything outside was fresh and white. He heard a knock on the door and opened it, only to find Sebastian decked out in a snowboarding outfit, two snowboards held in his hands.

 

“Get ready. We’re going out.”

 

“What? You can’t just spring this on me after we haven’t talked for so long! I’m not ready! I have homework to do…”

 

“Bullshit. If I know you, it’s probably all done, except for the stuff where you have a long period to do it. Besides, I told you weeks ago. I left you alone until the tests were done. The semester is almost over. Have some fun! Going out now isn’t going to change anything except for loosen you up.”

 

“What do you mean, you left me alone until the tests were done?”

 

“Reto told me that you were under a lot of stress because of the tests and not to take things you say too personally. I kinda understand, so I decided to leave you be until they were finished. That way you could actually relax a bit.”

 

“But I don’t know how well I did!”

 

“Doesn’t matter. This’ll get your mind off of it.”

 

“I don’t want to get cold and wet!”

 

“Then dress correctly.”

 

“I don’t have anything to wear!”

 

“I doubt that. You always have something to wear. Let me take a look.”

 

“There’s no way I’m letting you go through my clothes for me!”

 

“Well, then get dressed. I know you have some of the stuff. The school practically forces us to do some type of snow activity.”

 

“I chose figure-skating for a reason, you know.”

 

“Fine. In that case, wear a warm, water-proof pair of pants and a jacket.”

 

“And if I don’t have any?”

 

“Then you’ll be shit out of luck when it’s Winter Sports Day with the school.”

 

“What?”

 

“Haven’t you kept up to date? It’s in March.”

 

“So I have to wear something as… unfashionable… as that getup?” Kurt gestured at Sebastian’s clothes.

 

“You bet. So you’ll have to buy something. I’ll take pity on you today. You can borrow something from me. We’re about the same size and I have a few extra.”

 

“Why do you have extra?”

 

“Well, in case they get dirty, sweaty, torn – you know the norm. I know a guy who went sledding and managed to cut clean through his boot.”

 

“You’re kidding.”

 

“Nope. Well, okay, the boots weren’t actually all that sturdy. They were the soft type – but he still managed it. I wasn’t in the same group as him, so I only heard about it and saw them afterwards, but believe me: they were truly cut through. Since then, I’ve made sure to have a few extra sets. Don’t want to have to use my credit card on that stuff. It’s darn expensive.”

 

“Then I couldn’t afford it, anyway. My credit card has a fairly low limit.”

 

“Parents making sure you don’t spend too much on fashion or something?”

 

Kurt’s face grew stony. “Or something. So, can we go?”

 

“Sure. I’ll get you outfitted. Maybe you can borrow my stuff for Winter Sports Day, too. If not, you’ll have to borrow something from one of the stores.”

 

“Yeah, sure. Maybe I can just do figure skating instead. That’s cheaper to borrow.”

 

“You don’t even have ice skates?”

 

“I outgrew the pair I had as a kid. Since then, I haven’t really been clamoring to go ice skating. Even then, it was more because I was forced to.”

 

“You never liked going out, did you?”

 

“Nope. Never. Always wanted to salvage my clothes. You know, keep them nice. That way, they could be sold again when I outgrew them.”

 

“You thought about reselling them that early on? You were some strange kid.”

 

“Whatever.” Kurt left the room, locking the door behind him and headed towards the Grosshaus. “You coming?”

 

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t get your panties in a twist.”

 

“First of all, I’m not wearing any. You should know that better than anyone what I wear for underwear. Second of all, you’re the one who wants to drag me on this useless activity people spend way too much time and money on.”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “You’ll see. It’s fun.”

 

“I sincerely doubt that.”

 

Sebastian winked. Everything’s fun with me.”

 

“You’re a stuck up idiot who thinks he’s the center of the world. Of course you’d think everything’s better with you.”

 

“You bet.”

 

“I don’t have to.”

 

“You might make money on it.”

 

“No one would be willing to bet against me.”

 

“I can think of a few people who might…”

 

“Well, enlighten me, then.”

 

“Our French teacher.”

 

“That’s just because he worships the ground you walk on for having lived in France and speaking almost perfect French.”

 

“Almost perfect? It is perfect!”

 

“Just because the teacher can’t spot your mistakes doesn’t mean I can’t.”

 

“I do not make mistakes in French.”

 

“Do, too.”

 

“Do not.”

 

“Do, too.”

 

“Do not!”

 

“Do, too.” Kurt stuck out his tongue and dashed off towards the Grosshaus along the paths that had been shoveled early that day.

 

“Do not!” Sebastian called after him, taking his time. “Don’t forget that you need me to get in!”

 

“At least I’ll be out of the cold, then!” Kurt called back.

 

“How are you supposed to last a minute in higher altitudes like that?”

 

“You’re the one dragging me along into this. I’d just as soon stay here. Maybe I’ll go to the library instead…”

 

Sebastian dashed after him. He was a little faster than Kurt was, so he caught him and tackled him into the snow-covered lawn to their side. “Not a chance. You’re going with me.” He pressed a kiss to Kurt’s lips. “Remember, hot chocolate…”

 

“Without marshmallows and with real milk and Swiss chocolate.”

 

“Promise. And afterwards we can find other activities to get everything else nice and warm in my room.”

 

“Do you ever not think about sex?”

 

“Nope. I’m a teenage boy. Of course I don’t think about anything other than sex and, if I do, then I manage to find a double-entendre in there somewhere that leads me back to sex.”

 

“You’re incorrigible.”

 

“I know.”

 

“Let me up. I’m getting cold.”

 

“I could help you with that.” Sebastian glanced around quickly before clasping Kurt’s groin and squeezing it slightly.

 

Kurt groaned. “Does that mean I get out of going on this stupid trip of yours?”

 

“Nope. It just means that we can postpone it for about half an hour to an hour.”

 

“That means we’d be getting going just before lunch. We could stay here for lunch.”

 

“Nah, I’ll treat you to lunch up at the restaurant by the ski-lift.”

 

“It would be cheaper, if we ate here.”

 

“Yep, and you’d have another excuse to stay later. You’d keep finding them until it was too late to go.”

 

“Would that be a bad thing?”

 

“Not necessarily. If it’s the right things we’re doing.” He smirked. “But today we’re going out. End of story.”

 

“You were the one who brought up having sex.”

 

“Yep, I was, but I think now I’ll keep it as a reward for getting out and doing something.”

 

Kurt frowned. “I get out and do a lot of things.”

 

“Yeah, right; that’s why I can find you in the library, your room or the common room like clockwork, worshiping the books of knowledge.”

 

“Well, at least then I know that I’m doing my best to get good grades. I’m still trying to make up for the poor school I used to go to.”

 

“Whatever. Shall we go?”

 

“Are we really not going to have sex now?”

 

“Are you desperate for it? Are you having troubles keeping your hands off of my fantastic ass? Are you that horny for me?”

 

Kurt’s eyes grew defiant. “Never!”

 

“Well, then I guess then we won’t. We’ll keep it as a reward for you once we get back.” He gripped Kurt’s hand, pulling him up with him as he stood up, almost overbalancing.

 

Kurt’s eyes widened. “No! Wait! I mean…”

 

Sebastian stuck out his tongue. “Too late. Always so competitive, Kurt: never willing to acknowledge what you need.”

 

Kurt sulked. “I tell you what I need…”

 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Oh, really? Then why is it that I’m the one who always has to call you over? Why is it that I’m the one constantly driving this relationship of ours?”

 

“I don’t need you.”

 

Sebastian joked, “Try finding someone else in this school willing to sleep with you.”

 

Kurt stopped, turned around and fled back to his room. He heard Sebastian calling after him, but he couldn’t stop. He knew Sebastian was joking. He had to have been. He had that little quirk of his lips that he only got when he was teasing. It was too close, though. Those were the exact same words he’d thought to himself over and over again.

 

No one other than Sebastian would ever want him. No one could want him. He was effeminate. He wasn’t at all like those men in those magazines April had given him. He was scrawny and lithe. He still had those pear hips that Coach Sylvester had always gone on about. No matter how much weight he unwillingly lost, that didn’t change. He wasn’t really attractive. No gay guy could really want him. He was too girly. He knew that.

 

He suddenly noticed that his cheeks were freezing and his lungs burned from breathing heavily in the cold air. He slowed down slightly to get his bearing and catch his breath. A moment later, warm, familiar arms were surrounding him.

 

Sebastian roughly turned him around. Kurt resisted weakly and, even when he was faced in Sebastian’s direction, refused to look up at him. Sebastian gripped Kurt’s chin and forced him to look up. The annoyed look died on his face a moment later as he asked, “Kurt, why are you crying?”

 

Kurt blinked. Was that why his cheeks had suddenly grown colder?

 

Sebastian took his glove off to wipe the tears off. “God, Kurt, I was kidding. I didn’t mean that. Lots of men would want to bang you. Trust me. If you were in a bar or club, you’d be getting propositions left and right. Someone as good-looking as you wouldn’t be alone for long. I swear.”

 

“Really?”

 

Sebastian nodded and drew Kurt in close again. “Yeah, really. Believe me: if you were but-ugly, I wouldn’t be able to get it up with you.”

 

“That isn’t exactly reassuring!” Kurt tried to push away from him.

 

Sebastian held on tightly. “No, that isn’t what I meant! I meant… I meant… I wouldn’t have propositioned you, if I didn’t think you were attractive and, now that I’ve seen you naked, I can truly say that you are one fine specimen.”

 

Kurt relaxed and rolled his eyes as small lopsided smile began to shine through, even as he sniffed. “I think you need to work on your cheering-up skills, Bas. They’re a little rusty.”

 

“It’s not generally a skill I cultivate. Now, how about we let this little faux-pas of mine go and I teach you how to snowboard, okay?”

 

“Okay, Bas. Let’s go.” For the first time, Kurt actually leaned up slightly to peck Sebastian on the lips. Sebastian didn’t let it remain an innocent peck, though, and held Kurt there, licking at his lips for entrance. Suddenly, the cold around them didn’t seem to matter, as Kurt felt inexplicably warm.

 

It was with great hesitance that they parted. Kurt’s cheeks were warm and he felt slightly dazed. He breathed in deeply, the cold air burning slightly in his lungs. Sebastian’s eyes didn’t sway from Kurt’s.

 

Kurt commented, “Shouldn’t we go?”

 

Sebastian blinked several times and cleared his throat. “Yeah. Go. We should go. To my room. To pick up one of my spare snowboarding outfits. That’s right.”

 

Kurt giggled as he let Sebastian lead him, holding his hand. He tried not to think about the warm feeling in the pit of his stomach or how the pink on his cheeks had nothing to do with the cold temperatures.

 

_ooo_

 

When Kurt returned to his room that evening, he was smiling. He felt like he’d accomplished something. Sure, he’d only been able to stay upright for a fraction of the time he was actually on the board, but Sebastian had been patient with him. He’d gone over things with him time and again. As promised, he’d never insulted Kurt’s lack of progress. Instead, he’d just gently pushed Kurt onwards.

 

When they’d gotten cold, they’d gone into the restaurant next to the ski-lift and had a hot Ovi (they had discovered that they didn’t actually have any hot chocolate – only Ovomaltine. The waitress had told them that it actually had more vitamins and minerals in it, as well as malt sugar, which could help you go on longer. She’d then quoted a commercial, ‘Mit Ovi chansch nöd besser – aber länger.’ Then she’d translated it, ‘With Ovi you can’t do it better – but longer.’

 

Kurt had found that to be true. It had given him a bit of extra energy. However, he still hadn’t gotten the basics of snowboarding down until the very end of the day. At that point, Sebastian had done a little dance yelling ‘finally,’ to which Kurt had responded with laughter.

 

Urs and Reto were already there when he arrived. Reto asked, “How was your day?”

 

Urs asked, “Where were you?”

 

“Sebastian got it stuck in his head to teach me how to snowboard, so we were gone all day doing that. I’m honestly surprised he didn’t give up on me.”

 

Reto asked, “Did you have fun?”

 

Kurt paused. “Surprisingly, yeah, I did. I didn’t think I would. I thought I’d be stuck there, bored to tears. Instead, well, I was able to forget for a while. I was so focused on trying to learn how to not fall over that I didn’t think about anything else other than Sebastian and how he must be getting tired of teaching me.”

 

“That is good.”

 

Urs nodded. “That is very good. Will you be going out again?”

 

Kurt nodded. “Probably, if Sebastian drags me along again.”

 

“Good. You need to relax. You are too stressed.”

 

“I’m just worried about my test results.”

 

“The test results will come soon. Do not worry. You will have done well. We know you studied much. Our English scores have improved since you moved in with us.”

 

Kurt smiled softly. “I’m glad to hear that. At least I was good for something.”

 

“You are good for a lot of things, Kurt. Also, we have one request.”

 

“What?”

 

“If you leave in future without future knowledge, please send us an SMS… I mean text message.”

 

Reto asked, “Why must you have a different expression for SMS? It is short for Short Message Service. That is English.”

 

Kurt shrugged. “I don’t know. We just call it texting. I’m not the one who chose the term, so don’t ask me to explain why we say things the way we do. Maybe we just didn’t want to bother with the alphabet soup or abbreviations. The military does that enough already. Maybe we just decided to call it what we saw it as being. You know, texting or sending someone a text message makes much more sense than saying that you send them a short message service. How is that supposed to make sense?”

 

“I can see what you mean. Most do not know what it stands for, I think.”

 

Urs butted in, “This is all beside the point. Kurt, please tell us, if you are going out again. We wish to be informed where you are. We worry about you.”

 

“Then stop it.”

 

“We cannot. We do not wish to. We inform you when we will be out. Please do the same.”

 

“Fine. Whatever. Go ahead and ruin my good mood. I promise I’ll inform you guys.”

 

“Thank you.”

 

Reto cut in, “Now, tell us more what it was like.”

 

Kurt corrected, “More about what it was like.”

 

“Yes, yes. Please tell?”

 

Kurt proceeded to tell them about his day with Sebastian and the adventures of learning to snowboard. He didn’t need to tell them about his miniature break-down. They didn’t need to know that. It didn’t concern them. Still, it was nice to know that Sebastian hadn’t run away at the first hint of trouble. Maybe he actually did care about him a little. The idea filled him with a feeling of warmth.

 

No, he shouldn’t be thinking that way. That train of thought would only lead to more pain. He didn’t… he couldn’t bear more pain. Not so soon.

 

_ooo_

 

That night he dreamt of a new, good-looking transfer student who was gay. He dreamt that Sebastian left their fake relationship to be with the new guy without a second thought and, all of a sudden, he was all alone again.

 

Sebastian had looked him in the eye and told him that he meant nothing to him other than a good lay – and that even that was questionable, at times.

 

When he awoke, his pillow was wet from tears and his comforter from sweat.


	12. Chapter 12

### Chapter Eleven

 

Kurt tried to distance himself from Sebastian after his nightmare. He had to prepare himself for the inevitable disappointment. Unfortunately, though, it seemed that Sebastian had not gotten the memo. He wouldn’t let Kurt avoid him. He would still drag Kurt along for snowboarding every Saturday. He’d also tried to teach Kurt how to ski once, but had given that up when Kurt had ended up going too fast. He’d panicked and hadn’t remembered how to break, trying to do what he was used to from snowboarding. It was only due to Sebastian yelling at him that he’d finally remembered what to do.

 

Eventually, Kurt started hiding away in his room, but Urs and Reto kept letting Sebastian in, to spite his explicit instructions. They’d even gone so far as to start leaving the door unlocked for him and telling him to just come in.

 

_ooo_

 

It was the beginning of March when Sebastian barged into their room, as usual. Kurt was in the midst of sorting his pills into their container for the week. He panicked and tried to hide them. Instead, he just knocked one of the containers over.

 

Immediately, Sebastian’s eyes moved to the fallen container and the pills that had spilled out from it. He strode over to it, picked it up and read the label. “Wellbutrin? What are you taking Wellbutrin for, Kurt?”

 

Kurt’s eyes were wide. “No…”

 

Sebastian’s eyes hardened. “Kurt, tell me, what the heck are you taking this stuff for? And what’s in the other bottles you’re hiding?”

 

Kurt shook his head. “You weren’t supposed to know…”

 

“What wasn’t I supposed to know? Goddamnit, Kurt! Give me a straight answer for once! Or do I have to google this?”

 

Kurt started shaking and kept repeating, “No, no, no, no…”

 

Sebastian gripped him and tugged his arms from behind him, alarmed to see more prescription drugs in his grasp. He pried them from Kurt’s grasp and placed them on the table along with the Wellbutrin.

 

A humming sound filled Kurt’s ears as he wrapped his arms around himself. His breath labored as he trembled. He heard people talking, but couldn’t make out what they were saying. All he could think of was that Sebastian knew. He knew. He knew. Everything was over. He would leave and Kurt hadn’t had the chance to free himself of the attachment to Sebastian first. His vision grew blurry.

 

He felt someone grasping his arms and shaking him. A few words muddled through the humming, “Snap… it… Kurt!”

 

He felt himself being manhandled and sat down on the bed. Arms surrounded him and he could feel the person breathing. The scent was familiar. He should know it.

 

The same voice as before spoke frantically, “Breathe!”

 

There was a pause, then a new voice, a female voice, came telling him, “Follow… breathing. In…” He felt the person holding him breathe in. “Out…” The person breathed out, pushing on Kurt’s diaphragm, forcing him to also exhale. “In…” He shakily managed to inhale. “Out…” Again, he was forced to exhale.

 

This continued for a while, until the humming died down and he realized that, at some point, Margarete had come. She’d been the female voice telling him when to breathe.

 

Sebastian’s voice sounded from behind him, “God, Kurt, you scared me…”

 

Kurt blinked. “What…?”

 

Margarete told him, “Urs called me a few moments after Sebastian came in. You had an anxiety attack.”

 

Kurt blinked again. “Huh?”

 

“Let’s bring you to the medical center and let you rest there, okay?”

 

“Hmm…” Kurt answered, falling asleep.

 

“We’ll talk to Sebastian when you’re awake again, okay?”

 

“Uhuh,” Kurt shook his head slightly before his eyes drifted shut.

 

The last thing he heard was Margarete asking, “So, who’s going to help transport him to the medical center?”

 

_ooo_

 

It was several hours later when Kurt woke up. The first thing he felt was a hand holding his own. It was familiar, but not large enough. It wasn’t big enough to be his father’s hand. Kurt opened his eyes and shut them again right away to shield them from the sudden light.

 

The second time he opened them, he looked over to see Sebastian sitting on his right side. He was frowning, looking at his cell phone that was situated in his right hand. He looked over at Kurt to see he was awake.

 

The first thing he asked was, “How long have you been on antidepressants?”

 

Kurt shook his head.

 

Sebastian looked sternly at him. “No, you are not getting out of it this time. I’ve let too many things pass. I’ve let you have your freedom. Now, tell me.”

 

Kurt stammered, “S… S… Since… Since shortly after… shortly after Christmas…”

 

“How long have you been depressed?”

 

Kurt closed his eyes, finally admitting it to himself. “Since my dad died last year on April twenty-fifth, at ten-thirty PM, from a heart-attack.”

 

Sebastian visibly winced and closed his eyes. He lifted his right hand, still holding his cell phone to his head. “So… everything we had… it wasn’t really consensual, was it…”

 

Kurt blinked and frowned. “But I wanted it. It made me feel better.”

 

“No, you don’t understand. It wasn’t consensual. I was taking advantage of you! I thought… I asked… you were acting so different… I should have put the pieces together! I’m not dumb! I’ve seen this before! How could I not have seen it? How could I have been so blind?”

 

Kurt queried, “Huh?”

 

Margarete’s voice preceded her through the open door to her office, “As ineloquently put as that was, it’s a good question, Sebastian. How could you have recognized it?”

 

“My mom… all those men that flock to her… she doesn’t exactly push them away. She’s been married at least half a dozen times to men but, despite all the men she goes through – whether she marries them or not – they never satisfy her. She’s been broken ever since my father left her for a younger, prettier American girl. I mean, okay, I guess it’s not the same, but… I just hate seeing her like that. I hate the fact that I know she’ll do it again. She’s in this vicious cycle that she can’t break out of – doesn’t want to break out of. I never want to end up like her. I never wanted to fall in love.”

 

“You know, sometimes all it takes is time. My dad spent eight years grieving for my mother before he was ready to date again. I set him up with her because of a misguided crush on her son, but they really hit it off. Maybe she hasn’t found the right person.”

 

“Your mom is dead?”

 

“Of all of that, that’s what you picked up on?” Kurt asked incredulously.

 

“So, let me get this straight; you’re an orphan?”

 

Kurt nodded.

 

Sebastian’s eyes grew slightly wider and his mouth dropped a bit. He stated, “You didn’t have anyone, did you? You were all alone.”

 

“I had an uncle, aunt, two sets of grandparents and my,” he hesitated, “friends.”

 

Sebastian shook his head. “No, you had no one. They sent you here. They sent you away. Rather than deal with you, rather than help you deal, they fostered the responsibility off on the school, on Margarete. They didn’t want it. They didn’t want you.”

 

Kurt shook his head. “No, they had reasons. I heard them. They couldn’t.”

 

“Then why couldn’t they choose a school closer, huh? Why send you all the way off to Switzerland? Why send you somewhere where you don’t know anyone? Where you don’t even speak the local language? They were getting rid of you in a way that wouldn’t leave them a bad conscience. That’s why you stay here every break you can.”

 

“But airplane tickets are…”

 

“And those vacations they pay for here aren’t expensive? Get real! Those probably cost just as much as an airplane ticket would!”

 

Kurt felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. Sebastian was voicing all the thoughts he’d been keeping to himself. “But my grandparents are old. They can’t take care of me!”

 

“Bullshit! They managed just fine when you were there for Christmas, didn’t they? Face it: they were just looking for excuses!”

 

“My great-grandfather was an alumnus here…”

 

Sebastian rolled his eyes. He snarked, “Yeah, that’s a fine reason to stick you here.”

 

“It’s a good school…”

 

“There’s plenty of good schools – boarding schools even – in Ohio. Just face it – even if they can’t admit it themselves – they just don’t want to have a kid kicking around – not that close.”

 

Margarete easily inserted herself into the conversation, “Now, I’m sure they had very good reasons for sending Kurt here. His great-grandfather having been an alumnus means that they knew how good the quality of education here was going to be. An International Baccalaureate will open many doors that a high school diploma might not. Many countries don’t trust a high school degree, because they hear all sorts of things about students who have received them and, for instance, don’t know where the equator is. It simply isn’t worth as much, internationally speaking, as the IB is.”

 

Sebastian commented, “You’re paid to say that.”

 

“Actually, I’m not. I leave that to the board members who travel around to talk about how great our school is. They do actually get paid to do it. Me? I deal with students who are already here. Why should I have to advertise our program? Now, since we got off-topic, I was quite interested in hearing your version of things, Sebastian, so continue.”

 

Sebastian blinked. “O…kay?”

 

“Now, why do you think that Kurt has been sleeping with you? Why do you think it made him feel better?”

 

Sebastian paused for a moment to think. He fidgeted with his cell phone, putting it down, picking up again and finally slipping it into his pocket.

 

Margarete commented, “On a completely irrelevant side-note, Sebastian, did you know that men carrying their cell phones in their pockets for too long can lead to infertility?”

 

He quickly took it out of his pocket and put it on the table next to Kurt’s bed.

 

Kurt giggled.

 

Sebastian grumbled. “It’s not funny!”

 

Margarete nodded. “No, it isn’t. Now that we don’t have that distracting you anymore, why don’t we get back to the subject at hand. Why do you think Kurt slept with you, knowing everything you do now?”

 

Sebastian clasped his hands together and raised them to his mouth. He pursed his lips and swallowed. “Because he needed to be wanted by someone?”

 

Margarete nodded, “That’s what I suspect. Kurt hasn’t actually told me that in so many words, but I’ve been able to gather as much. Now, if you’d known about this when things got started, would you have agreed?”

 

Sebastian stood up in his seat. “No way! That’s… that’s… that’s taking advantage! I never would! I never wanted to…!”

 

“And, now that you know, what will you do?”

 

Sebastian blinked. “I… I don’t know. I can’t leave him. Not now.”

 

“Why?” she asked.

 

“Because. Just because.”

 

“Because of what?” she pressed.

 

Sebastian turned to look Kurt in the eye. “Because I’ve fallen in love with you, Kurt.”

 

Kurt’s eyes widened and he frantically shook his head.

 

Sebastian sat down heavily on the chair. “I never wanted to, believe me Kurt. After seeing my mom… I swore to never fall in love, but you still wormed your way in. The way you light up when you smile. You bring more life into a room just by being there. Your innocent, charming ways drive me insane. The most endearing thing is that you don’t even realize how sexy you’re being half the time! You listened to me. You actually cared to ask me, rather than just believing the rumors circulating about me. You gave me a chance to see what it’s like when you’re making love. The first time we had sex – all I could think about was making your first time amazing: something to remember. You’re able to stand toe-to-toe with me when I’m being snarky and sarcastic and give back as good as you get. You’re the first one to be able to do that – to even try – and it’s such a turn-on for me. And… you’re beautiful. I honestly can’t understand why every guy who isn’t completely straight isn’t running after you.” He paused. “God, you’re turning me into a complete, mushy nutcase!”

 

“Sebastian,” Kurt called out hesitantly, “please, don’t love me. I… I don’t want to lose you… I don’t think… I don’t think I could bear that…”

 

Sebastian ruffled Kurt’s hair, earning an irritated squack in return, as Kurt tried to push his hands off to save his precious hairdo. “You idiot. You aren’t going to lose me. I’ll fight hell and high water to stay with you, at this point.”

 

“And during Winter Break?”

 

“I didn’t sleep with a single guy. I thought about it. I tried going to bars and clubs – everything I used to do – but it was so damn empty! I’m not saying that I know that I’ll always be faithful, but I’ll always be honest and I’ll try.”

 

Kurt shook his head. “I’m not ready.”

 

“Then I’ll wait. As long as it takes.”

 

“Can we still sleep together?”

 

“It does make you feel better, doesn’t it?”

 

“Yeah…”

 

“Then yes, we can.”

 

Margarete added, “If the two of you ever need couple counseling or anything, feel free to ask. Depression is pretty difficult to deal with – in a relationship of any kind. So, if either of you think you need a mediator to help you figure things out, just tell me. Meanwhile, Kurt, we’ll still be having our regular sessions.”

 

Kurt nodded.

 

“Now, how are you feeling?”

 

“My head hurts.”

 

“Not too surprising. You go back to sleep. I’ll make sure that Sebastian goes to his dorm to sleep. Okay?”

 

“What time is it?”

 

“Time to sleep.”

 

“Okay,” Kurt replied, his eyes drifting shut.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, I know that there wasn’t a Purplemoon party in Zurich in 2011 at this time of year. I’m claiming artistic license. :p As for the hotel, I’ve only seen it from the outside. I’ve never been inside it, so I’m basing all of my information on the pictures on their website.

### Chapter Twelve

 

It was several weeks later, in the midst of one of their study sessions, when Sebastian told Kurt out of the blue, “By the way, pack some clothes for the weekend. We’re heading out on Friday to Zurich.”

 

Kurt blinked. “What?”

 

“You heard me. I’ve already gotten permission from your grandparents and my mom.”

 

“How did you get their number?”

 

“Your cell phone, of course.”

 

“When did you…?” Kurt paused. “I don’t really want to know. What should I bring?”

 

“Something for going dancing in.”

 

Kurt looked at him warily. “What exactly are we going to do?”

 

“There’s a website called Purplemoon. It’s a sort of blog slash dating site for the LGBTI community here in Switzerland. I joined it way back when I’d just come here. Anyways, they have LGBTI parties that are sixteen and up.”

 

“But you’re fifteen.”

 

“That’s what fake IDs are good for.”

 

“We aren’t going to drink, though.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I had to promise your grandparents that already, even if you’d technically be of legal age here. You know, for beer and wine.”

 

“If we’re going into Zurich, I should probably text Maya for some suggestions on where to go.”

 

“Who’s Maya?”

 

“She’s a girl I met when I went to the Herbstmesse in Basel. According to her friend, she’s a lesbian but she still thinks she’s bi – unless she’s changed her mind by now, that is.”

 

“Okay, fine, but she’s not joining us.”

 

Kurt shook his head. “No, definitely not joining us. She’s scary.”

 

“Scary?”

 

“Well, kind of. She’s really hyper, chatty and eccentric. She’s American, though: from Minnesota.” Kurt pondered for a moment. “Say, what does your mom think you’re doing?”

 

“She thinks I’m going sight-seeing. I promised them no alcohol, no sleeping around, no partying.”

 

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Really?”

 

“My mom is easy to manipulate. That’s why I always go to her when I need something. I usually get it. My dad, on the other hand, wouldn’t have believed a word I said and would never have given me permission to leave.”

 

“Ah, okay.” There was an awkward pause before Kurt continued, “I don’t think I have the right clothes for going dancing.”

 

“That’s fine. We can go shopping in Zürich on Saturday to find some for you.”

 

“Only if I get to pick out your outfit, too.”

 

“You drive a hard bargain.”

 

Kurt looked at him coyly. “Is that so?”

 

“Bedroom?” Sebastian asked.

 

“Weekday,” Kurt responded.

 

Sebastian let his head drop. “You’re going to be the death of me one of these days.”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’m sure. Not getting any on a weekday has killed many a man – not.”

 

“At least I still have my right hand.”

 

“You’re crass.”

 

“I’ve rented a hotel room for us in Zürich. Just think: we can be as loud there as we want. I can finally make you fall apart without worrying about someone hearing us.”

 

Kurt swallowed as he felt stirrings in his groin. “Stop it.”

 

Sebastian lowered his voice to a whisper, so only Kurt could hear him. “There’s something I want to try on you. I want to see you fall apart with a good rimming.”

 

“Rimming?” Kurt asked.

 

“My tongue opening you up for me. It’s hot and wet. I bet you’ll love it. Of course, first, we’ll have to clean you – both inside and outside. I already bought the materials for it.”

 

Kurt’s breath hitched as he fought against the imagery that was filling his mind.

 

“Also, you know, I got myself tested and just got the results back. I’m clean. So, if you wanted, we could forsake the condom. I’ve heard that it’s much more intense that way, without the barrier. The clean-up is a little messier, though.”

 

Kurt closed his books, stuffed them into his bag and stood up. He looked at Sebastian and asked, “Well, are you coming?”

 

Sebastian smirked, quickly packing up and following Kurt to his room in the Grosshaus.

 

_ooo_

 

Kurt looked up from the instructions that Maya had sent him for finding one of the better Karaoke bars in Zurich, named Lauschuli. According to her, it opened at seven PM.

 

When Sebastian pulled him to a full stop, Kurt started and looked up. He asked, “We’re there already? But we just left the train station.”

 

Sebastian smirked. “That’s one of the reasons I chose this hotel. It’s located vis-à-vis the main train station. Can’t get more central than that. You can get in and out twenty-four-seven and, best of all, it has soundproofed rooms. I rented the room through Monday, so we wouldn’t have to check out before twelve on Sunday.”

 

Kurt just stared at the building. It was antique-looking, but still in good repair. Kurt figured it must be renovated regularly. The railings were black and had obviously been designed in a decorative style. Above the windows, the stone façade had triangles and half-ellipses jutting out. On one of the railings, which went around the corner of the building, were the words ‘Hotel Schweizerhof,’ three times. “It’s beautiful. It looks old.”

 

“That’s just the exterior. The interior is new.”

 

“That’s not the point!”

 

“We’re in the older part of the city, now. Some of the buildings are actually pretty old. Of course, if you want to see really old buildings, then you should go to Chur. I heard that that’s the oldest city in Switzerland and it’s closer to our school, too.”

 

Kurt swatted Sebastian. “You’re ruining the moment.”

 

“Anytime,” Sebastian quipped.

 

“Why do I put up with you again?”

 

“Because I’m good.” Sebastian smirked and wiggled his eyebrows suggestfully.

 

“You look like an idiot.”

 

“You look like one, too – standing there staring at our hotel instead of going into it. It’s late. We should check in.”

 

Kurt felt his cheeks warm. “Whatever. I can’t wait to see the room.”

 

“Don’t be too excited. It’s only four stars.”

 

Kurt admitted, “I’ve never actually stayed in a hotel before. I never even left Ohio before I went to German camp last summer.”

 

“The best ones are five stars. I decided to go with this one, though, because of its location.”

 

“How can you afford this?”

 

“My credit card has a fairly high limit and I haven’t had to use it for ages, so I’ve saved up a lot of allowance.”

 

“I don’t even want to know what your allowance is…”

 

“Much higher than yours, in any case.”

 

“Probably. I won’t have access to my inheritance until I turn eighteen, anyways, and it’s all I’ve got to get me through college, anyways.” Kurt cast his gaze to the sidewalk below him.

 

“Let’s go in.” Sebastian said, pulling Kurt inside, where they were greeted by the receptionist, who offered them a drink. They accepted it. Sebastian told her, “We have reservations under the name Smythe.”

 

She looked it up. “Ah, yes, for a Junior Suite ‘Relax’. Here are your cards for the room.” She gestured at a porter, who picked up their luggage and took the cards from the receptionist. “He’ll bring you to your room.”

 

_ooo_

 

Kurt entered the room, while Sebastian tipped the porter. To the left was the entrance area, a closet, a commode and a coat rack. On the commode, there was a capsule coffee machine with a spout for hot water. Next to it were a variety of teas and coffees to choose from, as well as several cups. Veering off to the right from the entrance area was a toilet with a sink. The sink was set into marble, which also covered the lower half of the walls, and the part of them above the marble was cream-colored.

 

The carpet was a deep, rich, royal purple, the walls were cream and there were brown curtains. As Sebastian closed the door and locked the deadbolt, Kurt took his boots off in the entrance area, putting them carefully on the water-repellant surface under the coat rack and hung his coat above them on one of the hangers provided. He took a moment to enjoy the soft carpet under his feet before he went to investigate the rest of the suite.

 

In the sitting room were a gray sofa and a purple armchair. Next to them was a glass table with fresh fruit and a bottle of sparkling water. Vis-à-vis the couch was a large, flat-screen TV with a coffee table underneath it. Turning around, he saw a large desk and could see into the next room with a large, king-sized bed that you could section off with sliding doors. In there, he found a safety deposit box. Opening it, he found an outlet for laptops, as well as a container to put jewelry and wallets into. He ran his hands over the bedspread, finding it to be as soft as the bedspreads he’d once indulged in when his father had been alive. There were night tables on either side of the bed.

 

Kurt noticed Sebastian watching him with a lopsided smile and he smiled back at him.

 

Sebastian commented, “You haven’t even gotten to the best part yet – sure, the king-sized bed instead of a double bed with two mattresses,” he scrunched his nose up in distaste, “was a main part of it, but there were other rooms with that.”

 

He guided Kurt into the second bathroom. The basic theme was the same as the other bathroom, but this one had two large sinks with a ledge over them with more than enough room for Kurt to place all his beauty products. Two bathrobes hung there with slippers underneath them. There was a large bathtub, which Kurt thought must be what Sebastian was excited about. Then he noticed that the shower had seats in it. He turned to Sebastian. “Why are there seats in the shower?”

 

Sebastian smirked. “I thought you’d recognize it. I’m so disappointed in you, Kurt.”

 

“Hey! I can’t know everything!”

 

“It’s a steam shower. Of course, it can be used as a normal shower too, but that’s not the point. It’s supposed to be really relaxing.”

 

“I’ve heard about them. I just… I’ve never seen one. The spa I used to go to didn’t have one. They had steam baths.”

 

“We still have some time before it’s time for supper. Wanna try it?”

 

Kurt’s eyes narrowed slightly. “What exactly are you planning?”

 

“Do I have to have something planned?”

 

“You usually do.”

 

Sebastian shrugged. “You’re too wired. You need to relax. So, if we combine the relaxing effect this steam shower is supposed to have with the relaxing qualities of the aftermath of a good blowjob, I figure it’ll get the job done.”

 

“And what’s in it for you?”

 

“Getting you off, getting myself off and relaxing in the shower. You know I like giving you blowjobs.”

 

“I may have noticed that over the frequent times you’ve given them to me. They’re nice.”

 

“Nice? You insult me. My blowjobs are nothing less than mind-blowing.”

 

“Hmm. I think I could be convinced to join you for that. We can unpack later.”

 

“I hoped you’d say that.” Sebastian smirked and kissed Kurt soundly, unbuttoning his shirt.

 

As they drew away for breath, Sebastian soon started nipping and biting along Kurt’s neck. Kurt gasped. “What can I say? You’re… ah! … You’re very convincing.”

 

Sebastian grinned. “I do my best.”

 

_ooo_

 

After a wonderful dinner at the restaurant in the hotel, Sebastian led Kurt to a gay bar he’d looked up online in the part of Zurich called Niederdorf. He showed them their fake IDs, having been able to somehow procure one for Kurt as well. How, Kurt didn’t know, seeing as they were in Switzerland and Kurt doubted Sebastian knew anyone in Switzerland. Still, he’d quickly decided that he didn’t really want to know, anyways.

 

Kurt asked, “Sebastian, are you sure it’s okay for us to be here?”

 

“Sure, why not? It’s not like we’re going to drink alcohol, anyways. I made a promise to your grandparents. I’m not going to break that. I’ll take care of you.”

 

An older man with medium-length, frizzy, gray hair and a beard came over to them. He said, “Hello. Please to meet you. I’m Johannes. Where are you from?”

 

Sebastian answered, “We’re not interested.”

 

The man blinked. “No, no, I’m not interested in that. I’m married to my partner of many years. We were so happy when the law for civil union was accepted here. It was a big milestone. We’re still fighting for adoption rights, though.”

 

Kurt asked, “You were campaigning?”

 

“I’ve been fighting for equalization for a long time now. Times have improved, but they’re still not perfect, you know. In the past two years, thirty-one LGBT activists have been killed in Honduras. Amnesty International has an urgent action going on at the moment for Alexander David Sánchez Álvarez to have the death-threats investigated and to protect him. He’s been assaulted and threatened several times already.”

 

Sebastian ignored the conversation and ordered a Diet Coke for Kurt and a lemon iced tea for himself and paid the barkeeper. He started playing with his cell phone.

 

Kurt replied, “That’s terrible, but there isn’t really much we can do, is there?”

 

“You can write a letter to the Minister for Justice and Human Rights. On our Queeramnesty website, we have a detailed article on it and an example letter.”

 

Kurt asked, “Queeramnesty? I’ve never heard of them.”

 

“It’s a sub-group of Amnesty International that specifically focuses on the human rights of LGBTI people. Unfortunately, many people in Amnesty International are blind towards that area, so we created our subgroup for them.”

 

“Does writing letters actually do anything? I mean, how can you force someone to change just by writing letters to them?”

 

“The things that make a difference are the number of letters sent or the number of signatures gathered. This creates international pressure. Countries have to get along with each other more now than they used to. War is frowned on. To avoid further difficulties, the countries will sometimes bend in order to get some of the pressure off of them. We make them bend and give a little to help the people in our urgent actions.”

 

“Why aren’t you better known? If my father had known about you, I’m sure he would have donated.”

 

“That is the problem. That is why we are regularly there at the different prides. When we’re invited, we also go to ones in other countries. The Zurich Pride Week this year will start on June tenth. The demonstration is on that Saturday, the eighteenth. You are welcome to walk with us.”

 

Kurt looked towards Sebastian, who just continued playing with his phone. “I don’t know. Our school lets out the middle of that week and I’ll probably be flying back to the States, then. I’d love to go, though. I’ve never been to a Pride before… I just don’t know if it’s feasible…”

 

Sebastian looked up from his cell phone. “We’re coming, then. I’ll convince our families. Besides, I was going to ask you to stay with me in France for some of the holidays, anyways. Maybe even all of them, if your grandparents don’t put up a fuss.”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “I doubt they will.”

  

Johannes asked, “Why are you staying with your grandparents, if your father would support Queeramnesty?”

 

Kurt studied his drink, playing with the straw before taking a long sip. He scrunched his nose up slightly as he noticed that it was rapidly approaching room temperature. He signaled for the barkeeper and asked, “Könnte ich bitte mehr Eis haben?” (Could I please have more ice?)

 

Johannes asked, “You weren’t thrown out, were you?”

 

Kurt whirled around to look at him. “Never! My dad… he would never… he couldn’t… he loved me. He…” Tears welled up in Kurt’s eyes. “When I came out to him, he told me that he’d known since I was three. But he never treated me differently.”

 

“Then what happened?”

 

“He died. A year ago. Worst day of my life. It’s run a close second by the day my mom died, though.”

 

“I’m sorry to hear that. I am sure the world lost a wonderful person that day. However, if there’s one thing I’ve learned from my work in Queeramnesty, it’s that we have to honor the cause the person died fighting for. If their death can mean an end to the killing, then they can rest in peace. Even if it doesn’t, you can’t stop fighting or else it becomes meaningless.”

 

Sebastian looked over at him in interest.

 

Kurt frowned. “I don’t understand what this has to do with my dad’s death.”

 

“What did your father fight for?”

 

“He didn’t fight for anything. He was a simple mechanic.”

 

“Did he never stand up for something?”

 

“Well, he stood up for me in Glee Club, that’s the term for our type of show-choir group, against our teacher and principle. I wanted to sing Defying Gravity, but our teacher didn’t want me to, because it was a girl song. He noticed that it meant a lot to me, so he stood up to them and told them off until our teacher agreed to let me audition for it. The hate mail and phone calls we got really bothered him, too, but we lived in a small town in Ohio. There wasn’t much we could do.”

 

“Your father fought for you. He fought for your happiness.”

 

“I guess you could say that…”

 

“Are you happy now?”

 

Kurt did a double-take. “What?”

 

Johannes gently repeated, “Are you happy now?”

 

“No… I miss him…”

 

“Then you aren’t continuing his fight. When you are happy, when you let go and let yourself be happy, then you are living out his cause for him. As long as you are not happy, he can’t rest in peace. He wants to see you happy, grow old, get married or have a civil union – he wants to see you live your life.”

 

Kurt’s eyes grew wider as Johannes kept speaking. “I… I never thought of it that way. Does that mean… have I disappointed my father, then?” His lip trembled.

 

“No. I’m sure he understands, but he still wants you to live. I’m sure – there’s nothing he wants more. And it hurts him to see you sad.”

 

Kurt took a deep breath. “How?”

 

“There are several stages of grief. Eventually, you will reach acceptance and letting go. You need to work towards it, though, instead of letting yourself wallow in your grief. I have lost many good friends in my life: some to AIDS, some to homophobes, some to other causes. It’s always difficult letting go. No one else can do it for you, but you still have to get through it. Just remember to live for him, despite everything that has been thrown at you – and, if you still have energy, you can pass on your message to others. Things can improve, but they won’t, if you refuse to fight for them.”

 

Kurt nodded. “Thank you.”

 

He patted Kurt gently on the shoulder. “No need for thanks. The world needs more people who care, unlike your friend here.”

 

Kurt gave a half smile. “He’s my boyfriend.”

 

Sebastian looked at Kurt, his eyes wide.

 

The man winked. “I thought he might be. Now, it’s getting late. I should be heading home to my husband. I’ll see you at the Zurich Pride then.”

 

Kurt smiled and stood up. “We’ll be there.” Kurt shook Johannes’ hand. “It was nice meeting you. I’m Kurt and my boyfriend’s Sebastian.”

 

“It was nice meeting both of you, as well.”

 

The moment Johannes had left, Sebastian twirled Kurt around and into his arms to passionately kiss him. After a few minutes, he pulled back. He panted, “Your boyfriend? Not just make-believe? Your real boyfriend?”

 

Kurt nodded. “What he said… no one else made that much sense before and it sounded like he was speaking from experience. It just… it clicked, for lack of a better word. I… I stopped living. I’ve just been existing for the past year. I… I’m not honoring him by doing this and I want this. I really do, but I was just so scared – but I can’t let that stop me.”

 

Sebastian smirked, “This calls for a celebration.”

 

Kurt nodded. He whispered into Sebastian’s ear, “Take me to our hotel room, Bas. Make love to me.”

 

“My pleasure.” Sebastian smirked and gladly complied.

 

_ooo_

 

The next day, they went shopping, as planned, and poked around the city. They went to the Landesmuseum near the train station, where Kurt fell in love with the exhibit about traditional Swiss fashion. They went to the Art Museum, where Sebastian showed himself to be quite knowledgeable in Art History.

 

They ate lunch at a restaurant overlooking the Limmat River, overhearing several people talking business over supper at a little restaurant that was gay-friendly, had good sushi and the most amazing home-made iced tea with lemongrass and ginger.

 

It was talking to some of the people there that they overheard people talking about the new mayor of Zurich who was, apparently, an out lesbian. Kurt was amazed that, not only had a woman managed to get voted in as the mayor, but she was a lesbian, at that. He got to talking with the couple and found out that there were actually quite a few females voted into power in Switzerland. At times, there was almost a majority of women.

 

_ooo_

 

Around seven, they headed to Lauschui. They were the first people there, but were warned that there would be a large group coming at nine that would take up the whole bar. Still, that left them plenty of time to have fun. They’d have to leave a little earlier than they’d planned, but they still got two solid hours.

 

While Kurt paged through the binder with all the songs, several pieces of paper and a pen next to him, Sebastian went over to the owner, a Chinese woman, and handed her a DVD. He turned to Kurt and said, “I hope you appreciate this. This really isn’t my style, but I know it’ll mean something to you, so I’ll suffer through it. I also hope you know the second song, since it’s a duet. You know Miss Saigon, don’t you?”

 

Kurt nodded. “Of course I do!”

 

“Good, then we should be home free.”

 

“How did you know that Maya was going to text me the address of a Karaoke bar?”

 

“Because I texted her with your phone to ask her for one.”

 

“When did you…?”

 

“When you were sleeping.”

 

The screen on a small TV that hung from the ceiling flickered to life and soon after, the intro for ‘If Ever I Would Leave You’ from the musical ‘Camelot’ played.

 

Sebastian looked Kurt in the eye and sang,

 

_“If ever I would leave you,_

_It wouldn’t be in summer._

_Seeing you in summer, I never would go._

_Your hair streaked with sun-light,_

_Your lips red as flame,_

_Your face with a luster_

_That puts gold to shame!_

_“But, if I’d ever leave you,_

_It couldn’t be in autumn._

_How I’d leave in autumn, I never will know._

_I’ve seen how you sparkle_

_When fall nips the air._

_I know you in autumn_

_And I must be there._

_“And could I leave you_

_Running merrily through the snow?_

_Or on a wintry evening_

_When you catch the fire’s glow?_

_“If ever I would leave you,_

_How could it be in spring-time?_

_Knowing how, in spring, I’m bewitched by you so?_

_Oh, no! Not in spring-time!_

_Summer, winter or fall!_

_No, never could I leave you at all!”_

 

Kurt smiled broadly, but held himself back from kissing Sebastian. He noticed that the owner didn’t seem quite that fond of the affection. She had seemed a little brash and impolite from the get-go though, so it could just be that, too.

 

The next song came on and Kurt grabbed the second microphone, seeing the title ‘The Last Night of the World – from Miss Saigon’ displayed.

 

Sebastian sang, _“In a place that won’t let us feel,_

_In a life where nothing seems real,_

_I have found you;_

_I have found you.”_

Kurt sang, _“In a world that’s moving too fast,_

_In a world where nothing can last,_

_I will hold you;_

_I will hold you.”_

_“Our lives will change when tomorrow comes.”_

_“Tonight out hearts drown the distant drums.”_

_“And we’ll have music all right,_

_Tearing the night,”_

They sang together, _“A song_

_Played on a solo saxophone:_

_A crazy sound,_

_A lonely sound,_

_A cry that tells us love goes on and on,_

_Played on a solo saxophone;_

_It’s telling me to hold you tight_

_And dance like it’s the last night of the world.”_

Sebastian continued alone, _“On the other side of the earth,_

_There’s a place where life still has worth:_

_I will take you.”_

Kurt answered, _“I’ll go with you.”_

_“You won’t believe all the things you’ll see:_

_I know, cause you’ll see them all in me.”_

They sang together, _“If we’re together, that’s when_

_We’ll hear it again –_

_A song_

_Played on a solo saxophone:_

_A crazy sound,_

_A lonely sound,_

_A cry that tells us love goes on and on,_

_Played on a solo saxophone;_

_It’s telling me to hold you tight_

_And dance like it’s the last night of the world.”_

Kurt continued on alone, _“Dreams were all I ever knew.”_

Sebastian answered, _“Dreams you won’t need when I’m through.”_

They finished together, _“Anywhere_

_We may be,_

_I will sing with you: a song_

_Played on a solo saxophone;_

_So stay with me and hold me tight_

_And dance like it’s the last night of the world.”_

 

Kurt commented, “We sound good together.”

 

Sebastian smirked. “Of course we do.”

 

“Always so full of yourself.”

 

“Well, one of us has to be.”

 

Kurt laughed. “Oh, Bas. You serenade me with the perfect song, you pick the perfect song to sing as a duet with me and yet you completely fail at figuring out where to cut the snark and just be romantic.”

 

“If you wanted romance, you should have picked someone else.”

 

“Sebastian, picking those songs, the hotel – the whole day even – was incredibly romantic, so don’t tell me you don’t know how to be romantic!” Kurt chided.

 

It was difficult to tell in the poor lighting, but Kurt thought he saw a tinge of pink on Sebastian’s cheeks as he responded, “Whatever. Let’s see what this karaoke bar has to offer in music.”

 

They set to writing down songs and giving them to the owner. Soon, they were joined by some other people, who received the same warning that they had. Some of them left, but most decided to stay as long as they could.

 

Kurt and Sebastian would suffer together whenever someone would sing terribly off key and Kurt would politely applaud them, while Sebastian refused to, because they didn’t deserve it. Kurt would then softly chide him and remind him of the rules of Karaoke, which he’d then refuse to comply with.

 

The time quickly slipped by and the party that had reserved the place arrived, forcing everyone else to leave.

 

_ooo_

 

At the entrance to the party, Kurt showed his real ID, while Sebastian showed his fake one. Kurt received a black band that said Purplemoon on it in purple letters, while Sebastian received a white one. Sebastian picked up two red lightsticks, bent them and attached one to Kurt’s wrist.

 

Kurt lifted his wrist to look asked, “What are these for?”

 

“It’s so that people know that you’re taken. Now, could you help me with mine?”

 

Kurt quickly helped him fasten it around his wrist. Sebastian dragged Kurt over to the counter where they were handing out the nametags, where Sebastian picked his and Kurt’s up.

 

Once they had left the table Kurt asked, “Since when do I have a Purplemoon profile and when exactly did I sign up for this party?”

 

Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “Since I created one for you, of course, and I told you, I signed both of us up.”

 

Kurt giggled. “You’re truly one of a kind, Sebastian. Can you at least give me the information for it, so that I can edit it?”

 

“Sure. Once we’re back in school.”

 

“Sebastian…” Kurt warned.

 

“Once we’re back in school, I promise.”

 

“Oh, fine, but I’ll get revenge for this.”

 

“Oooh! Kinky!”

 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “I just can’t win with you, can I?”

 

“Nope,” Sebastian quipped merrily.

 

They went inside and deposited their coats in the checkroom, paying the small fee of two Swiss Francs each, and entered the dance room.

 

It was fairly dark, with most of the lighting focused on the stage at the end of the room, where the DJ was situated and several people were dancing. Right next to the door was the bar, which people were crowded around and, on the far side of the room, on the wall that led from the bar to the stage, was a raised dias with several couches.

 

Kurt saw other guys dancing with guys, some with girls, girls dancing with girls and several groups of people who were dancing together, as well. Despite the loud music droning in his ear and the fact that he could feel the beat of the music reverberating throughout his entire body, he felt comfortable. He felt completely accepted there. He felt normal. Kurt smiled and pulled Sebastian into the crowd of people to dance.

 

At first, Kurt was a little uptight and unsure what to do and then Beyoncé’s ‘All the Single Ladies’ came on and Kurt fell into the choreography he’d taught himself, though it was a little strange without Brittany and Tina, or the entire football team for that matter, dancing with him. When the song finished, he felt a lot looser and it was easier to just dance to the rhythm and music, enjoying the familiar, warm body to dance and occasionally grind with.

 

_ooo_

 

Eventually, Kurt needed to get some fresh air, so he went outside, requesting for Sebastian to join him with something to drink. He found himself drawn into a conversation with some other guys, who were out there smoking, about musicals.

 

One thing led to another and suddenly he found himself singing ‘Defying Gravity’ to a captive audience. Another, slightly more buff guy, who wasn’t completely steady on his feet, told him, “Du hast eine wunderschöne Stimme.” (You have a beautiful voice.)

 

One of the others told him, “Ignore him. He’s tripping. Do you have a Youtube channel?”

 

Kurt blinked. “Uh, no, not really. Why?”

 

“You should. You’re really good. You might get discovered.”

 

One of the others muttered something in German that Kurt couldn’t quite pick out and the guy translated what they’d just said into German.

 

Another of them held out his phone. “Can we record you singing?”

 

Kurt raised an eyebrow. “Um, sure? I guess?”

 

“Sing again. Something different this time!”

 

Kurt obliged them, singing ‘Let It Be’ by the Beatles, then ‘Le Jazz Hot’ from ‘Victor/Victoria.’

 

The guys were crowded around him and Kurt felt slightly unnerved. Then the guy who was tripping tried to grab him, but a familiar shape got in between. Sebastian said, “That’s my boyfriend. Hands off.”

 

The guy asked, “Threesome?”

 

Sebastian’s voice grew colder. “What part of ‘hands off’ didn’t you understand?”

 

The guy shrugged. “Had to try. He’s hot. You’re lucky.”

 

Sebastian replied, “I am, but he’s also very high-maintenance and doesn’t sleep around, so try your luck elsewhere with someone else who’s as high as a kite as you are.”

 

Sebastian turned around and handed Kurt one of the orange juices in his hand. “Sorry, it took a bit. Seems like a lot of people are thirsty right now.”

 

Kurt smiled at him and gave him a little peck on the lips. “Thanks.”

 

“Don’t I get a bigger thanks than that?”

 

“I’ll leave that for later, when we’re in private and I’m not so thirsty.” Kurt took a sip of his orange juice and sighed in relief.

 

“You know, Kurt, I did tell you that you’d have guys all over you, if you came to one of these places. Trust me. That little red band around your wrist is the only reason you haven’t been propositioned more. On my way here, I saw a Latino guy heading off into the bathrooms with a blond guy with blue eyes.”

 

Kurt faced Sebastian and rested his forehead on Sebastian’s shoulder. He sighed. “You know, everyone here is so accepting. It’s such a wonderful feeling. Why can’t we have that feeling elsewhere? Why can’t we have that all over the world? Why do people still threaten, harm or even kill us for loving each other?”

 

Sebastian sighed. “I don’t know, Kurt. I really don’t know – but yeah, I know what you mean. It’s nice to feel completely accepted. It’s nice to feel like everyone accepts who you love as who you love without trying to change you, to make you conform to what they want. That feeling of belonging – it’s one of the reasons I always loved going out to gay bars, clubs and parties. Well, that and getting laid. I’ve only been to a Pride demonstration and celebration once before and you get that same feeling – only stronger, because, everyone is marching together for the same cause: to make things better.”

 

Kurt smiled. “Let’s go and dance some more and then head back to our hotel.”

 

Sebastian smiled. “Sure. We can do that.”

 

_ooo_

 

As they lay in bed together, naked and about to drift off to sleep, Kurt said, “You know, Bas, I think I love you.”

 

Sebastian snorted. “You think you do?”

 

Kurt nodded.

 

“I know I love you.”

 

Kurt smiled. “I love you, too.”

 

Sebastian stated, “I want to go for another round now, but I’m too tired.”

 

“In the morning.”

 

“Yeah, in the morning.”

 

They drifted off to sleep with Sebastian spooning Kurt in the large, king-sized bed.


	14. Chapter 14

### Epilogue

 

 

When Kurt entered Sebastian’s room, he didn’t expect him to have a visitor. He almost left until he heard Sebastian state, “I am not returning to the States for my next school year!”

 

The other man in the room said, “But, Bastian, you’ve been good this year. You’ve earned the right to come back to Ohio.”

 

Sebastian snarled, “As if that’s what I was aiming for! No, I’m staying right here!”

 

“You’re still underage, Bastian. You’ll do what I tell you to do!”

 

“I swear, if you force me to come there, I will act out again!”

 

“I can watch you better when you’re close by!”

 

“As if you ever cared about that, anyways! All you care about is the family name. The stupid family name! I bet people have been asking you where your eldest is. That’s why you want me to come back. You don’t want to admit that I’m in Europe and that you basically let my mom take care of me. The only thing you did was send money her way for me! You never acted like a father before, so why should you now, huh?”

 

“Don’t take that tone with me, young man!”

 

Sebastian threatened, “Well, if you care about the Smythe name, then leave me here. If you force me to come back, I will drag it through the mud.”

 

“For goodness sakes! Why are you so set on staying here, Bastian?”

 

“Because I have a boyfriend here!”

 

“Look, I’ve tolerated your delusions that…”

 

Sebastian interrupted him, “When will you finally accept that I’m gay? There’s no delusions there, Father! I don’t like breasts or pussies. I like flat-chested guys with dicks!”

 

“Don’t curse, young man! I can still wash your mouth out with soap, the way my grandmother did to me!”

 

“Go ahead and try. I’ll bite your fingers off.”

 

Sebastian’s father sighed and paused. “Bastian, this isn’t going to change anything. I want you back in Ohio.”

 

“And I told you! I’m not leaving Kurt!” Kurt heard him stomp his foot. “If it weren’t for him, we wouldn’t even be having this discussion, because I’d still be the person you sent here last year!”

 

“That doesn’t have anything to do with this! I was planning on bringing you back this year, anyway! You still have to be taught how to be a Smythe!”

 

“You don’t understand! He needs me! I’m all that he’s got! I love him! I can’t leave him! He wouldn’t be able to handle it!”

 

“Fine! In that case, I’ll give you a chance. Introduce me to this Kurt, who’s apparently caused some type of dementia in you! If you can convince me that you really love him and that he’s really that dependent on you, then, fine, I’ll let you stay. Just know that I’ll have him on the cross-examination bench.”

 

“Fine! I’ll show you!”

 

Kurt decided to enter at that moment. To his surprise, when he looked at the man, he realized that he recognized him. Not only was he the State Attorney for Ohio, he was one of his father’s regular customers.

 

Kurt swallowed past the lump in his throat and held his hand out. “Hello, Mr. Smythe. I don’t think we’ve been officially introduced. I’m Kurt Hummel.”

 

Sebastian’s father looked at him incredulously. “I know you. I’ve seen you before. At the garage. Aren’t you Burt Hummel’s son?”

 

Kurt nodded. “The garage belongs to me. One of my dad’s best workers is running it until I’m ready to either sell it or run it.”

 

“Real shame what happened to him. It must have been awful to lose him like that. There one moment, gone the next.”

 

Kurt nodded. “Yeah. My mom died when I was eight, but we at least had time to prepare for that blow.”

 

Mr. Smythe turned to his son. “Okay, fine. You can stay, as a last favor to Burt Hummel. He was a good man – best mechanic I’ve ever seen – but, the moment you guys break up, I’m bringing you back to the States, Sebastian, do you hear?”

 

Sebastian just nodded stiffly.

 

“Now, I have some other things to deal with while I’m here. I’ll see you for the second part of the summer holidays, as usual. Goodbye Bastian.”

 

Sebastian glared at him. “Goodbye Father.”

 

_ooo_

 

The moment Mr. Smythe had left the room, Sebastian grumbled, “The nerve of that man! As if it’s a given that we’ll break up!”

 

Kurt felt his knees give out beneath him and he crashed to the ground. Within moments, he was a sobbing mess.

 

Sebastian quickly sunk to the floor, as well, and pulled Kurt into a hug. “Shh, shh, Kurt. Don’t worry, I would have found a way to stay here. I promised you that I’m not leaving you. Shh…” He rocked him gently.

 

Kurt whimpered. “I was…” he sniffed, “I was so afraid. I… I can’t… I can’t lose you. You’re… you’re all I have. Please. Please! Don’t ever leave me!”

 

“Shh, shh… It’s okay, Kurt; it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here. I love you.”

 

“Hold me. Just hold me. Please. Never let me go.”

 

“I won’t. I promise. I’m here. I’m right here.” Sebastian started humming a soothing, wordless tune that Kurt didn’t recognize. It was soothing, though.

 

Kurt heard footsteps receding. Vaguely, he realized that Sebastian’s father must have been listening to them, as a final test. As he clung to Sebastian, he sighed in relief in the knowledge that they must have passed it. They were home free, now. As Kurt leaned up for a slightly desperate kiss, he felt his anxiety start to recede. Between the warmth of Sebastian’s arms and the soft humming in his ear, he slowly drifted off to sleep.


End file.
